Page 114 of Confessions of a Virgin on a Dating App
“It’s okay, Avie.” Devin rubbed my shoulder, pressing a gentle kiss against my collarbone. “That was my fault. It’s still too early to try.”
Devin’s soft words usually soothed me, but that night I ended up in a downward spiral about how broken I was and that I was doomed to be a virgin for the rest of my life. It took almost an hour, and numerous reassurances from my boyfriend, for me to calm down enough to get some sleep.
But over the next few weeks, it gave me a renewed sense of determination. I practiced with the dilators every single night. Sometimes even in the morning too. But I kept running into the same problem: putting them in was far more difficult when I wasn’t aroused. And I couldn’t always rely on Devin to get me worked up.
So, one Saturday afternoon, while Devin was working, I ended up alone in the apartment with a few hours of rare free time. Cassidy and I had brunch earlier that day – we were eager to see each other since we were barely roommates anymore. Afterwards, I picked up a few items fordinner, and it hit me that I hadn’t been grocery shopping for my own townhouse in weeks.
I then picked up a refill of my birth control from the pharmacy, stopped at the pet store to pick up food for Gideon, and drove back to Devin’s townhouse. But by then, it was only 2 p.m., and Devin wouldn’t be home until much later that night.
I flopped on his bed, which was beginning to feel more likeourbed, and ran my arms over the soft duvet like I was making a snow angel. It was October, which meant Critical Games was busier than ever. Devin was preparing for a big spookyC&Cevent the Sunday before Halloween, and he’d spent much of his free time hunched over his computer prepping horror-themed one-shot campaigns. He even planned on dressing up as Nikolai, a vampire character from one of his favorite campaigns.
And I still need to get a costume,I reminded myself, and a long, deep sigh escaped me.
I tilted my head, and my gaze drifted toward Devin’s dresser. Specifically, the top drawer, where my dilators and lubricant were hiding underneath a mountain of socks and boxer briefs.
Twenty minutes later, I was naked, sore, and ready to scream in frustration. I’d managed to get the second dilator in a week ago, but the third one, which was about the same size as a guy on the smaller side, was proving to be my biggest hurdle yet. The instant I slid it in, my vagina burned as if the stupid not-a-dildo was coated in acid. No amount of lube helped. And the more frustrated I became, the more my anxiety heightened, and the more painful insertion became until I couldn’t bear it at all.
I slammed the dilator base-first down on the nightstand, and it wobbled there like the pitiful excuse for a sex toy that it was. I needed help. But Devin wasn’t here,and self-pleasure was still something I wasn’t fully comfortable with.
I reached across the duvet and grabbed my phone, which was plopped face-down on the opposite corner of the bed.
How do I even know if I’m doing this right?
I didn’t. Because I’d never had sex before.
My web searches started out innocent. I looked up techniques for inserting dilators on medical websites, but the cutaway diagrams that showed the device inserted into a vagina dug at a primal, forbidden part of my subconscious.
And a tempting, illicit question popped into my mind.
What does sex even look like?
I typed the three-letter word into my phone, and it responded with a sea of articles ranging from encyclopedia entries to mommy blogs with recommended sex positions. Some of it was what I’d expected, and other parts were mind-blowing.
I could feel the guilt and shame clawing at the back of my mind. But I ignored it. I needed to know more.
My searches intensified, my skittish self daring to type increasingly obscene search terms into my phone, until it finally happened.
I came across an actual video.
Of sex.
On a website that would’ve gotten me crucified if my parents ever knew.
The shame was strong. But my urges were stronger, consuming my entire mind in sweet flames that burned with arousal and desire.
So, I hit play.
Once the initial shock and slight disgust faded away, I was enchanted.Thiswas sex? The thing I’d been desperately seeking my entire life? It was so strange, so utterlyinsane, but it was also glorious in a way that was hard to describe. It was like taking a bite of my favorite food when I was ravenously hungry. Feeling a cool blast of air conditioning after running around in the scorching Florida heat.
It was pleasure. Relief. Peace.
“Hey Avie?”
The house had been silent up until then, except for the faint shouts of pleasure coming from my phone speakers. My whole body startled upward, my limbs spazzing as if I had no control over them. My phone flew across the bed and clattered onto the floor, face-up and with its sights and sounds on full display.
I scrambled to cover myself with the bathrobe I’d stashed next to me on the bed, but it was too late. Devin was already standing in the doorway, and I was half-naked, surrounded by dilators, and caught red-handed watching something I shouldn’t be.
He initially looked happy to see me, but his joy quickly turned to confusion when he saw the panicked look on my face. A sudden, loud gasp turned his attention to my phone, and panic tricked up my whole body like hot coals.
