Page 59 of Winter Nights at the Bay Bookshop
She paused for a moment, her eyes fixed on mine once more, and I wondered if she knew what I was thinking – how closely I could relate to Gilbert’s regret for his childhood behaviour.
‘Anne just needs time – till the third book, as it happens – to realise how she feels about him too but it’s such a beautiful moment that it’s worth the wait.’ Her eyes welled with tears and she laughed lightly. ‘It gets me every time.’
I pictured her behind the sports hall, holding up the book she was reading and telling me how relieved she was to see me after her best friend had ditched her. It was time for my confession.
‘You were readingAnne of Green Gablesthat first day at school,’ I said.
‘I was! I didn’t think you’d noticed. You barely looked at me.’
‘Your hair was in two plaits. You had a black bobble in one and a blue one in the other. There was a fluffy duck keyring hanging from your bag and you clung onto that book as though it was your only friend in the world.’
‘But…’ Tears welled in her eyes once more. ‘I didn’t think…’
‘I saw you that day, Lily. I’ve always seen you and I should have…’ I raked my fingers through my hair, nerves engulfing me, but there’d never be a better moment to do this. ‘I know you said to draw a line in the sand about what happened at school and I appreciate you not holding it against me, but I owe you an explanation.’
She studied my face for a moment, a Mad Hatter ornament dangling from one finger.
‘Okay, but this sounds like a sitting-down chat. Let’s go out the back.’
She hung the ornament on a branch and I followed her through to the children’s section. Moving a couple of the tub chairs closer to each other, I breathed in deeply as I sat down.
‘I told you that my little sister, Pia, died and I told you my parents were divorced and my pabbi moved back to Iceland. What I didn’t tell you was that it all happened at the same time…’
I ran through the events of that difficult year but, when I reached the part where I woke up on my first morning of senior school to discover that Mum had left without saying goodbye, a wave of emotion unexpectedly crashed over me. My voice cracked and tears spilled down my cheeks as I struggled to get any more words out. Next moment, Lily took my hands and eased me to my feet. She wrapped her arms round me and hugged me tightly as the emotion poured from me. I’d thought I was okay with everything that had happened – sad and disappointed but okay. Evidently I’d avoided it rather than dealt with it and now I couldn’t stop the hurt caused by being abandoned like that from overpowering me. Lily didn’t say anything. She just held me, stroking my back, until I stopped shaking and the tears slowed.
‘I wasn’t expecting that,’ I murmured.
‘You obviously needed it. Are you okay?’
‘I think so.’
She released her hold and pulled her chair closer to mine as I sat back down. As she sat, she placed her hand gently on my thigh. ‘You don’t have to continue if it’s too hard.’
I smiled weakly. ‘Thanks, but I think I’m best getting the rest out now. I don’t think that’ll happen again.’
‘I’ve got some bottles of water in the fridge. I’ll grab you one of those.’
I appreciated her giving me a few minutes to compose myself before returning from the staff room with some water and a box of tissues. I took a tissue and wiped my cheeks.
‘You’ve got some tissue caught on…’ Lily leaned forward and brushed her hand across my jawline, her gentle touch sending a pulse of electricity through me. ‘All gone.’
After taking a few glugs of water, I picked up where I’d left off. ‘I was a mess when I started at school. I was grieving for my sister and also for the loss of my parents from my life, but I didn’t know that back then. I was so angry and confused. Sometimes I’d sit on my bed with my hands under my legs, desperately fighting the urge to leap up and trash the room. I wanted to hurl things at the mirror, yank my wardrobe doors off, stamp on things, but there was this little voice in my head sayingif you do that, Nanna won’t want to keep you and then you’ll have nobodyso I’d bury my head in my pillow and scream into it and pound my fists on the mattress.’
‘Oh, Lars, that’s awful. You must have been terrified.’
‘I was. The crazy thing is that my nanna’s amazing. We’ve always been close so I could have talked to her and she’d have helped me through it, but I kept it all locked inside me most of the time because of this fear of her abandoning me too.’
‘That’s understandable after what your parents did. What were they thinking?’ She bit her lip. ‘Sorry. I’m being judgy when I don’t know the full story.’
‘It’s not judgy, it’s accurate,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I kept thinking they’d come back saying how sorry they were and that we could still be a family despite losing Pia. My birthday’s in December so I let myself believe they’d come back for that. Or Christmas. New Year… But it never happened.’
I took another swig of water. This was the crux moment. This was the point I was going to tell her why I’d pushed her away.
‘I’d never taken much notice of other people when I was out and about – more likely to notice birds or trees – but across the summer before Mum left, I started noticing people more. Specifically happy families. And this ball of anger built inside me. I wanted that. I wanted a mum, dad and sister. I wanted my family back together and I resented everyone who had what I didn’t. And one day Nanna brought me into Bay Books to get some back-to-school stationery…’
I told her how much I’d been looking forward to seeing her, how disappointed I was when she wasn’t there and my irrational reaction to seeing her with her family.
‘We’d never spoken about our families. You knew nothing about mine and all I knew about yours was that your dad worked here, but I saw you all together that day and the green-eyed monster got to me. You had the perfect family and I was so envious.’
