Page 68 of Ruin Me Knot
Every time.
No matter how much I wished I wouldn’t.
The words tumble out. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry." My skin crawls with the knowledge of what’s going to come. I should have known better than to expect anything else. "What will you do? What is my punishment?"
I expect fists, not soft palms gliding over my body, someone thumbing the inside of my wrist, the brush of warm skin at my temple, another hand slow and steady at my lower back. Their touch is everywhere. The nest pools with the warmth of their bodies. Ronan’s pine, Gabriel’s bright citrus, Jax’s smoked gourmand close in, thick and grounding, dragging me back into my shivering body.
Gabriel lies next to me, his face crumpled. His smile is sad, gentle, gratitude and concern stitched across every line of his face when I’m able to focus. He exhales hard. "There you are."
Ronan glides a soft touch along my spine. I swallow the hard lump and turn my head from where it rests on Jax’s broad chest to look at him. His brows are knotted, a deep line between them. "Why would we punish you?"
I can’t stop the cold chill racing up my spine. Can’t stop the dread sinking through my stomach. "Because I..." I lick dry lips. "I…"
Trap. Everything is a trap.
The heat of Ronan’s thigh imprints mine when he shifts. He threads his fingers through my hair. "You haven’t done anything wrong, Omega." His voice is so low it’s a growl, but there’s also a grave tenderness beneath it. "There’s nothing you need to make up for. No one you must answer to. We talked about your request to go outside. It may have seemed small, but we were mistaken to refuse. We made a mistake. We knew how much it meant to you and still said no. Can you forgive us?"
Theymade a mistake? Can I forgivethem?
The words fall through me without finding purchase. I want to trust what he’s saying. Gods, I want to, but my mind can't bridge the gap between wanting something and believing it's possible. My muscles twitch, torn between wanting to flee and wanting to burrow deeper against Jax’s chest.
Jax tips my chin, his thumb tracing the edges of my jaw. "Sunshine, we’re so fucking sorry. Scent us. Remember, trust your instincts." There’s no command in his voice, just soft invitation. "Breathe us in. Tell me if you smell anger. Tell me if there’s anything here but us wanting you safe and happy."
My nose bumps along his clavicle before I even mean to move. Tender sweetness and warmth, salt and skin, the faintest brush of shampoo. Clean. Pure. No sharpness. No rot. No flaring note of rage that always wafted from any of the Alphas sent to punish me. Yet still, I have to check. "This is…not a trap?"
Gabriel slides his palm up my arm, as bright and alive citrus break around me. "We will never trap you. We only want to see you shine, Sweetheart."
They keep purring, the vibration a lull beneath my skin, echoing through the nest. There’s no anger threaded in their touches, no threat anywhere in the press of their bodies, and yet I still can’t unknot my gut. I look from one face to another, searching for the first crack, the first edge. "Why aren’t you angry? Why aren’t you…"
Ronan brushes his lips across my brow. "Messes can be cleaned. Food can be replaced. You can’t."
Jax keeps stroking my hair, his touch a slow tide. "We aren’t angry at you, Sunshine. We’re angry at what was done to you. At what you were made to believe. It was much more than anyone should endure. We don’t fault your mind for just trying to survive."
I’m trying to survive? Is this what survival is? Because it’sterrible. Adrenaline seeps from my limbs and panic ebbs, leaving behind an aching hollowness. I can breathe again, but at the same time my mind clears perhaps too much. What Hardwick and Mercer and every single one of those Alphas did to me was abuse, but that doesn’t change the way my mind snaps and I whip from one reaction to the other. "Why am I like this?"
Silence gathers for a beat, before Ronan speaks. "Knowing and healing are two different things. Your body was taught to survive, Kitten. Your nerves fire off alarms before you have a chance to talk yourself down. That’s not your fault. It’s biology, pain and being hurt so fucking deeply it becomes a part of you."
"You’re not ruining anything, Sunshine. You survived a place that twisted your instincts around until safety and comfort felt dangerous, and dangerous became your normal. It takes time for your body to catch up with what you logically understand. Sometimes it never does. Not all the way, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken. Your reactions are normal, something any sane person would experience," Jax says.
Gabriel’s smile is sad and a part of my heart pangs to see its brightness dimmed. " Your brain is protecting you the only way it knows how. It can't distinguish between past and present threats, so it responds to both the same way. You don’thave to explain or justify it. Trauma isn’t rational. Your reaction isn’t out of proportion; it’s exactly what you needed to survive when you were alone."
Ronan brushes my temple, his big palm keeping me steady. "Fear is a deep groove and healing has to be worn in, even if it feels like hell."
That’s a good way to put it. It is a special type of hell that sweeps me up and away without my consent. "Have you saved other Omegas…like me?" I want to understand if there’s a time limit for reacting like this. I don’t want to be this way for the rest of my life. I want to know there’s hope. That my scars won’t shadow everything I think or do. That Hardwick or Wallace won’t have a hold over me forever. "How…how long?"
When I was locked up, I imagined how good it would be to be free. That when the day came, I’d run and run and never look back. That I’d make a new life for myself. I’d have a little house I could decorate on my own. My own bed no one could take from me. Meals I’d cook for myself. A job I could go to every day. I’d have friends. Eat pizza and go out on a Saturday night. I thought I’d be sonormal. And now I’m so far from normal, it isn’t funny. I’m lost and spiraling and my mind is playing tricks on me and twisting everything around and—
"Eyes back on mine, Omega." My attention snaps back to Jax to see creases appear between his brows and his lips compress. The air shifts to a smokier spice. He reaches for my hand, envelops it in both of his, warm and steady. His thumb runs slow circles against my knuckles, grounding me to the present. "Feel my thumb on your hand. Feel how warm I am beneath you. Breathe in and take in our scents. A deep inhale. A slow exhale. Taste each of us. Look into my face. Hold my gaze. Nothing else matters but being here and now."
I do all those things, but my chest is tight and I can’t fill my lungs. I can’t even do this simple thing Alpha asks of me. I fight the darkness creeping in at the edges of my vision. I fight it as hard as I can, but I can’t stop it.
Bad Omega.
Ruined—
"Beautiful, strong, perfect Omega." Fingers scrape my scalp, threading through my hair. "You're doing a good job. Just follow me. Breathe in and out when I do."Jax’s massive chest rises as he inhales. I do the same, releasing when he lets out his breath. I follow the pace he sets, losing myself in the task, and then the darkness recedes, my heart rate lowers, and I can think again. My Alphas come back into focus around me, then my nest, and sunlight streaming through the blinds.
"Feel better?" Jax asks.
