Page 168 of Eldritch
He stumbled backward. Blood drained from his face as it slackened with disbelief, as if I’d stabbed him. He dropped the dagger to the floor with a clang.
“Zevander, wait.” I reached out for him, but he backed himself farther away, avoiding my grasp.
His face tightened, his expression shattered, torn apart by shock and something that chilled my blood. A look more frightening than the rage I’d seen moments before. I glanced down at the blade lying on the floor between us, and the moment he fell to his knees, I swiped it up before he could reach it.
Instead of fighting me for it, he gripped either side of his skull and let out a sound of agony, so raw and painful, it brought tears to my eyes again. Every muscle in his body shook, breaths ragged, as he doubled over.
Fists hammering against the door razed the silence between us and snapped me to attention. “Maeve! Are you alright in there?” Aleysia called out. “I heard glass break.”
“Rest assured, I’d already be dead by the time you crawled out of bed to investigate, but I’m fine!” Though there wasn’t ashred of humor pulsing through me, I’d kept the response light for her sake. When no other response arrived, I turned back to Zevander, who hadn’t moved from where he remained curled into himself.
I carefully knelt before him, uncertain whether, or not, he’d slipped back into his head. When he didn’t lurch toward me, I reached out a hand as cautiously as if I were approaching a wounded animal. The second my fingertips met his shoulder, he jerked away from me again and scrambled backward.
“Don’t do this.”
His gaze finally met mine, and I didn’t have to crawl beneath his skin to feel the ruin and shame that was swallowing him. Clawing at him with merciless hatred. “I almostkilledyou.” His voice held a dangerous tremor, a slowly unwinding restraint. “I almost dragged a fucking blade across your throat and ended yourlife,” he growled. The anger in his eyes shifted back to pain, as if those visuals had sprung to life behind his eyes. “What I saw?—”
“Wasn’t real. Your mind was lost to something else.”
“Yes. My mind was lost, and I almost destroyed you because of it.”
“Whatever you were a moment ago, is not who you are in this moment. Right now.”
“It is who I am!” he snapped, raking his hand over his head. “You are gettinggenerousglimpses of what lives inside of me. What I have dedicated my existence to never setting free. Years, I’ve had to learn to rein this in, and I’m losing control of it!”
“And in spite of what I’ve seen, I still love you.”
“If you knew what writhesinsideof me. In my head.” He thumped the heel of his hand against his temple.
“I wouldstilllove you.”
“Don’t. Don’t say that again.”
“I love you, Zevander. What you’ve done, what you’ve suffered. It doesn’t change how I feel. None of this changes how I feel about you. That’s the beauty of unconditional love. It requires nothing in return.” I reached out to bridge the space between us and ground him, but he backed away, like a single touch would turn him to stone.
“You deserve more.”
“And you don’t?”
His averted gaze and refusal to answer said it all—a silent confession of his own unworthiness.
“Your fits are temporary. Once we find those stones, you’ll be okay.”
“It isn’t just the vivicantem. That was the catalyst. This? This is years of darkness, steeped in unspeakable cruelty, bubbling to the surface like long-drowned corpses. I have smothered these skeletons under various guises. Brother. Assassin to the king. Cursed demon. But inside of me, they fester and rot. And they are violent, desperate to ruin something beautiful.”
“I’ve grown quite used to seeing corpses, and yours don’t frighten me. I still choose you.”
“I give younothingin return. Nothing but pain and the threat of death. I am suffering in the flesh.”
“And I am no stranger to pain, nor the threat of death. What you give me is so much more than that. I love you. And I don’t need you to feel the same.”
“Saying those words is a lie while I hold a blade to your throat. How easily I could’ve cut you just now. Sliced you open and watched you bleed out.”
“But you didn’t.”
“But I could have! And what then? How could I live after that? I wouldn’t.” He raked his hands through his hair and slammed the heel of his palm against his temple. “I have stood on the brink of death more times than I can count, have enduredall levels of pain, butnothingwould bring me more suffering than losing you.” Lips downturned, he shook his head. “I am not your protector. I am your enemy. A danger.”
“You are my first and only love.”
