Page 73 of Knox
"Are you?"
"Of course I am."
Knox had his doubts about that. The way he saw Adrian, the man desperately wanted to be loved, but at the same time, he was terrified of being vulnerable. ‘Realism’ was just the shield he hid behind.
But why did he feel the need to hide so keenly?
"Tell me who hurt you."
Adrian’s eyes widened. Obviously, he hadn’t expected that request.
Knox needed to know, though. All the ways in which Adrian had been hurt. As long as he didn’t, he could not help him heal.
"It’s not like…" Adrian trailed off before he could finish that sentence and deny that he had been hurt by anyone. He exhaled audibly. "You wouldn’t understand."
Whatever had happened to Adrian, it cut so deep he was afraid of showing even the wound itself. Clearly, he was afraid that Knox might judge, that he would think Adrian was stupid for letting himself be hurt in the first place.
Knox would never think that, but he was starting to see that Adrian did.
He was judging himself all the time—and much more harshly than he’d judged even Knox’s worst crimes.
"Whatever happened," Knox said. "I’m sure it wasn’t your fault."
Immediately, he knew he’d hit the nail on the head—and that he’d hit a very sore spot while doing so. Adrian’s eyes narrowed and his usually well-managed temper flared. "You don’t know that!"
Knox took a step closer, close enough to touch, almost. He longed to touch Adrian and soothe him, but Adrian was like an angry kitten. If Knox touched him now, the claws would come out, and that would not help either of them. So Knox practiced restraint, for now. At least when it came to touching. Hewouldget Adrian to talk to him. "Tell me," he insisted. "How am I wrong?"
Adrian’s eyes flashed hotly. There was pain there, raw and unhealed. "You think it’s not my fault? Everyone says that, but they don’t know the whole story."
"Then tell me the whole story."
Adrian had been carrying this anger inside himself, at himself, for too long. Knox refused to let him carry it any longer.
Adrian’s jaw tightened, his eyes darting away as if searching for an escape. "My ex… Chris… he cheated on me," he admitted, the words laced with bitterness and self-recrimination. "Everyone I tell that story to is quick to call him an asshole, but they lack context."
Knox fought the urge to call Chris exactly that. He knew it wouldn’t help right now. This wasn’t about Chris, not truly. "What’s the context?"
Adrian’s shoulders slumped, and he ran a hand through his hair, disheveling it. "Chris loved me," he said, the words almost a whisper. "But I was always disappointing him."
Knox wanted to go find Chris and punch him straight in the face—but that could wait. He suppressed his own emotions to focus on Adrian’s. "In what ways did you disappoint him?"
Adrian’s laugh was hollow, devoid of humor. "You’ve seen me naked. You know."
Knox’s resolve shattered the moment Adrian spoke those words. Closing the last bit of distance between them, Knox drew Adrian toward him. "Your appearance is not disappointing," he said firmly.
Adrian looked down at the floor beneath them. For a moment, he didn’t speak. Then he said, "For most people it is. I’m sosmall, I couldn’t… I can’t satisfy my partners when I’m on top. I couldn’t satisfy Chris." His voice sounded strained, as if he was fighting hard to keep his composure through the conversation.
What he said was painful to hear, but Knox knew he needed to get this out, all of it. He placed a hand on Adrian’s back, trying to anchor him. "Chris was a fool."
Adrian shook his head. "It’s not his fault that I’m like this. Or that I don’t enjoy being on the bottom. How fucked is that? I can’t top, and I don’t like bottoming. What do you do with a partner like that?" Adrian looked up at Knox, challenging him to respond.
Knox didn’t struggle to come up with one. He held Adrian’s gaze while he spoke. "You love and cherish them and find different ways to enjoy each other. You work together to solve the problem. You don’t wander off and hurt them. That’s not love."
Adrian looked away, clearly struggling with the flood of emotions Knox’s words had stirred. "If I had been able to please him…"
"No."
"But—"
