Page 37 of Confessions of a Virgin on a Dating App
“A tortoisefolk, huh?” Jordan remarked as I handed him my character sheet.
“That’s what I said,” Devin grinned as he slid behind Jordan to grab a dice set off the shelf. He placed it on the counter, typing into his computer for the awaiting customer. “Avie said her giant Bowser is going to kick everyone’s asses.”
I scoffed at him calling me Avie again.
“Bowser? Well, my characterdoesneed a name. But it’s too bad I don’t have spikes on my shell.”
“Call him Koopa instead,” Devin suggested, his eyes lit up by his fluorescent computer screen. “They don’t have the shell spikes.”
I shook my head, pencilingKoopainto theCharacter Nameline. I knew Devin would continue to tease me about the name later.
I stared at my character sheet as I strolled over to one of the tables. Cassidy and Aaron’s group was already full, which meant I’d be on my own for the first round. Not that they would be much help. I was actually relieved that we wouldn’t be pitted against each other.
Although, murdering Aaron’s stupid barbarian would be pretty fun…
Everyone was picking miniatures off the shelf. To my surprise, there was a tortoisefolk character available, with a sword in one hand and a turtle-shell shield in the other.
“That’s one of my favorites,” Devin remarked. I cringed as he once again snuck up behind me and leaned in way too close. “I just painted him last week. Anyway…” He raised his voice. “Everyone ready?”
“Yeah!” A collective shout rang across the room.
“I’mputting sixty minutes on the clock. Ready, set… begin round one!”
We rolled initiative - eight dice bumpily lurched across the table. My character didn’t have high dexterity, so I ended up right in the middle of the turn order. I spent the first twenty minutes of the match utilizing my preferred strategy: setting up a variety of defenses while letting the more aggressive players pick each other off. It worked for a while; a wizard ended up backed into the corner and defeated by a pair of bloodthirsty fighters, while a barbarian got cocky and took on two opponents at once, eventually getting knocked down by a critical hit lightning bolt.
At the thirty-minute mark, six of us remained. My strategy was quickly running thin. As the number of contenders lessened, so did my ability tonotdraw attention. One of the fighters eventually realized I hadn’t taken any damage and decided to charge my tortoise head-on.
I was prepared for this. Two turns ago, I’d castguardian fighters, which allowed me to summon spirits to attack any players that came within 15 feet of me. The fighter, who was controlled by Chris, realized this too late, and I took a mere 9 damage while he took 18.
“Shit,” he grumbled under his breath. I bit my lip to hide my smirk.
The spell also halved his speed, which allowed me to pummel him with attacks for the next two turns. Everyone else’s health was already halved, which meant they didn’t want to risk charging into my forcefield of doom.
But even if I did take damage, I had a huge advantage over the other players. Still in the fight were two fighters, a paladin, a wizard, and a druid. Out of all of us, I had the most healing abilities. With enough time and distance from the others, I could regenerate my lost hit points.
We reached the forty-five-minute mark. The paladin managed to break my tortoisefolk’s concentration, causing my spell to dissipate and leaving me vulnerable to attack. But my character’s naturally high armor caused a few hits to miss, leaving me with the most hit points of the four people left at the table.
“How’s it going over here?” Devin whirled around the table, surveying the miniatures on the detailed terrain map. For once, I was glad he was hovering over me. I wanted him to see that I was winning.
“We’ve gotta take out the damn turtle,” one of my opponents grumbled in response. I gulped, realizing that I was in trouble. Like in any multiplayer game, being in the lead also meant being a bigger target.
Devin nodded, wishing us all good luck before venturing off to the other tables. But as he left, I saw him tilt his chin back and wink at me. It sent a warm, burning flutter through my chest, but I was too deeply focused on our game to give the feeling much notice.
Three turns later, I was struggling. The wizard had been knocked out, meaning it was only me, the paladin, and the druid. I had now fallen below half of my original hit points, but I was still in the lead. The paladin was nearly dead, relying on his high armor class to deflect hits, while the druid desperately nature-shaped one last time to utilize her animal form’s hit points.
I decided to take a risk and use a turn to heal myself instead of attacking. I got lucky; the druid’s bear form missed with its claw attack, doing a mere 6 damage with its bite attack. On the next turn, I hit the druid hard enough to knock her out of her bear form and back into a wood elf. I could see the terror on Tracey’s face as this happened. She was out of nature-shapes and had very few close-range attacks. She was trapped, and I had her knocked out within the next two turns.
It was just me and the paladin. There were five minutes left, and we were one of only two tables left playing. This meant that we had a swarm of onlookers, including Cassidy and Aaron, who stood directly behind me and cheered me on. Across the table, Devin gazed at our battlefield with intense focus, his piercings glinting in the light as he chewed on his bottom lip.
Across the table, Andy glowered at me with fire in his eyes. He was a tall, heavyset guy, one with a patchy brown beard and large black gauges in his ears. I wasn’t a big fan of him, and at the moment, the feeling was mutual.
His initiative roll had been low, which meant I went before him. My eyes flicked wildly across my character sheet. One more hit would kill him. I had to make it land.
My eyes lit up when I noticedGuiding Hitscrawled across my notes box in my scratchy handwriting.
When you attack, you can gain a +10 bonus to the roll.
Piece of cake.
