Page 76 of A World Without You
“Olivia!” Graham says, just twenty feet from me. He whispers something to the beauty queen on his arm, then starts walking toward us.
“Hey, there!” Colin says, and he’s doing this weird polite country folk thing that is so not his personality. Then he whispers to me, “What’s his name again?”
“Graham,” I croak, wrapping my hand tighter around Colin’s bicep.
With each step Graham takes toward us, the more my mouth dries and my palms sweat. My heart beats like a drum as his boots hit the floor. Graham and I hate each other now. We tried and failed to love each other. I changed my life for him, and it’s now left to rot. But here, in this world, he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know how horrifically incompatible we are, nor would he care. In this world, I’m not even someone he used to know. In this world, I’m just someone he met once.
“Olivia!” he beams in his church voice. That’s not how he really says my name. In real life, there’s a thread of annoyance and inconvenience woven into each letter.
“Graham,” I manage with a smile and a polite nod, but he wraps his arms around me.
“How you been?” he asks, pulling back. I use all my energy to not swallow my tongue.
“Really good,” I say.
Divorced from the life ruiner you are.
He pauses for an awkward two seconds and then introduces the woman next to him. “This is McKinley.”
I know that name right away. She was the one I “didn’t need to worry about” back when we were married. She worked as a server at the Pickle Back Bar—Graham’s favorite—but he said it was ridiculous for me to even insinuate he had a crush because she’s so young, and he would never entertain the idea of her even if he weren’t married. She’s twenty-three and Graham is thirty-five. It looks like he has different standards in this world.
“Nice to meet you,” I say, taking her warm, dainty hand.
“You too! I love that coat. Is it Chanel?” she beams, touching the lapel. I have to force myself not to rear back.
“Yes,” I say through a tight smile.
“Olivia and I were just briefly reminiscing about the wild Christmas she had in Roslyn a few years back,” Colin throws in, and I wish he didn’t.
Graham grins through his well-trimmed beard, revealing his most handsome smile. “That was...interesting, wasn’t it?” He hesitates for that last adjective, and the way his hazel eyes meet mine tells me there’s more memory there or more he could say. Instead, he swallows and makes eye contact with Colin.
I press my lips together and nod. “Listen, we’re just arriving and need to get settled in our room, but it was great to see you,” I say, choking over my words but doing my best to remain calm and mind my manners, albeit terribly.
“Hey, but we’re headed up to the slopes tonight...or better yet, you two could join us for dinner at the lodge,” Colin suggests. I have a vision of strangling him. I don’t want to eat with Graham. I don’t even know how to reconcile seeing him in this world. He isn’t supposed to be here. In this life, Graham doesn’t exist. In this life, I never kissed him or loved him or took his last name.
Graham seems to read me, and I hate that I know all his tells. The way his hazel eyes sweep over my face and the way his tongue runs along his bottom lip in contemplation. The small, assured nod as he says, “We just ate, but maybe we’ll catch you on the slopes.”
I breathe out and refrain from saying thank you. A stupid and ridiculous part of my brain feels like he knows. Like, maybe Graham is living these two lives too, and in this one, he gets the blonde bombshell and not the fiery auburn-haired Seattleite.
We say a quick, polite goodbye and slip into an elevator to go to our room. I’m a little numb and more out of sorts than usual as we get situated, unpacking our suitcases, hanging our clothes, and freshening up for dinner.
I barely eat at dinner, picking at my mashed potatoes like my mind is picking through all my emotions. I even start sorting out the parsley in the mashed potatoes like each crossroad of memories in my mind. I wonder if this is all a joke. That perhaps I’m not living two lives, and no one knows, but I’m living in a world where everyone is living both lives, and we’re all trying to reconcile what it means.
A notion that is as preposterous as my dreams.
It isn’t until I barely touch the caramel mousse cake that Colin finally asks, “What’s wrong? You were so excited to eat this, and now you’ve barely touched anything.”
I shrug to hide my surprise as my cheeks heat. “I’m just...” I can’t find any words that won’t sound like a bald-faced lie. “I’m...”
He swipes his thumb over my cheek bone. “Tell me the real version, Olivia. Having second thoughts again?”
I smile. Because yes. “I am having second thoughts. And third and fourth and fifth thoughts. I’m having all the thoughts, and I’ve never felt so sure and so unsure all at the same time.”
And I’ve never wanted to get out of a dream faster.
He considers me for a moment with gentle eyes. He reaches over the table and takes my hand. “Let’s just go ski. You always think better after you do something fun.”
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