Page 72 of Ruin Me Knot
"Close your eyes, and think back, Leah. Anything you remember that stands out, even if you think it’s too little, could be just what we need," Gabriel says.
I shut my eyes, closing off the beautiful garden, and force my mind back to the place of nightmares. Images flash though my mind. The gray cinderblocks I stared at for days, weeks, months. The dull cinder block, the filthy mattress on the floor. The air tastes stale, metallic, coiled with the phantom tang of terror. The image of that cell claws through me and a dead weight settles over my chest, cold and suffocating.
I claw at the edge of the table, grasping for something real, something now. The garden, the sun, the cold metal of the chair all blur. Panic squeezes tight around my ribs and the world begins to tilt, my breath razored and shallow.
Jax’s arm sweeps around my shoulders and my eyes snap open. "Breathe, Sunshine. I’m right here. We all are." I tip into the curve of his body, and he tucks me in, anchoring me so I don’t fall away.
Ronan slides out of his seat, face carved tight with worry and intent. He comes to me and lifts me into his lap, settling me on his thick thighs as his arms close around me. His fingers brush up my spine, rubbing away the sudden chill. I burrow against him, and let his scent ground me.
His brushes his lips to the shell of my ear. "You’re doing so fucking well, Kitten. Step back and just observe, don’t relive. You’re not there anymore. You’re safe. The past can’t touch you here. Just tell us what you see and hear. You’re in control now, Leah." He strokes up and down my back, each pass slow and steady, grounding me.
I bring myself back into the moment. Into Ronan’s arms caging me and the vibration of his voice rumbling through my bones. I let the memories filter back in.
"Are you there?" Ronan asks and I nod.
"Tell us what you see. You’re not there again. You’re only an observer."
I imagine standing in a corner of the room, looking down on the pitiful form of a body twisted over itself, shaking in the corner and stinking like fear. I force my attention off her, to the surroundings. "Cinder block walls. Gray. The cold there drills through bones. There’s a mattress in the corner, brown stains on it. A blanket. Thin. Scratchy." My voice breaks and his arms get tighter, gentle but unyielding.
"Good Omega," he whispers. "You’re doing so well, Leah. Let it all flow over you. You’re not there. Not anymore. You’re never going back. This is all in the past. It can never hurt you again. Now, can you tell us what you hear?"
I swallow, picking through the sounds in my memory, sifting horror from noise. "Muffled voices. Male. Guards. Sometimes they’d stop at my door and talktoo quiet to hear. Sometimes there were screams. Sometimes laughter. Cruel. Begging." Panic needles in, crawling under my skin, and my body starts to shudder. Ronan’s hand rises, warm on the back of my neck, thumb tracing slow circles.
"Come back to me," he says, his voice a lifeline. "Feel my hand on you. Smell the air. You’re here with us. Not there."
I drag in a shaky breath, the scent of green and coffee and sunlight dragging me out of the dark. I rest my forehead against his jaw, breathing him in until my heart begins to steady.
"So good. Just feel my palm on your back. Concentrate on the warmth and the pressure. Up and down. Up and down," he says, stroking his hand up and down my spine until my shaking quiets. "That’s good, controlling your reaction like this. Can you tell me what scents there were?"
"The guards. Their chemical stench." I taste the burn on my tongue. My throat tightens as I filter the aromas I remember. "Omegas. Their scent was everywhere, all mixed up together. A lot of times it was sour, bitter. Sometimes, though…sometimes it was sweet. Like butter and sugar. I’d think I could taste it, if I tried hard enough. But it never lasted. That scent would go away, and then later, all of them would. I’d never smell them again."
Ronan kisses my temple soft as breath, and I know he understands what it means when those scents never came back. In truth, I don’t understand how I survived so long. Neither did Hardwick or Wallace. I was their biggest conundrum. Perhaps that’s why they forced so much on me. They battled my body as much as I did.
My chest aches with it, but I’m still here, in his lap, with Jax’s warmth pressed to my side and Gabriel holding my trembling hand across the table. The ache is survivable in the circle of my Alphas.
Ronan’s palm never stops. He’s giving me the anchor and the strength I need. "Did they ever move you, Kitten? Were you ever taken somewhere else?"
I close my eyes, trying to remember through the haze that always followed the procedures. The sick dizziness and blank spaces. "I…I don’t know. Sometimes when I came back, it was different. Like the mattress was on the other wall, or the door was on the left instead of the right, or the air smelled different. But I was so out of it I couldn’t be sure. Most of the time, I was just...not awake enough to notice. It’s all just pieces." A blessing most days.
His arms tighten, holding me against the shaking in my body and the uncertainty in my voice. "I’m sorry. I don’t know anything more than that. I don’t think I was much help."
"Don’t you dare apologize. You did so good, Leah. That was so brave," Jax says.
Exhaustion weaves through my limbs and I let myself sag against Ronan’s chest. The heavy ache that usually keeps me vigilant is distant, my eyes closing, letting my last waking sensation be the circle of his arms and the steady thrum of his scent. Somewhere between breath and heartbeat, I drift, weightless, half asleep.
I startle awake at the gentle shift as Ronan gathers me up. I blink, confused for half a second, but his mouth curves in that soft smile reserved just for me. "You nodded off, Kitten. Let’s get you back to your nest so you can rest properly."
I blink again, mind fuzzy with fatigue. "But I didn’t get to explore the garden."
"We can come back out here later today if you want, Leah. Any time. This garden isn’t going anywhere. We’re happy to come back here whenever you want," Gabriel says.
Heat flushes through me, filled with longing and hope. "I’d like that." My arms tighten around Ronan’s neck. "But…could I bring some of the garden back with me? Some flowers? For the nest?"
"Of course you can." Ronan sets me on my feet, then gives me a small knife they use to cut cheese. "Use this and be careful with the stems, okay? Don’t cut yourself."
"Okay." On impulse, I rise to my tiptoes and kiss his cheek. The look he gives me, like that single touch is sunlight and salvation, makes my heart twist in my chest, light and dizzy and impossiblyfree.
The ache isn’t gone, not really, but for the first time in forever, I’m untethered.Joyful. I pace along the bushes that line the garden, hunting color, shape, scent.Each bloom is a possibility. I want to bring back the brightest, the sweetest, the most alive bouquet. Something for each of them. My Alphas are just a little way off, their voices winding together as they pack up our things.
