Page 83 of Winter Nights at the Bay Bookshop
LILY
I hadn’t been lying to Lars when I said I had a headache but I’d lied about the reason. Iwasshattered, but that hadn’t caused the headache. It came from the effort of keeping the tears at bay, at pasting a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was scream. My head pounded all the way home and I’d barely closed the door behind me at Green Gables before a strangled sob burst from my mouth. With no energy to make it any further, I sank onto one of the kitchen table chairs, and let my emotions spill out. There was only me here so it didn’t matter how loud and messy it all became. I just had to let it be.
During a lull late this afternoon, the team had spread themselves around the shop to restock and tidy up. Alec was covering the whole of non-fiction – usually the tidiest sections – and, as the children’s section was typically the most trashed, Flo and Lars had been tackling it together. I’d been restocking the notebooks by the till when I overheard their conversation. Flo had told Lars that visiting Iceland was on her dream holiday list and asked if he’d seen much of the island. He’d told her what I already knew – that his family came from Húsavík in the north so he was most familiar with that area, and that he’d visited Reykjavík and variousGame of Thronesfilm settings. But what he’d said next was news to me.
‘I’m going to visit my family when my contract finishes here and I’ve got big plans to explore Iceland and the other Nordic countries. Viking history and culture fascinates me.’
I’d had to grip onto one of the shelves to steady myself. Lars hadn’t said anything to me about visiting his family and he certainly hadn’t told me he hadbig plans. I’d inched a little closer, my ears pinned for further details. Flo asked him what the difference was between the Nordic and Scandinavian countries so Lars explained that before telling her the various towns and landmarks he was most excited about visiting. So many places. How long was that going to take?
My throat hurt now from crying. Feeling like I had leaden weights attached to my feet, I made it to the sink and downed a glass of water before pouring another one and shuffling through the lounge and into my bedroom. Placing the glass down on my bedside cabinet, I curled up on top of the duvet and closed my eyes.
It was happening again. I’d trusted him. I’d opened up to him about how much I’d struggled with Ewan and Wes choosing Whitsborough Bay as their home and me as their future, only to drop us both when a better offer came along. What was wrong with me? Why did the men I fell for always leave me? Or was there some deeper psychological issue there and it was me who chose men who I knew were going to leave?
I searched my memory bank for anything Lars might have said or done to reassure me that I was mistaken and he had no intention of leaving Whitsborough Bay. He’d bought a house but he hadn’t purchased any furniture for it. I hadn’t even been invited to visit. He’d said there was no point when there was only one old chair he’d brought from his nanna’s house to tide him over, so we’d either gone out or spent the evening here in Green Gables. And when I mentioned him putting a tree up, he hadn’t been at all enthusiastic about it, which didn’t match with someone who’d told me how much he loved Christmas trees.
Buying a house should be an indication of his intention to stay, but he’d barely said anything about it other than it had needed lots of work. I remembered him saying he’d needed to find somewhere to live because his nanna was moving into Bay View and didn’t want to sell him her house. That smacked of convenience rather than a clear investment in his dream home. With no furniture, no enthusiasm for a tree and no invitation for me to visit, it felt as though his house was merely a stop-gap while he decided what to do next. While he prepared for his travels.
But why not rent a house if that was the case? And why apply for the job in Bay Books when he could have put stuff in storage and gone travelling as soon as he sold the business?
My head was a mess. I returned to the lounge and retrieved my phone from my bag. Back in the bedroom, I placed it on the bed beside me and stared at it. One call. One question.Are you leaving me to go travelling in the spring?That’s all that was needed. My fingers twitched towards it several times, but I couldn’t seem to pick it up and ring Lars because fear had wrapped its icy fingers around me and was squeezing tightly. Yes, Lars might tell me he had no intention of leaving me and we could laugh about it and live happily ever after. But what if he told me hewasleaving and not to worry because he’d be back? I’d heard that before. I knew how these things went. One month, two, three, six… it could stretch out into so much longer. Like it had when Justin promised my mum he’d just get the interrailing bug out of his system and be back to accept his impending parental responsibilities.
* * *
I tossed and turned most of the night, dreaming of sprinting along airport runway after runway as planes took off, taking Lars away from me. My headache hadn’t shifted when I arrived for work but I smiled and acted as though there was nothing wrong. It helped that the shop was busy so the hours raced by. It also helped that I knew there was no chance of Lars dropping in unexpectedly because he’d told me he was spending the day with Danika.
I had so much to think about but the combination of a hectic social life since getting together with Lars, the crazy hours I’d been working recently and the time needed to paint the Yule Lads, Christmas Cat and write out the explanations – significantly more hours than I’d anticipated – had taken their toll and I couldn’t seem to process anything clearly. Lars and I needed to talk but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do it. Even if he told me I’d got it all wrong and he wasn’t going anywhere, I didn’t trust myself not to say something that had the ability to destroy what we had. I’d accepted the end of my relationship with Ewan without a fight. I’d done the same with Wes. I’d even done it when Jordan ditched me. I’d walked away quietly instead of sharing how hurt I was, how disappointed, how angry. I now realised I’d kept all of those emotions pent up inside me and they were ready to be released. I didn’t want to unleash them on Lars but I was terrified that a combination of fear and fatigue might lead to that. I needed some more space away from him which meant not working together tomorrow.
Alec had finished university for the year and was keen to work extra hours. He was already scheduled in to cover Cassie’s lunchtime shift tomorrow while she was in Switzerland on a mini-moon with Jared so I rang Alec and asked him if he was interested in a full shift tomorrow, which he gratefully accepted. He confirmed he could do Tuesday too if needed and it was fine to let him know last minute as he wouldn’t be making other plans. Next I rang Granddad George to ask if he could cover the lunchtime shift tomorrow but Granny Blue answered so I asked her how her eyes were doing.
‘Healing nicely, I believe. The blurry vision is long gone and it’s quite wonderful to see again without glasses.’
‘That’s good news. I have a favour to ask. I don’t suppose Granddad George could cover lunchtime in the shop tomorrow?’
‘He’d love to,’ she said after breaking off to check with him, ‘but I’ll come too. You know how much I love a Christmas shift. You can never have too many staff in at this time of year.’
‘Thank you. That’s really helpful.’
‘Who can’t make it?’
‘Me. Seven days a week has been too much on top of Christmas and Cassie’s wedding. I need a day to recharge my batteries.’
‘Sweetheart, you sound exhausted. Leave it with us. We’ll be in tomorrow and just shout if you need longer off.’
I thanked her profusely and released a few tears of relief when I hung up. I just hoped Lars would forgive me for not letting him know I wouldn’t be in tomorrow. If I contacted him, he’d want to know why and I wouldn’t be able to keep fobbing him off. It was better to stay quiet for now until I had my emotions in check.
44
LARS
I’d been out first thing on Sunday morning with my Christmas Paperback Pixie books and I couldn’t wait for Lily’s reaction but I knew she’d be too busy during the day to notice my Instagram post. By Sunday evening, I was on tenterhooks, waiting for her to ring to say she’d pieced together the clues and ask if I was really the elusive Paperback Pixie.
It was midnight before I finally accepted I wasn’t going to hear from her and settled down to sleep. I felt a little disappointed at first but I told myself not to be so daft. She probably hadn’t even seen the photos. Even though both Lily and Cassie followed the Paperback Pixie, it was nearly always Cassie who spotted the updates and flagged them to Lily but Cassie was away on her mini-moon just now.
As I approached Bay Books on Monday morning, I felt a mixture of nerves and excitement, wondering whether Lily might have seen the feed this morning. I unlocked the front door and was surprised to find Alec behind the counter.
‘Hi, Alec! I thought you were doing the lunchtime shift.’
‘Lily asked if I could do a full day instead. Her grandparents are coming in over lunch.’
