Page 45 of Facing the Enemy
I’m sorry, Father. Please forgive me. You took Trenton home so he wouldn’t have to battle with addictions. You took him home because he’d struggled long enough.
The eeriness of the supernatural wove with reality ... The voice inside me belonged to Gage, the one urging me to stop and listen to reason ... that voice belonged to God. How could I quarrel with a God who showed more love in His holy breath than I’d ever encounter in my lifetime?
I walked slowly back to the entrance of Carson’s room and grabbed support from a post holding up the motel. All I could do was cry over my own miserable condition.
24
No one should ever separate themselves from God. Nothing good comes from stepping away from the only source of life and healing. Standing outside the less-than-stellar motel where Gage and I finally tracked down Carson Lowell, I faced the ugliness of my vengeance. Instead of trusting God to guide me, I’d chosen my way of justice—and confessed I’d followed that crooked path since Trenton’s funeral. But why did my brother have to die?
Carson needed to hear my sincere apology, no matter if he was guilty or innocent. Truth would unfold and justice would be served—righteous justice, not my definition. Someone once said truth was often an opinion, but no one could argue with facts. I needed facts to see the real truth. But I needed truth to show me the way.
Gage deserved to hear what I’d done since Trenton’s death. He’d spoken of his caring, and I couldn’t ignore it, especially when my heart ached for him. Alone in the gathering darkness, I forced myself to journey through my scattered feelings for him ... Scattered might not have been the best term but definitely confusion. With Gage, I felt at ease. No pretense or facade. Right from the first day of our partnership, we had a strange connection as though we’d known each other for years. He brought out the best in me, and he claimed I did the same for him.
I smiled and leaned against the pole outside of Carson’s room. Sometimes Gage and I brought out the worst in each other and learned from our errors, and when we disagreed, the resolution brought us closer together. Our respect for each other kept us friends. But I sensed more, an unexplainable bond, as if ... I was home. No point in denying my feelings.
I loved Gage. I needed to tell him.
The color green represented him. He stood for nurturing, growth, and renewal. Odd, but true.
The door behind me creaked open, and I felt Gage’s presence. The scent of strength and warmth emitted from him, so difficult to describe but easy to embrace, to treasure. I wanted to face him, but I feared I’d cry more. God had wrung me dry, and rightfully so.
I reached deep inside for courage, yet I still couldn’t give him eye contact. “I’m sorry for what I did to Carson. I’ll apologize to him.”
“Are you okay?”
How should I answer? “Trying to be. I made the mistake of judging Carson without even hearing him out, wanting him to pay for Trenton’s death. Placed myself in a role that warred against all I believed right and holy. His guilt or innocence is not my decision but for a court of law and God.”
I breathed in slowly to calm my trembling body. “Gage, I’ve been incredibly wrong about too many things. I failed you as a friend. Not just failed but acted as though I didn’t care about all the bits of life we’d experienced together.”
“You’ve never failed me.” In the dark shadows, his presence calmed me.
I forced myself to turn and gaze into his face, the face of a man brimming with integrity. The faint light highlighted his rust-colored hair. “I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry.”
His kind smile told me I had cut deep with my selfishness. “Are you convinced Carson drove the killer’s car?”
I shook my head. “Not sure, except he knows something. He’s scared and running. You and I have seen enough frightened people to know the two are not a good mix. Is he brilliant and manipulatingus so we think he’s innocent? Is he running from something too big for him to handle? And the hugest suspicion is that he suffers from severe mental issues.”
“Let’s talk to him. Get some answers and try to figure this out.”
“As in calmly without me stumbling off the insanity cliff?”
He chuckled. “An excellent starting point.”
“I’ll not let my emotions take over this time.”
“Would you lead out?” Gage said. “Carson may open up quicker to a friend.”
“This friend wanted to kill him.”
“He got the message.”
I bit back the regret threatening to seize my emotions. “If he wasn’t afraid of me as his prof, I’m sure he has a new taste of my potential. Before we go in, I have a confession. Only SAC Dunkin knows this and DC.” I struggled to keep from bursting into tears again. “I’m on leave, not resigned from the FBI. I should have told you right from the start. And when this mess with Carson is talked through, I’ll tell you the whole story.”
Relief spread over him, and his shoulders relaxed. “Wonderful news. Worth a moose sweatshirt and black-framed glasses. We’ll see what Carson has to say.”
I needed God’s help to restrain my emotions. But I was afraid of myself.
25
