Page 48 of Ruin Me Knot
“I’m so sorry, Jax." And I am. I’m sorry to imagine a child version of Jax alone and vulnerable. My nightmare began when I turned sixteen, but at least before that, my home life was filled with love, smiles and happiness.
He shrugs as though my heart isn’t breaking for him and his grip tightens around my ankle before he lifts his gaze and I fall into his deep, dark eyes. "You have a beautiful soft heart, Leah. Thank you." He doesn’t have to thank my basiccompassion, and I start to tell him so, but he goes on, and I want to hear what he has to say. "Sometimes, I thought I just wasn’t meant to belong anywhere."
He’s letting me see the sore places, I realize. Places this powerful Alpha would keep from everyone else except the people in this room. Which now includes me.
A hint of a smile crosses his lips. "Makes choosing your own people mean more than blood, Leah. Makes what you shared about home matter that much more because you’re telling people who give a shit about you."
I blink away the heat behind my eyes, still a little sore from my earlier bout of crying.
Jax captures my chin with his knuckle. "Don’t cry for me. My brothers helped me heal years ago. They’re the family I never thought I’d have and I’m not telling you about my past to make you cry. I want you to know everything about me. I’m telling you this, because this is why I trust us all to help you. It’s okay to fall. I fell big, hard and ugly, but Ronan and Gabriel caught me and filled the empty spaces with something better. We’ll be your soft place to land. Always."
Musky sweetness envelopes me, bright and clear. Truth after truth after truth, loosening my own. The truth I’ve never been allowed to voice. "It hurts," I whisper.
Jax’s hand lingers under my chin, eyes both soft and fierce. He doesn’t look away, doesn’t try to shush the ache or pretend my words are smaller than they are. Something inside me shifts. Not gone or undone. Just lighter.
His thumb traces my bottom lip as his lips tilt. "I know it does. Hurting proves you survived. Doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love again. It means we’re the ones who get to fill your life with so much light, that you’ll have more good memories to hold on to. We’ll make so many of them, Leah, that the darkness won’t win.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Leah
Imust have dozed off again, pulled under by overwhelming fatigue. When I surface again, it’s dark outside. A lamp casts dim light throughout the living room and my cheek is pressed to a different heartbeat. Jax cradles me in his lap as solid and as sure as Ronan had, only I’m sitting sideways on his thick thighs. My head rests against his shoulder, my nose against his gland. His hands rest loose on my thigh and hip, anchoring me in the nest of blankets that smells of golden spice with an undercurrent of fresh, untamedgreenery.
I can’t remember moving into his arms. They must have shifted me while I slept. I never sleep that deeply. I don’t know if I should be assured that they’ve allowed me to sleep or uncertain because I’ve lost my most basic survival instinct.
Jax quietly watches me, every inch of him relaxed, but there’s nothing lazy about the attention in his eyes. He’s no less intense than Ronan. If anything, his steady gaze is alive with focus and warmth. He’s devastating, all quiet power and patience, and the smile he gives me is pure sunshine and promise.
For one breathless moment I let myself sink in deep before survival instinct kicks in. I sit up straight, pulling away from his comfort, trying hard not to give into the urge to burrow back against him.
I rub my eyes, blinking to wake up properly. "I can’t believe I fell asleep again."
Jax squeezes my thigh. "It’s good, Sunshine. Sleeping means your body knows you’re safe enough to heal. It means you trust us, even just a little."
His words flicker through me, settling the flutter in my chest. Could that be true? That I’m letting my guard down because I really trust them to keep me safe?
A clatter rings out from the kitchen. I look past Jax to see Gabriel at the stove, sleeves pushed back, wooden spoon in hand. He stirs a pot, humming something light and off-key. He glances over his shoulder as though he senses me watching, and a smile lights up his face when he sees me. "You hungry, Sweetheart? I hope you like lasagna. It’ll be ready soon. I’ve cooked enough for eight, knowing how much those two can put away."
My stomach growls. I flush, feeling how empty I am again, like I could eat three more breakfasts without slowing down. It’s strange how quickly hunger returns now that I know food is available regularly. Each bite I’ve had has flicked on an internal switch.
I hope that all this warmth, comfort and praise isn’t just a pause in my miserable life. That as easily as they’ve given things to me, it will all vanish. That it will soften me too much and the ensuing crash will do what Hardwick or Wallace never managed.
Jax’s arms gather me, and his cheek brushes warm against mine. "Whatever you’re thinking, let it go. Whatever you fear is not going to happen."
"How did you?" I gape at him.
"I scent your doubt, Sunshine. Any more of that and we’ll have to up the ante, and I don’t want to scare you off with our good intentions."
They’ve already given me too much. I’m dressed in the sweats Ronan bought for me that feel like a cloud on my sensitive skin. They’ve fed me. Given me nesting materials I can use without going into a meltdown. What else could they possibly do?
Jax’s grin is sin. "Whatever you’re thinking now, stop that too. It’s wrong."
I frown at him. Surely he can’t read my mind? I try to slip in a subtle breath, searching for something in my own perfume. A trace of panic, or the doubt he claims he can detect. All I catch is the mouthwatering aroma of lasagna drifting from the kitchen and the lingering warmth of being so close to Jax. If there’s anything suspicious in the air, I can’t find it. Not the way Jax seems to.
He cocks his head, a smile tugging at his full lips as he sees through walls that are crumbling faster than I can rebuild. I can’t focus. Not when I’m cracked open and hungry for more of him. I scramble to my feet and swipe my hair off my face. "I…need the bathroom."
I bolt as fast as I can on unsteady legs. Jax’s chuckle follows me, sending the best kind of shivers along my skin. "Call out if you need our help. We’ll be here waiting for you."
I shut the door behind me and sag against the bathroom counter, breath slipping out in a weak, uneven rush. I grip the edge of the sink, steadying myself, trying to remember how to stand on my own feet when safety tastes so sweet and fleeting. It shouldn’t be so hard to hope. It shouldn’t feel like such a risk to believe.
