Page 8 of Winter Nights at the Bay Bookshop
As for Justin, he drifted in and out of my life and I stupidly let him. The last time I’d heard from him was six months ago, the day before the worst birthday ever. Wes had been due back from Dubai for a week’s holiday but, as his parents, extended family and some friends were in Manchester, we’d agreed to spend the week there. Justin was working in Manchester at the time so it seemed the perfect opportunity to celebrate my birthday with him for the first time ever while also introducing him to Wes. Except my phone had buzzed with a WhatsApp notification before I left for my train on the Friday afternoon.
From Justin
Sorry, kiddo, double-booked tomorrow. Can’t meet you now. In touch soon
I hated him calling me ‘kiddo’. It might have been cute once when I actually was a kid but it wasn’t anymore. I hadn’t appreciated the short notice of the cancellation, but what really hurt was that he hadn’t even acknowledged my birthday. It shouldn’t have got to me because I’d never received a birthday gift from him and the only occasions I’d ever received a card were if he happened to have a girlfriend at the time who took control of things like that.
I clicked into that last message now and sighed. To be fair to him, the absence of ahappy birthdaymessage had hurt so much more this year because of Wes and I splitting up on my birthday. That had been nothing to do with Justin and I’d perhaps been unfairly holding it against him as I wouldn’t normally have let six months pass without making contact. But as I stared at my phone, I realised I had nothing to say to him, so I closed WhatsApp down and put my phone away.
‘You look fed up,’ Cassie said, joining me at the till.
‘I was just thinking about Justin. He hasn’t been in touch since he cancelled on me in March and I was wondering why I bother trying with him.’
‘Beats me. I know it’s harder to cut someone out of your life when they’re family, but when that person is never there for you, is it really such a big deal?’
Cassie hadn’t had anything to do with her biological father for years. He’d left when she was eight and, just like Justin, had dipped in and out of her life. He only lived a few miles down the coast in Fellingthorpe so it wasn’t like he could use Justin’s often-made excuse of living and working hours away. When Cassie found out that she and her partner Jared were expecting Hallie, now six years old, she wasn’t sure she even wanted to tell her dad but she decided to give him one more chance. His response to the news had beenyou needn’t think I’m babysitting, which had told Cassie exactly what she meant to him and she hadn’t bothered with him since.
‘I know, but…’ I tailed off, shrugging.
‘Sack him off,’ she said. ‘You’ll feel so much better for it.’
I remembered Cassie telling me that it had felt like a weight was lifted knowing she never had to see her dad again and how thrilled she was that she’d no longer have to feel that slap of rejection every time he cancelled on her. I hated the rejection from Justin too. It made me feel worthless and I’d thought about cutting him out so many times. It wasn’t as though he brought anything to my life and I certainly didn’t need him to fill any sort of gap for me. I already had two wonderful parents and was blessed with four fantastic grandparents. Until recently, I’d had six wonderful grandparents because, despite their son’s uninterest, Justin’s parents had been eager to be part of my life. Sadly, they’d passed away within a few days of each other in February two years ago. The double funeral had been the last time I saw Justin and he’d barely spoken to me then, despite plenty of opportunity at the wake to do so. I’d given him the benefit of the doubt because it was an emotional day and also because Mum was with me and she and Justin hadn’t spoken in years, but he’d barely been in contact since. It was always me who did the reaching out, which I suppose spoke volumes.
‘Go on!’ Cassie urged. ‘Cut those ties!’
I screwed up my nose at her. ‘I want to, but I just can’t do it.’
‘Why?’
‘I wish I knew. My head’s telling me the same as you but there’s something inside me telling me to keep trying with him.’
‘Like a tapeworm?’ Cassie quipped. ‘Look, Lily, nobody understands more than me cos I’ve been there too, but you have to ask yourself if your life is better with him in it or out of it. In the twenty-three years we’ve been besties, I can’t recall a single positive interaction you’ve had with that man but I could reel off dozens of times when he’s let you down or upset you. You deserve so much better so have a word with that tapeworm inside of you, ask it to explain why you’re clinging on, and deal with it. Promise?’
‘I promise.’ I smiled at her, forever grateful for her friendship. ‘Onto nicer subjects, you said you’d finalised a cake design with Carly…’
Cassie and Jared were getting married in early December and I’d be a bridesmaid alongside our friend Donna. It would be my third time as a bridesmaid but I refused to get superstitious about the sayingthree times a bridesmaid, never a bride. I preferred to focus on what Dad had said yesterday about finding my Gilbert Blythe when I least expected to. Even though I’d sworn off men for now, it was a romantic notion that made my heart flutter.The unexpected things in life are often the best.Like Mum having me, like her meeting and falling in love with Dad, like Granny Blue announcing she had a publishing deal and handing over the business to Dad, and like me becoming best friends with Cassie.
* * *
‘I’ve been thinking about what you said yesterday about Wes and Ewan not being my Gilbert Blythe,’ I said to Dad as I drove us home after work. ‘Can I ask what made you think that?’
‘It was the same two things for both of them. Although Anne and Gilbert clashed at first, what made them so perfect for each other was the deep friendship that developed between them. I’m not saying you didn’t have a friendship with Wes and Ewan, but…’
Even if I hadn’t glanced across at Dad and caught his grimace, I could hear the discomfort in his words and understand why he’d tailed off.
‘We weren’t the best of friends,’ I finished for him. ‘I don’t know why I never realised that until now.’
‘Different relationships work for different reasons. I’ve no doubt there are successful partnerships where the couple aren’t the best of friends, but I’m not convinced that’s right for you.’
Mum and Dad attributed their successful marriage to a love forged through a strong friendship. Just like Anne and Gilbert.
‘You said there were two things. What’s the other one?’ I asked.
‘Books.’
He didn’t need to expand. It was another thing that seemed so obvious now. Ewan had occasionally picked up a non-fiction title but books weren’t a passion for him and Wes had hated reading. When he was first seconded to Dubai, I wrote lengthy emails and even sent letters but he admitted his contempt for reading wasn’t limited to books so I stopped writing and we only FaceTimed. The time difference was only a few hours but Wes went out so often on an evening that it was hard to catch him at home, meaning our conversations were invariably short and superficial. Even though I’d never realised it at the time, such limited contact had caused serious damage to our relationship.
‘It’s healthy for a couple to have different interests,’ Dad said. ‘Your mum has zero interest in cricket and I can’t paint but we both love books. It strikes me that, when somebody’s as passionate about books as you are, your perfect match is a person who feels the same as opposed to somebody who hates reading.’
