Page 2 of Confessions of a Virgin on a Dating App
“Okay.”
No amount of throat-clenching helped. The tears cascaded in smooth curves down my cheeks, leaving tiny stains on Tyler’s pillow.
“Hey, hey.” He turned toward me, engulfing me in his tanned, muscular arms. Soothing shivers ran down my spine, like I’d just stepped into a warm beam of sunlight.
All my anxiety, fear, and pain melted away under the heat of his touch. Even if sex was an awkward, painful, confusing mess, I couldn’t deny how good his unclothed body felt pressed up next to mine. I curled into his embrace, our arms and legs locking together.
It will be alright. I reassured myself as my eyelids fluttered closed.After all, we love each other. This is just another challenge for us to overcome.
With my nerves settled and my breaths deep and slow, I almost forgot that I wasn’t supposed to be there. I wasn’t supposed to be in the men’s dormitory at a Christian college lying naked in bed with a man I wasn’t married to.
But at that moment, everything felt right. At least, right enough for me to relish our alone time for the next few hours.
Sex or no sex.
We tried again.
And a third time.
And a fourth.
With every attempt, Tyler had new suggestions. Enough lube to drown my entire pelvic region. Lidocaine cream that set my insides on fire and didn’t numb a thing. Every position imaginable, including some that seemed to defy the laws of gravity.
They all ended the same way. With Tyler becoming increasingly irritated, and me still being a virgin.
We decided to try one more time. It was three weeks until college graduation, and my roommate had made a trip home for the weekend, which meant that Tyler and I had my dorm room all to ourselves.
But with that arrangement came problems. Tyler’s bed was at ground level – mine was a loft with barely two feet of clearance to the ceiling. My dorm room was also much smaller, as the women’s dorms were older with awkward layouts.
But it would have to work. Tyler agreed to come over at 9 p.m. By then, the sweltering Florida sun would be well below the skyline, making it easier to sneak into the women’s dorms with a contraband box of condoms.
He’d offered to bring wine again, but I decided against it. I disliked the feeling of being drunk, and it hadn’t blocked out the pain the last four times.
Tyler was optimistic, but I was full of dread. He arrived shortly after the nighttime darkness settled in, slipping silently into my dorm room like a fugitive. From his backpack, he pulled out a large box of condoms and two bottles of lubricant.
“I brought extra supplies,” he chuckled, but it did little to ease my nerves. He sensed my fear and pulled me in for a tight hug.
I smiled, his familiar soothing warmth washing over me as I breathed in the scent of his Old Spice. That warmth caused a faint bit of hope to flicker in my chest.
It’s okay.
Everything will be okay.
You can do this.
It started as it always did – us unceremoniously stripping our clothes with plenty of kissing and cuddles. That part I loved. I could kiss Tyler all night, running my hands over the muscles that lined his back and shoulders. It brought out all the warm, lusty feelings that I knew were supposed to be there.
But then it was time, and every muscle in my body clenched. I had come to expect the pain now, and my body reacted accordingly. It was like a reflex.
We fumbled for a while, trying the same few positions that we always did. Tyler taught me some breathing exercises, and we focused on relaxing my thigh muscles, which were as rigid as steel.
“You’ve got to calm down,” he insisted. “Tensing your body will only make it worse.”
“Easier said than done,” I grumbled.
Tyler tried again. As usual, the wall was up, blocking his access. He readjusted, pushed, and readjusted some more, but it made no difference.
And if he pushed too hard, which sometimes happened, I’d be left screaming in pain with my insides on fire.
