Page 9 of A World Without You
I jump, pulling the sheet to my naked chest.
“Hello?” It comes out like a question.
“Hi,” he says, leaning in with his perfectly delectable smile. The one I remember. Colin was always a charmer. Not that he tried—I always teased him that it was in his genes. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, resting the mug on my hip. “You feel okay? I didn’t think you drank that much, but I know how client dinners can wear you out.”
My brow furrows, and my head spins becausewhat the hell happened last night?
“Client dinner?” I ask weakly.
“With the Wellingtons...” His voice is laced with concern as he fills in the blanks for me. “Which thank you, by the way, for absolutely killing it with Barry. I knew you would, but man, he loved you. I’ve already received an email about how he wants me to work with his stores down in Los Angeles County and said he’d put in a good word over at Jensen and Jones in Philly.” Colin chuckles and then sips the coffee.Mycoffee,presumably.
I nod, numb, interlacing my fingers with his as he holds out the mug to me. “Right. Happy to help.” I fake my response because I must be in the midst of a dream. I take a sip. The perfect amount of cream. A slight sweet aftertaste. But the coffee itself makes my toes curl. “Oh my God, this is so good!”
Colin’s sharp face cuts into a perfect smile. “You say that every morning.”
He stands leaning over me in an attempt to kiss my lips but I turn and he catches my cheek. They’re soft, full, and feel exactly how I remember them—an entire lifetime of a memory washes over me and settles deep in my belly. I pull back, startled, and chug at least half of the coffee, then almost choke on the last swallow.
“Oh my God! The lodge! I have to get to work before Charles kills me!” I dart up from my reclined position on the bed and the room immediately turns in brilliant circles. I lower myself back down—some hangover this is.
Colin laughs. “What lodge?”
I offer a timid smile. “Colin, this was probably great even though I have no recollection of it. But I need to go to work...well, quit my job actually because I’m moving back home, and—” I grab my phone and try to pull up Graham’s number, searching under recent calls. He called me last night. I’m certain of it—it was why I hit the reindeer. But now, I can’t find it on the long list of calls. Most of which say Colin with two heart emojis next to it.
I drop the phone like it caught on fire.
“Seriously, what lodge?” Colin repeats.
“Well, yeah. I, uh, work at a lodge now. The newspaper fell apart a little after I moved there, so Charles Swanson offered me a job at his lodge until I have a baby, and well, one year there, turned into three, and here I am now, back in Seattle, staring at my ex-boyfriend and having no recollection of how I got into his bed.”
He’s stunned, taking in each word. The left side of his mouth twitches and I try not to let my gaze linger on his lips. I can’t believe I did this. Yes, I’ve missed Colin. Yes, he’s consumed my what-ifs for the better part of the last five years, but signing divorce papers and driving here for a good lay feels cheap. And what we had was never cheap. It was good. It was comfortable. It was everything until I had an urge to label it as complacent and convenient.
But looking at him now leaves no question as to why I did come here. Colin has always been gorgeous. Muscular without looking like a meathead. Sharp jaw with dark stubble. Hair so brown, it’s almost black. And eyes that always reflect the color of the sky. In the summertime they’re blue but on an overcast morning like today, they’re gray.
I swallow my attraction to the man I dumped on Christmas Eve five years ago.
“Don’t look at me like that, Colin, I mean it. I don’t know how I wound up here and I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get home but I need—” I search the floor frantically for my—oh my god, I was wearing satin pajamas.I’m officially a lunatic. Sure, I’ve thought about Colin. I’ve wondered about our life. But, the more I linger in an apartment I haven’t ever been in, and the more I grapple with this rendezvous, the more ashamed I become. I grab the top off the floor and quickly put it on. “This can’t be happening. I can’t believe—”
Colin silences me with a finger to my lips. “Sounds like you had the wildest dream.”
I deflate a little, eyes wide. “Colin, I’m not kidding,” I murmur against his finger.
He bites back a laugh. “Well, you aren’t serious either.” When he meets my confused and concerned stare, he adds, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
I swallow, fingertips trembling as I pick up my phone and hold it in my sweaty palms. “I can’t find Graham’s number.”
“Who the fuck is Graham?” he draws back and my heart falls into my stomach. “Olivia, what are you not telling me?”
My brain spins in a million circles as I try to remember last night. I got into a fight with Graham last night because he wouldn’t sign the papers. I went for a drive. I almost hit Rudolf. Then his antlers fell off so he definitely wasn’t Rudolf. I got back in my car and then...
That’s it. I’m dreaming. I’m just dreaming.
This is the most vivid dream I have ever had. The lingering scent of incense from last night wafts through the air. The back of my neck breaks out in a sweat and I can feel my auburn baby hairs stick to my neck. The entire room is put together and cohesive—no blank spaces or warped furniture. I can taste the rich coffee on my tongue, and I’m certain if I reach out and touch Colin, he wouldn’t morph into anyone else or make me walk through a door that leads somewhere else.
As real and tangible as it all feels, it’s not real. Colin hasn’t spoken to me in five years. He dropped me like a bad habit as soon as I broke up with him. There were zero attempts at reconciliation. Zero groveling—not that I deserved it. He blocked my number, my socials, and mailed me my things.
Now, I stare at Colin, wondering what it’d be like to love him again.
“I don’t know what I’m talking about,” I whisper, faking it as best as I can. “I feel crazy.”
