Page 73 of Confessions of a Virgin on a Dating App
“You told him, didn’t you?” I asked, which caused Cassidy to jolt and come to a gut-lurching stop at a red light.
Cassidy smirked. “I’m just as obvious about it as you were, aren’t I?”
“Yes. And now I’m realizing what a dopey, lovesick person I was. But it’s wonderful. I’m happy for you two.”
“He had concerns, obviously,” Cassidy continued. “But he said he cared for me way too much to let something like this get in the way.”
“That’s exactly what Dev said to me.”
“It made me think; to us, these conditions are terrifying,” Cassidy pondered. “Growing up, I was taught that all boys wanted was sex. As if that was all women were good for.”
I nodded in agreement, knowing that mindset all too well.
“Now that I’m older, I know that’s not the case,” she continued. “But it still lingers in the back of my mind. The idea that menneedsex. But the way Aaron played it off like it wasn’t a big deal…it made me realize how much more there is to relationships. And that sexuality can look and feel different for people who aren’t ‘normal.’”
Cassidy’s last sentence clung to my mind. Since it would take time for me to heal and recover after the surgery, maybe Devin and I could find other ways to keep each other satisfied. But as a woman with little experience with intimacy, I had no idea what that would look like. Or where to start.
The thought lingered all weekend, even as Cassidy and I ran through our Saturday routine of chores and grocery shopping. I spent the evening alternating between playing video games and texting Devin. Although with aWargaveltournament going on, it took him a long time for him to respond.
I fell asleep before he made it home, but I woke up the next morning to a beautiful message he’d sent well after midnight, just as he was crawling into his own bed.
Hey, I know you’re probably already asleep, but I justwanted to say goodnight. And tell you that this bed feels very empty without you. I know you’re not ready for intimacy, but I would still love to cuddle you all night.
I buried my face in my pillow as my cheeks burned. A month ago, I had no idea Devin could be so sappy. I didn’t even know he was capable of it.
But it was already 9 a.m., which meant I only had to wait a few more hours to see him atCreatures & Crypts. I played video games until it was time to hop in the shower and get ready. And just like last time, I spent almost an hour fussing with my curls and debating which dress to wear.
I decided on a navy blue one, and I smoothed its soft cotton skirt over my knees as I drove myself and Cassidy to Critical Games. I usually dressed in jeans and some sort of geeky t-shirt when I went to events at the shop, but lately, I had been wearing more cute, flowy dresses.
And not just because I wanted to look nice for Devin. My stomach had been killing me lately. I’d always had digestive issues, which doctors always dismissed as IBS and told me to cut out inflammatory foods. But no matter what sort of diet I tried, my normally flat abdomen was spending more and more time swollen like a balloon. It made wearing tight jeans difficult, and I hated how form-fitting t-shirts made me look like I was well into my second trimester. I’d lost count of the times I had to reassure myself that I wasn’t getting fat.
But now I knew why. Endometriosis affected more than just my reproductive system—the tissue wreaked havoc on whatever abdominal organ it decided to attach to. And in many cases, the doctor had told me, that organ would be the stomach or intestines. I wasn’t gaining weight; my belly was just swollen from inflammation.
Which means the issue was never my digestive system in the first place, I grumbled, remembering how my stomach pains had nearly cost me the first job I had when I moved to Orlando.
Dwelling on my health issues made thoughts of my impending surgery creep into my mind. A small bubble of anxiety formed in my stomach, one that not even the sight of my sweet boyfriend behind the counter could dissolve. It stayed there for the next few hours as we playedCreatures & Crypts. I went through the motions, making ability check rolls and engaging in combat, but my mind was too busy quivering with “what-ifs” for me to enjoy myself.
I knew that surgery shouldn’t be a big deal, especially one that was minimally invasive. But I’d never had surgery before, and it was the fear of the unknown that kept me up at night. It was like when I first went to Universal Studios with Cassidy when I was twenty-three. I’d never been on a rollercoaster before, and the anxiety of waiting in the 45-minute line nearly turned my stomach inside out. But in the end, the ride was far less scary than I’d imagined. I even ended up loving rollercoasters and went on two others with Cassidy that day.
This feeling was similar, but instead of 45 minutes of impending dread, it was an entire week. And even if the surgery was easy, I doubted I’d be a fan of the whole procedure. In the end, rollercoasters were meant to be fun. Surgery was not.
Since I spent my days working from home and my evenings playing video games, I managed to keep my anxiety to myself. But by the time Thursday rolled around and Devin wanted to get dinner, I was starting to unravel. As much as I loved our date nights, my throat was too tight from anxiety for me to hold much conversation.
And Devin noticed right away.
“Alright, Avie, what’s wrong?” he asked the moment we sat down at our table. We were at a Mexican restaurant, one that Devin had recommended. It was bright and colorful, full of music and activity. On any other night, I would’ve loved it. But at that moment, it was all too much. I just wanted to slip away to my quiet bedroom and pull my comforter over my head.
I opened my mouth to speak, but a sudden surge of emotion wrapped my neck in a chokehold. I couldn’t utter a word for fear of bursting into tears.
God, I’m a mess.
“It is the surgery? That’s on Monday, so…four days away?”
Relief allowed my windpipe to loosen. I didn’t need to tell Devin what was wrong. We’d only been dating for two weeks, but after five years of knowing each other, he could read me as well as Cassidy could.
I nodded, still unable to choke out my words.
Devin reached across the table, cupping my hands in his. I studied his fingers; he wore different rings every time I saw him, but I’d grown used to their familiar metallic chill against my skin.
