Page 106 of Nearly Roadkill
“I’m a female,” ze finished in a voice that trailed off. “And now my freedom’s over.” Ze looked over at Winc, who was quiet now.
Scratch added, “I haven’t worn a dress in about twenty-five years. I’m thirty-eight, and in the last few years I’ve grown to love my face and my tits and, for some reason, my feet. I’ve heard ‘ugly chick’ in my head for so long it has no meaning anymore.”
No way Scratch is ugly!
“Finally I started dressing and acting how I felt cuz it’s my fucking life and I wasted a whole lot of time acting like it’s someone else’s.” Ze paused. “Do you know what happened when I started doing that?” But ze wasn’t really waiting for our answer. “Nothing. Except,” and Scratch started blushing, “I got a whole lot more dates from women.”
For some reason, I blushed too. We all sat together in silence for a while.
Winc took a deep breath and said, “Okay, since you’re being so honest. Um….”
“Wait!” Scratch asked. “What do you think about all that?”
“Well, maybe I’d like to know—who do you like to sleep with?”
My jaw dropped.
“I like to sleep with my teddy bear and my modem at this point,” Scratch snapped.
“Stop it. For real, just say,” Winc replied.
But Scratch talks in paragraphs, so I knew this would be long. But first ze turned to me.
“Sorry about this, kid. I promise I won’t go into gory details. You okay?”
I nodded. Of course I was okay. But I’m glad ze does that. I feel safe with Scratch. Ze took a deep breath and spoke to Winc.
“I’m not sure what I am or who I sleep with. Not that I’m some fence-sitter, but right now, touching someone else’s body—no matter what sex—is equally scary to me. I prefer the company of women, but sometimes it’s as a man, so what does that make me? I have a mustache—I keep it in a jar—and an old fedora. Sometimes I go to a bar as a guy and buy drinks for people. Most times for women, sometimes for men. Gay men, mostly, but the point is I do it silently like there’s a contract between me and the bartender that’s as old as men drinking in a bar. It’s amazing what you don’t have to say if you look like a man. Then I go home and take it all off and stare at my body and am shocked that I don’t look like James Dean or don’t have a tail. It kills me sometimes that I don’t have a tail….
“I can’t believe you asked that,” Scratch added. “I can’t tell you what I’m about sexually; I just arrived at being female. My kind of female,” ze muttered.
“It makes a difference to me, that’s all,” said Winc, and ze didn’t add anything else.
I’ve never heard that kind of thing matter to Winc before. Ze was being persistent in this way I’d never seen, like ze’d decided something.
Scratch looked at Winc, studying hir. “You’re worried about how we’ll do it?” ze said, kind of shaking hir head.
Winc stared out of the car window. “No! Yes! Look, this is getting too nailed down! Can’t we just go back online now?”
Scratch smiled. They looked at each other. I felt like I was reading somebody else’s mail and should get the hell out of there.
Right then, Scratch said to me, “I’m really glad you’re here, dude. You’re keeping me honest.”
“Yes, exactly,” said Winc, and they both looked at each other like everything was all figured out now. I was more confused than ever.
“I asked that stupid question,” Winc said, turning back to Scratch, “because of that little problem we’ve talked about: Who we are affects how we will be with each other. Can we just get it over with?”
I wanted to be funny because of all this tension, so I said, “Hey, I’m a guy, and I’m 15! That’s my story! Thanks for asking!” and they both laughed.
Winc took a deep breath and said, “I think what’s important is to figure how to keep Toobe safe right now.”
Well, sure that was important, but Scratch and I looked at each other, both knowing Winc was stalling. Scratch is cool; ze let Winc stall. Then ze said, “I think we just stick together.” I agreed, and we all went silent again.
I thought it was time for Winc to tell hir story, so I said, “Maybe you could start with how you know me, Winc?”
“Right. Okay,” Winc mumbled. Ze took another deep breath.
“Toobe’s father and I went to college together. Matter of fact, we were in the same dorm. Same dorm room.”
