Page 89 of Goodbye Again
“Oh God, JP! She’s not suicidal. Just tired,” Audrey says, and I snort out a laugh. Damn, she’s funny. A part of my heart is rejoicing for JP. The other part is pissed she can’t make this woman a villain.
“No, have another kid. I love her and I love Alyson, but I’m convinced you can die of sleep deprivation,” Emily mumbles into her hands.
“You can. It’s science,” Austin says, entering the kitchen, freshly showered while his wife is not.Jackass, but God love him.
We all glare at him, and he shrugs. “I mean...” he starts to explain, then thinks better of it, “Never mind.”
I fork two pancakes onto a plate with eggs and sausage, then place them in front of my tired sister.
“Coffee with hazelnut creamer like the monsters you are,” JP says, sliding both Emily and Audrey’s mugs across the counter. He scoops Anjali into his arms from Audrey so she can drink her coffee. I try not to take note of how comfortable he looks holding a baby. I wonder when they plan to have kids or if they plan to at all. I wonder if he’s envious of Austin for having the first kids in the friend group. I wonder if he just sees himself as the fun uncle until the end of time. Then I remember and I wonder—more than anything—why he swept me off my feet only to go back to his on-again, off-again love and ask her to marry him.
Emily smirks at him. “You’re my favorite, JP. I’m so glad I don’t have to be mad at you anymore.” Emily eyes Audrey.
I swallow too much coffee, and the scalding liquid burns the back of my throat, but I still manage to screech out, “What did he do?”
I pretend I don’t feel JP’s gaze on me that screamswhat-the-fuck-Julesas I expect Audrey to say that he cheated. Instead, she says, “We hit a rough spot. Took a breather.”
“Yeah, and he exchanged your plane ticket to the gender reveal party and upgraded to a first-class ticket. I’m still so mad he told you not to come.”
I swallow again, my throat still burning. I blink away from my sister, and my eyes land on JP. His posture has lost its edge, and he’s staring intently at me. His cheek twitches as his jaw clenches, and I ignore my instinct to reach out and smooth the muscle with my thumb.
“Well, you know why he did,” Austin huffs from the couch as he mindlessly watches ESPN.
Audrey flushes, and her composure falters. I glance back at JP. He looks uncomfortable in this conversation, forcing himself to stare at the baby in his arms, and scratch his jaw like he wants to claw out of his skin and this conversation.
Emily and Audrey lock eyes—a quick message of apology for it being brought up.
I don’t care to protect Audrey from her transgression, but I do want to protect JP from the humiliation of remembering it, and him being so uncomfortable now, so I say, “Well, that’s all over now, right? All’s well that ends well.”
Audrey flashes me a smile brimming with gratitude, and says, “Yeah, and then he swung through Rhode Island on his way back to Chicago from Greece to visit his friend, Jordan, and one coffee date turned into lunch turned into forgiveness turned intoa visit to Chicago and then...” she shrugs. “I moved there and the rest is history.”
I absorb it all. The fade back into love while he faded out of communication with me. I turn back to the stove, collecting the pots and pans to wash while realizing how much it makes sense. It’s easy to fall back in love with someone that feels familiar. A person who knows what side of the bed you sleep on, how often you floss your teeth, and whether or not you sleep with socks on.
Emily whispers something to Audrey, then Anjali begins to fuss.
“Time to eat again,” Emily all but groans. “This two-week mark is going to be the death of me and my boobs.”
I smile to myself but don’t react as they leave the kitchen to find her nursing pillow on the couch. JP lingers silently in the corner behind me.
He wants to talk, but I don’t. At least, not now when all my questions will spill out. Questions I don’t want his fiancée to hear. Maybe it’s wrong to want to keep Audrey in the dark. Or maybe I’m protecting her from something that is highly unnecessary for her to know.
I had him for barely one summer. She gets him forever. A few months with me is not enough to wage war.
“Let me help,” he says, taking the pans from me and getting to work in the sink.
I silently wipe the counters and load the used dishes and mugs in the dishwasher. Every time I look at him, he’s licking his bottom lip or biting his cheek or twisting his mouth. All signs indicate he wants to talk.
I say nothing.
Eventually, JP walks away from my cold shoulder, and as he exits the kitchen, I realize his shirt isn’t a light pink tie-dye. It’s wine-stained.
I’ve never wanted to screamfuck youat someone more.
twenty-five
“THAT’S WAY TOO MUCHchampagne!” Emily laughs at the eight bottles I bought from Costco earlier.
I left shortly after breakfast with a list in hand to fully stock my sister’s refrigerator. I ended up strolling up and down every aisle no less than four times to avoid going back to the house.
