Page 81 of A World Without You
The blow hits me hard. I can barely catch my breath but somehow manage to speak.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I whisper.
“No one ever does.” He sighs. “I was going to propose to you that Christmas.”
I nod, whispering, “I thought you might.”
“I loved you, Olivia.” His voice is small and cracking like the fire next to us. He balls his hands into fists, feeling the frustration of our reality before he speaks again, “I loved you! I loved you! I loved you!” he heaves and I know every emotion he’s stuffed down for five years is erupting out of the surface. “And you fucking destroyed us!”
I wince at the truth as a few onlookers turn their heads. I don’t even care that we’re making a scene. I want to cry at his feet. I want to go back and undo all of it. I want to be living in his apartment, sleeping in his bed, and waking up to his gluten-free pancakes.
I want justhim. I loved him once. It never went away. Not really. Not completely. My eyes flood with tears until the lines of his lips blur. “Colin...” I begin, but he holds up his hand.
“Don’t act so sad now. You’ve never been satisfied with what’s right in front of you. Never,” he emphasizes the last word.
I want to tell him he’s wrong and being cruel, but... “You’re right.”
He swallows and painfully peels his eyes off me. “You were my whole world, Olivia. I wanted you for my whole life. And you ended it over a good lay in the mountains.”
“I didn’t—” I begin to protest, telling him I didn’t sleep with Graham until after I called it off with Colin but he cuts me off.
“It doesn’t matter when. It matters that you did it. That you took our eight years and buried it in the snow.”
I close my eyes, and tears stream down my face.
“But you know what the problem is? Snow melts. And then you’re still left with all the problems you buried. They won’t go away. They stay on the surface, and you have to live with them.”
I nod, silenced by the truth in his unforgiveness.
“You know what the hardest part of all this is?” he asks.
“What?” I ask, trying to sound less hopeful.
“For years, I’ve tried to forget you. I prayed that somehow, some way, I’d be able to move on...” he pauses, and I swallow hard, knowing whatever I say will make him stop telling me how he really feels. “And that prayer was answered. I forgot about you the best I could. I moved on.”
The last three words physically assault me, and I clench my teeth to keep my composure.
“And then you just...come back. And I’m reminded of all the ways I loved you and wanted you and wished you could see that your life with me would be everything you ever wanted.”
My chin trembles, and my eyes fill with tears, and I dig my nails into my palms to keep them from shaking. I want to tell him we have that. In another world, the life he gives me is everything I ever wanted.
“I moved on, Olivia,” he repeats. He wants me to know it.
I narrow my eyes as he speaks. When I finally comprehend his words, I glance down at his empty left hand.
“I have a fiancée,” he clarifies.
The world spins. I’m too late. I realized I loved him too late.
“I love her,” he adds, his eyes filled with regret.
“Oh,” I breathe, nodding quickly, pretending it doesn’t break my heart and pretending it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to convince himself of his love. “I’m happy for you,” I lie, but I need it to be true. I need tolearnto be happy for him.
“I’m never going to do to her what you did to me,” he adds.
It’s the gut punch to the stomach—a wholly unbearable insinuation that I was about to destroy what he now holds most dear to his heart.
Emotion wraps around my throat and squeezes, strangling me. Up until now, all signs were pointing to Colin. He was the beginning and the end—the answer to why my dreams were playing tricks on me. Every road sign, every memory, every made-up timeline pointed to him.
