Page 25 of Play Dirty
Her eyes are fixed on nothing. Glassed over and unfocused.
No more warmth.
No more light.
“Shiloh. Shiloh.” I hear my dad’s voice ring out. I open my mouth to speak, but the words don’t come out. No tears. Nothing but a blanket of numbness covers me, pulling me into the abyss. “I have her, Mr. J,” Thiago responds.
“Oh, princess, come here.” Dad grabs me from Thiago's arms, I clasp hands around his neck, and suddenly I’m a little girl crying in my daddy’s arms again. “Daddy, fix this. Please.”
He kisses my face, pulling me closer to him. “I can’t, baby. Daddy can’t fix this. Not this time.”
One last time, I look back to see Nico closing her eyes and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead as they cover her body. My heart breaks, and I know without a doubt that tonight two of us died, but only one of us actually stopped breathing.
Nico
My phone buzzes in my pocket as I bite back the urge to scream, to rip apart the sick fucks holding their phones and recording. My skin burns from touching Shiloh, but it’s her words that cut the deepest. The cut is so penetrating—I feel like I can’t recover.
“You did this. You didn’t protect her.”Her broken voice replays in my head like a curse, like a mantra. I watch as the paramedics work on June’s body– nothing will come of it. She’s cold and rigid.
Dead.
Gone.
There’s no coming back. Once again, my phone goes off. This one isn’t the burner, but my personal phone. Pulling both out of my pocket, I turn and walk away from the gathering crowd.
Anonymous
All choices have consequences. Consider this yours.
I chuck the phone into a nearby fountain, the screen splintering into a web of cracks when it connects with the stone before falling into the water. I don’t even want to look down at my actual phone, but I do, fighting the urge to puke out the alcohol rising in my esophagus. This time, it’s not another threat or a donor.
It’s just a fucking gossip blog that appeared out of the blue.
The Blog Post
By the time I’m done with the post, my hands are shaking, and my lungs are not expanding. I bend, resting my hands on my thighsas I think back to the many conversations – the memories of June. All the regret swarms in, leaving no room for hope.
I feel nothing but anger and grief; it’s suffocating me. “Nico,” I hear Thiago say before I take off running. My hands fisting my shirt, trying to break free from the cage that holds me prisoner.
My legs pump harder with each stride.
My heart ricochets, and all I can hear is the rapid beating of my pulse. Thunder rolls through the sky as if heaven itself is mourning the great loss that we suffered. I don’t know if it’s the sky that’s crying or if it's me; I can’t tell if my face is drenched in sweat, tears, or rain. All I know is that my legs continue to propel me further– then bright light breaks from the darkness. I can’t stop in time, the car swerves, and blue orbs clash with mine. It’s not the icy ones that I’ve learned to drown in, but the ones that keep me leashed and docile.
Like a puppy, I submissively lower my head at the sight of my owner, breathing in heavily as the rain begins to pelt down on me. I wait for him to approach me– but he doesn’t. A small mercy on his part, or maybe he can’t show his true self. Not in front of her.
Not in front of his crying daughter.
She needs her daddy… and not the monster who breaks me. When the car finally pulls away, I allow myself to collapse. From exhaustion, from pain, and from everything I’ve been burying.
I hemorrhage everything I've held together with flimsy stitches. Shiloh is right, I never deserved June, her love, or her light. No matter how much I tried, I could never return the love she gave me. All I could do was please her the only way I knew how, but even I knew it wasn’t enough.
My nails dig into the wet soil as a sob wracks through my body. How much more? “HOW MUCH MORE?”
I wait for an answer that will never come— I pour my shame into the soil, and only when rage welcomes me back do I allow myself tostand.
I rise from the dirt and decide to continue to carry on, despite my pain. I will find out who did this, and I will kill them. Even if I have to become the monster in the story, I will avenge the woman who offered nothing but love and respect to me. Something so natural, but I couldn’t offer it back, because I was never hers. Fuck, I didn’t even belong to myself.
I look back at the Victorian building, the lights still shining, the mile-long driveway brimming with expensive cars. Surrounded by more vintage buildings and dorms. A luxurious wasteland, and I’ll happily watch it all burn.
