Page 25 of Confessions of a Virgin on a Dating App
Just like a few weeks earlier, the traffic driving to Orange Blossom Coffee was ridiculous, made worse by the horde of terrible Florida drivers that got far too much use out of their brakes and horns. But I was too nervous to care. My mind was miles away, swimming in a sea of worry andanticipation. I dreaded what awaited me as I pulled into the parking lot.
I turned off my car ignition and stepped into the cool, damp evening air. I usually enjoyed going to coffee shops, but I wondered if tonight was a good night for my favorite drink. The anxiety pulsing through my veins made me feel like I’d already overdosed on caffeine.
Tristan was already inside when I arrived. He leaped up from his seat and pulled me into a hug, and my terror slowly began to dissipate.
Clearly, he still cares about me. It can’t be that bad…can it?
“You okay?” Tristan rubbed my forearms. “You’re shaking.”
“Yeah.” I forced out the word. “I’m just… nervous, that’s all.”
“Don’t worry,” he reassured me as we took a seat at a table. He already had a coffee in front of him, but it looked like he hadn’t even taken a sip. “It’s nothing bad. I did sound kind of cryptic, didn’t I?”
I nodded sheepishly.
“I just wanted to have this conversation in person, not over text. Anyway… I really like you, Avery. I want a relationship with you. So that’s why I need to ask…”
Uh oh.
Here it comes.
His voice lowered to a near-whisper. “Are you a virgin?”
I was so paralyzed with anticipation that I couldn’t respond. He must’ve seen the ghostly-pale expression on my face, because his tone immediately softened. “It’s okay if you are. It’s not a big deal. I know it can be tough to talk about.”
He sighed, his back slouching into his chair as he raked his fingers across his scalp. “I’m sorry. You look so scared.”
“No, it’s okay,” I spoke up, extending a hand across the table. Tristan clasped it in his own, gently rubbing his thumb over my knuckles. “And you’re right, I am. I should’ve just told you.”
It was true. I was a virgin. But it was only part of the truth, and that made it feel like lying. I feared that Tristan may not be receptive to the real reason why I’d been so flighty.
“You know, we can do this together,” Tristan continued, his words warm and gentle. “My aunt has a condo out by the coast. I could see if it’s available this weekend. I’ll get candles, wine, condoms…anything you need to be comfortable.”
He was so understanding, so willing to help, that it tore my terrified heart in half. To him, this would be a special, intimate night, one that ended with me successfully losing my virginity. A romantic getaway, in a cute little condo by the beach…it all sounded like a dream.
But that was all it was: a dream. I knew the reality would be Tristan struggling for hours while I alternated between crying and screaming in pain. Until he eventually got too frustrated and gave up on me. Walking away from his dysfunctional, broken partner, just like Tyler did.
I peered up at Tristan, then down to our interlocked hands. I studied the way his fingers trailed over mine, tracing the lines of my palm as if he needed to know every inch of me. It was a gentle, reassuring gesture, and I could feel his plea through his touch.
Please, do this with me. Let’s spend the night together.
I knew I couldn’t refuse. Not that Tristan was being pushy—he had been nothing but kind and understanding since I first met him. But he wanted a relationship, and with a relationship came the expectation of sex. If I wanted to be with him, I had to do this. I couldn’t hold off intimacy forever.
My choices were to say no and never see him again, or take this chance and pray that my body wouldn’t betray me. And amidst all the fear and pain, there was always a chance it would work. That I’d figure out a way to have sex.
And for Tristan, I would absolutely take that chance.
“Of course.” I smiled, swallowing down my fear. “That sounds great.”
“Awesome.” I could see the stress melt away from Tristan’s body as his shoulders loosened and he released a heavy breath. “Just remember, I care about you. You don’t have to hide these things from me. Anyway,” he said, as his usual warm, affectionate smile returned to his face. “now that that’s out of the way, let’s just sit and talk. About lighter stuff—gaming, work, friends…anything you want. I could talk to you all night.”
“I agree,” I smiled. Our conversation about sex was tucked away, at least for now. It felt like a massive weight off both our shoulders, but I knew it wouldn’t stay off mine for long. It never did.
You don’t have to hide these things from me.
My breath caught in my throat.
If only it were that easy, Tristan.
