Page 88 of Confessions of a Virgin on a Dating App
Devin was silent for a moment before bursting into laughter and running a hand over his face. “No, I wasn’t quite brave enough for that.”
I peeked below the blankets, my gaze trailing down Devin’s chest and bare hips. I wondered what it would feel like if he had been pierced. Part of me was intrigued, and part of me feared it would make the tension in my vagina even worse.
As much as I’d enjoyed the night before, another pang of guilt slammed into me like waves crashing against the shoreline. No matter how wonderful it was, it still wasn’t sex. And I knew Devin wasn’t a virgin, and that in the past other women had been able to give him what I could not.
What kind of partner did that make me?
“Hey,” Devin rubbed my cheek with his thumb. “Something wrong? You look upset all of the sudden.”
I shook my head.
“Did you enjoy last night?”
I nodded. “Yes. Of course I did. It’s just…I’m sorry.”
Devin scoffed, a wry smile on his face. “I spent the night with a beautiful, naked woman in my bed, one who gave me a fantastic blowjob in the shower. What could you possibly have to be sorry for?”
“Just…the fact that it wasn’t sex. That’s all.”
“Avie…” Devin scolded in a gentle tone. “I think you’re too hung up on this. We’ll get there. Sex really isn’t a big deal.”
“But…” My voice trailed off. Telling him I was upset that I couldn’t please him the way other women could was only going to make me sound petty and insecure.
“Let me tell you something,” Devin continued, scooting himself closer to me. “Yes, I’ve had sex before. Many times. And you know what? Most of the time, I didn’t really enjoy it. Because as I got older, I realized that sex wasn’t actually what I wanted. I wanted intimacy, and it took me a long time to realize that those two things aren’t always the same.”
My gaze fell to the bedsheets, and Devin cupped a hand around my cheek.
“This was, hands-down, the best night I’ve ever had with any woman. So stop worrying so much about sex. Please?”
“Okay,” I replied in a reluctant tone. I wanted to believe him, but I knew my inadequacies and self-doubt would always lurk in the back of my mind.
Devin responded by wrapping his arm around me and pulling me toward his chest. As much as I loved his embrace, the tight, tense way he gripped me indicated that something heavy was on his mind.
“Listen, Avie…” His voice was soft with melancholy. “Just to give you some perspective on how insignificant this is. That night when you left…”
I cringed, embarrassment burning through my veins like acid. I hated thinking about that night.
“At first, I thought it was because of me. That my past drug addiction was too much for you.”
“What? No, Dev, I would never—”
“I would’ve understood,” he continued. His face was tense, like it was the night he first told me about his scars. “But it still killed me. So when I learned the real reason why you left, I wasn’t upset at all. In fact, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was relieved that the issue was something that, to me, is no big deal.”
“I don’t care about your past,” I blurted out forcefully, adamant to calm the emotion I could see welling up behind those sea-green eyes. “That was nine years ago, Dev. You’ve been clean for a long time. Honestly, I’m amazed at how far you’ve come.”
I pressed a hand against his cheek, and he took it in his and kissed the top of my knuckles.
“I meant it when I said you were incredible,” I whispered.
Devin was silent for a moment, his expression stiff and contemplative as he ran his thumb over my fingers.
Something new was on his mind. And I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.
“Can I say something?” he finally asked. I could hear the warble of uncertainty in his voice.
“Of course. Anything.”
“It’s going to sound insane. But I think you need to hear it. So you know how serious I am about you.”
