Page 44 of Confessions of a Virgin on a Dating App
Wait.
What the fuck am I doing?
This wouldn’t work. It would never work. Because in my stupid infatuated haze, I’d forgotten why I’d been dumped so many times in the first place.
I had no reason to believe that Devin and I would end any other way.
I practically shoved him away from me, stumbling off the table and trying to ignore the fact that all the blood flow in my body had pooled in my pelvis. My breath came in shallow, rapid gulps as my mind attempted to process what had just happened.
You idiot.
You absolute idiot.
“Avie, are you okay?” Devin asked, taking a moment to catch his breath. He looked confused.
“I… I—”
I was speechless. I couldn’t tell him the truth. Tristan’s rejection was bad enough. Devin’s rejection would break me.
That left me with only one option.
I had to rejecthiminstead.
“I…I have to go.”
Devin’s arms fell to his sides as his whole body drained of color. I could see the shattered expression on his face, the way it made his eyes glisten with fear.
“W-what do you mean?”
“I can’t do this.”
Devin took a step forward, and I took a step back.
“Avie, wait, please.” His voice was strained with panic. “I’m sorry. I know this is going really fast, and you just broke up with the online dating guy. We can slow down. We can take all the time you need. Just please…” He extended a hand toward me. My eyes trailed up his arm, studying his tattoos and scars, the ones I’d been caressing just moments earlier.
“I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“But why not?” Devin stepped closer. His movements were slow and hesitant, as if he were trying to coax a spooked cat. As if he were afraid I’d bolt any second. “Avie, the truth is, I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. Talking to you tonight…I told you things I never tell anyone, and you said things to me that I’ve needed to hear for years. Like how I was one of the most incredible people you’ve ever met. What did you mean by that?”
“I… I…”
There was no stopping it. Silent tears fell like rain down my cheeks.
“Do you have feelings for me too?”
I couldn’t lie to him. “Yes.”
“Then what’s wrong? Please, just tell me. I promise we’ll work through it together.”
I desperately wanted to believe him. I wanted to run back into his arms, tell him how sorry I was, and continue losing myself in his embrace. I wanted to tell him that every word I said was true, and that he was an incredible human being who I couldn’t be without. He’d confessed so many secrets, so much pain, and here I was making it all worse.
I wasn’t just broken. I was a monster.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go.”
“Avie, no, wait—”
“Don’t call me Avie,” I snapped. Saying those words felt like ripping my own heart in half, and it made Devin recoil away from me. I had never seen him—or anyone else—look so defeated. So heartbroken.
