Page 42 of Winter Nights at the Bay Bookshop
‘Eat and drink too much – the usual stuff. We always play Trivial Pursuit or Pictionary or some other sort of quiz game and it gets loud and competitive but I wouldn’t have it any other way, especially when I know what a really lousy Christmas looks like.’
‘Sounds like a story,’ he said, pausing his work to look at me.
I hesitated, unsure as to why I’d blurted that out when I didn’t normally talk about Justin to anyone except Cassie. But I felt as though I wanted to share it with Lars. He’d let me in on something deeply personal when he spoke about his sister, and I wanted to let him into my life too.
‘It was years ago now,’ I said, adjusting to a cross-legged position for comfort. ‘Against my better judgement, I arranged to spend Christmas Day with my biological dad, Justin. He has a nasty habit of letting me down so I triple checked it was definitely on and, on Christmas Eve, he messaged me to confirm he was already at the hotel in York, Christmas dinner was booked and he’d see me the following day. So I drove to York on Christmas Day, checked in, went to the bar to wait for him as arranged and, as I was a bit early, I ordered a drink. Because I was on my own, I drank it a bit too quickly so I ordered another one and, even though I took it slower, he still hadn’t appeared by the time I was finished. I tried ringing him several times but there was no answer so I decided to knock for him. I asked for his room number at reception and discovered he’d checked out that morning.’
‘Without telling you?’
I nodded. ‘I checked my texts, emails, everything, but the last message I’d had from him was the one promising me he’d be there.’
Saying the words out loud, they sounded unbelievable. What sort of person did that to their own daughter on Christmas Day? I could still feel that sinking sensation in my gut as time ticked on with no sign of Justin, and the embarrassment as the bar staff shot sympathetic glances in my direction. I could also still feel that flicker of hope burning out as my biological dad rejected me yet again. And I let him.
‘That’s awful,’ Lars said. ‘What did you do?’
‘Spent the rest of Christmas Day on my own in my hotel room.’ Tears rushed to my eyes and I blinked them back.
‘I’m so sorry, Lily. Why did he do it?’
‘I honestly don’t know. Because he could?’ I pushed down the lump in my throat, annoyed that the memory could still hurt me years down the line. ‘Anyway, I was too upset to even think about eating the meal, especially when I’d have been surrounded by families celebrating. I couldn’t drive home as I’d had a couple of large drinks on an empty stomach so I had to stick it out all alone for the worst Christmas ever. Well, until the Christmas a few years later when my boyfriend was given a lose-your-job-or-move-to-Sheffield ultimatum on Christmas Eve and I knew it spelled the end for us. It’s a toss-up between the two of them as to which was the absolute worst. Still, two crap ones and thirty-two great ones is something to celebrate.’
I was aware that I sounded flippant, but it was the only way I could deal with the two scenarios which had both left scars on me.
23
LARS
Lily was smiling but I could see the hurt in her eyes and hear the pain in her voice and I longed to reach out and hold her. If we were doing this after hours, I might have done just that but I could hear Cassie talking to someone at the till and, even if there hadn’t been any customers in the shop, it probably wasn’t appropriate.
‘I didn’t realise Marcus wasn’t your biological dad,’ I said.
‘Most people don’t. Kadence and Hendrix are my half-siblings.’
‘Are you still in touch with Justin?’
She scrunched up her nose. ‘Yes, if you can call it that. I haven’t heard from him in over six months. I was meant to be seeing him on my birthday in March but, in typical Justin style, he cancelled on me the day before. At least it was better than a no-show.’
Once again, I could hear the pain despite the smile and jokey tone. ‘I’m so sorry you’ve been through all that.’
She gave me a weak smile before adding a handful of books to the shelf. This Justin sounded like a waste of space and probably best cut out of her life completely, but I knew from experience how complicated families could be. I also knew how confusing it was to know that their behaviour was unacceptable but somehow to feel conflicted by a sense of loyalty towards them if anyone else pointed that out.
I was stunned to discover that Marcus wasn’t Lily’s biological father and that her siblings were actually half-siblings. And I was furious with myself because my appalling attitude towards her back in school had been partly triggered by my belief and my envy that she had the ‘perfect’ family when my parents had seemingly rejected me and my only sibling had died.
The day in late August when Nanna brought me to Bay Books to get my stationery ready for senior school I’d hoped to see Lily. Her dad was behind the till but there was no sign of her. Nanna paid for my stationery and left me to browse the books in the children’s section while she visited some other shops. I was reading a blurb when I heard Lily’s voice and, still holding the book, I rushed to the archway, excited to see her, but stopped dead when I saw she wasn’t alone. The woman with her had dark, curly hair like Lily and had to be her mum. Lily was holding the hand of a young girl and there was a baby asleep in a pushchair. Lily’s dad was dishing out hugs and he kissed the baby’s forehead then kissed Lily’s mum. An older man appeared who I guessed was her granddad and he produced a sweet from behind the little girl’s ear, making her giggle, and another from behind Lily’s. Peeping round the archway watching them, I felt so incredibly lonely. I wished I had what Lily had and, at that moment, the warmth and friendship I’d felt towards her was replaced by envy and resentment. I slunk back into the children’s section and hoped she stayed out the front.
That first day at school, I’d never felt so lost and low. I hated Mum for leaving that morning without saying goodbye and I hated the kids at school who’d already taken the piss out of my accent. I just wanted to be alone with my book and couldn’t wait to escape into the world of the Baudelaire orphans, relating hard to their situation of being parentless and hounded by bad fortune. My hackles rose as footsteps approached. Why couldn’t the bullies just leave me alone? But it was Lily and she was all smiley and friendly and I should have embraced that but, instead, I released my frustration and anger on her. She didn’t deserve any of it but I was in self-destruct mode. What was the point in having any friends when they’d only abandon me sooner or later?
‘I think that’s about it for the picture books,’ Lily said, bringing my focus back to the present. ‘If we add any more, they’ll get shoved back in and damaged.’
She gathered the spares into a pile and I returned them to the cupboard before removing a pile of chapter books for younger readers and carrying them across to the tree. As Lily looked through the pile, I chewed on my lip, feeling the need to explain the mess in my head all of those years ago and how she’d been unfairly the target of my pain, but was the workplace the right place to do that? She might need some time to process it. She might get angry and want to tell me exactly what she thought of me and I couldn’t blame her if she did. I was angry with me. Plus, she had said she wanted to put a line in the sand and forget about it all. What if me bringing it all to the fore opened up some old wounds? The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her again, especially when it sounded like so many men in her life had already caused her pain.
Placing a second pile of paperbacks down next to Lily, I returned to the cupboard for more, still debating what – if anything – to say.
‘The Bookmas tree’s looking good,’ Cassie said, smiling as she joined us. ‘Every time I see it, it takes me right back to picking out books when I was this high.’ She put her hand out to indicate a toddler’s height. ‘Did I tell you, Lars, that this shop and particularly the Bookmas tree were responsible for my love of books? If I’d told the six-year-old me that she’d end up working here…’
Cassie’s eyes shone as she spoke, just like Lily’s did and just like Pia’s had whenever books were mentioned.
‘Anyway, it’s half two so I’m off,’ Cassie said. ‘There’s nobody out the front but there are a few customers upstairs.’
