Page 50 of Winter Nights at the Bay Bookshop
‘At first, I had no regrets about pushing Lily away. It felt like the right thing to do for both of us. But when I hit the teenage years, I longed to go back and change that conversation behind the sports hall. I’d sometimes catch her eye across the classroom and I had this sense that one encouraging smile was all it would take to change the course of our relationship, and yet I kept thisI’m not your friendmask firmly in place right up until the day when I walked into Bay Books hoping for a job.’
‘So that was why I had to push you to apply.’
I nodded. ‘I really wanted the job but I was embarrassed about seeing her again, mortified by how I behaved. I even called herLittle Miss Perfectand it was so unfair and so stupid because her life wasn’t perfect. Her biological father treated her like crap. Still does. I got it all so spectacularly wrong.’
‘Don’t beat yourself up about it, Lars. You were a confused kid in a lot of pain and I can see why you’d project that onto someone else. And I can see why you’d push Lily away to protect yourself from being abandoned again. You mentioned wearing a mask and you’re not alone. I think most of us wear masks. Some don’t wear them very often, some wear them in certain circumstances, and some have them on nearly all the time. Like me. Like you.’
I’d done it for most of my life. I’d worn myI’m fine with being ignoredmask while my parents battled over what was right for Pia because I didn’t want to give them further cause to fight. I’d worn myI’m okay without my parentsmask in front of Nanna because I didn’t want her to feel like she wasn’t enough on her own or to give her any reason to abandon me like my parents had. I’d worn myI know exactly what I’m doingmask while running My Study Hub when, most of the time, I was freewheeling. And I’d worn myI don’t want or need any friends because I’m happier on my ownmask at school, pushing away the one person whose friendship I absolutelydidwant and need.
I’d always kept it real with Pia. My sister had been wise beyond her years. Any time I’d tried to hide anything from her, she’d called me out on it so I’d shared how much I hated Mum and Pabbi fighting and how terrified I was every time Pia had an asthma attack. She told me to think of the magic of Christmas and let my world sparkle instead, but it was so hard to do that after she was gone, especially when Pabbi left next, and then Mum.
‘A mask has been my default mode for so long,’ I admitted, ‘but I haven’t worn it around Lily. I feel like I can show her who I really am.’
FindingAnna and the Snow Dragonhad made me vulnerable around her and I’d shared things with her that I’d never spoken about to anyone else.
‘If you feel that way, you need to tell her everything or it’s going to niggle away at you and it’ll come out eventually, probably at a bad time. You really like her, don’t you? As in you want more than friendship?’
I nodded.
‘Then it’s best to get everything out on the table before that happens. She’s already forgiven you because she can see you’re not the same person anymore and I can’t imagine she wouldn’t be even more forgiving when she understands where the behaviour came from.’
‘When you put it like that…’
Danika raised her glass and clinked it against mine. ‘To being open and honest and letting the people we care about see behind the mask.’
It was a bit long to repeat so I smiled at her and said, ‘To that.’
‘Speaking of being open and honest and looking behind the mask,’ she said. ‘I have a date tomorrow night. She’s called Milana, she moved here from Latvia when she was fourteen and she’s stunning. She was doing short-term cover as a hygienist at work and, oh my God, she has the most perfect set of teeth I’ve ever seen.’
I can’t say I particularly noticed a person’s teeth but I could imagine that, having a dentist dad and working in a dental practice, it would be high on the list of what Danika would notice.
‘Do you know what really hooked me?’ she asked.
‘Can’t even begin to guess.’
‘Milana put some chocolates in the fridge with a Post-it note on them sayingHands off, Cat! Get your own!It was only the start of her second week with us and she’d already sussed my sister out. I thought to myself,this is a woman I have to get to know!And that really surprised me because I haven’t been interested in anyone for years.’
‘Who suggested the date?’
‘Me. I’d already done my due diligence – casually discovered she was single and her last partner had been a woman – so I decided to go for it.’
‘I’m impressed. I’m crap at reading signals and really struggle with the asking someone out on a date thing.’ I thought about the conversation with Lily about catching up outside of work and how, after we’d been interrupted and after I’d discovered she had plans that evening with Cassie and Jemma, I’d been too chicken to go back to it and commit to it happening.
‘I reckon you’re better at reading the signals than you think. You can tell when someone’s interested – you just can. It’s little things like them holding eye contact for longer than usual, finding reasons for physical contact, turning round and catching them gazing at you and all that sort of stuff. Can you put ticks in any of those boxes for Lily?’
‘All of them.’
‘Then she’s interested and you should go for it. I know it’s scary taking that leap but sometimes you just have to. I could have found a hundred reasons for not asking Milana out – most of them being about the impact of letting someone into my life when I like things how they are – but I wouldn’t let myself go there. I find her attractive and I’m determined to just go with the flow and take it one date at a time with Milana instead of panicking about her disrupting my routine. And do you know who helped me come to that conclusion? You.’
‘Me? What did I do?’
‘Disrupt my life with video calls, career counselling and drinks after work. At the risk of sounding soppy, you’ve made my life better so I figured not all disruptions to my routine are bad ones.’
‘You say the nicest things,’ I said, grinning at her. ‘And it’s reciprocal. I’ve never had a best mate and I like it.’
‘I’m your best mate? Aw, Lars, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. Happy to accept the position and I think I should get another round in to celebrate our new best friendship.’
As she headed to the bar, I chuckled to myself. I’d been seeking a perfect relationship and I hadn’t found it with Cat but I’d found a perfect friendship with her sister instead. Life was surprising sometimes, and it could get even better if I took a leaf out of Danika’s book and asked Lily out. The worst thing that could happen was a no but what if she said yes? The thought made me feel all warm inside.
