Page 103 of Stay this Christmas
His words hit a perfect bullseye on my heart. I knew it was true, but hated that he’d seen it so easily. But of course he had. Sam’s life was all about fun. If anybody knew how to choose what he wanted and opt for some short-lived fun, it was him.
Meanwhile, I’d been running from mess and risk and any chance of making a mistake for years. And why? Same answer.Sam. Because I couldn’t handle the possibility of my heart being smashed to bits all over again. So I’d clung to routine and plans and safety. My list was supposed to help me break out of that rut, but it sure hadn’t stopped me from making mistakes. Falling for Sam again might have been the biggest mistake of all.
“Maybe I should take a page from your book and try walking away.”
The air whooshed out of his lungs, the look in his eyes like I’d just landed a roundhouse straight to his chest. He shook his head, disappointment telegraphed in every movement. “You’re still not choosing what you want.”
“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”
“Maybe I know you better than you want to admit.”
I crossed my arms over my chest in a futile attempt to block out the chill. Impossible, since the cold came from my heart now.
“I don’t want to do this anymore. I want—” I wanted to go home to my warm house, snuggle under a blanket on the couch, and watch a Christmas movie. I wanted to pretend this whole conversation away. Mostly, I wanted to forget the way he’d sliced straight into the most vulnerable part of me and laid me open.
“What do you want, Harper?”
You. I couldn’t even say the word, like it didn’t exist in my brain. We’d crashed and burned once before. Who could say we wouldn’t crumble again? Even after the last few amazing weeks, we already teetered on the edge of a break. When he left me the first time, it’d wrecked me. I couldn’t go through that again.
He took a step closer and kissed me on the forehead, lingering there like he was trying to breathe me in. Releasing me, he sighed, a soft, sad sound.
“Find me when you figure out what you want.”
Then, for the second time in my life, Sam Donnelly walked away, leaving my heart crushed behind him.
THIRTY-TWO
harper
If anyone’s wondering,baking and a broken heart do not go well together.
I’d spent Christmas Eve at my parents’ house making pies and cookies, and so far, everything had gone wrong. I’d made a batch of molasses cookies but forgot the molasses, put a pie crust in the oven without poking it first so it puffed up like a football, and left the sugar out of my mom’s favorite cranberry orange bread.
Still, my mishaps in the kitchen were a lot better than sitting around watching the love-fest happening in the living room. Booker readA Christmas Carolout loud while Eden smiled over his ringing baritone as he did all the voices, their hands clasped between them. Eliza sat in Dean’s lap, only halfway pretending to listen to Ebenezer Scrooge’s plight while they nuzzled and cuddled each other. My parents had even been out there up until a few minutes ago, snuggling away like lovebirds while Dad teased Mom with a sprig of mistletoe.
Couldn’t fathom how Christmas Day would go when we’d more than double the number of painfully happy couples in here. Should probably load one of the desserts with rum so I could drown my sorrows and eat my feelings at the same time.
“Are you still working away?”
Mom walked into the kitchen sounding like she hadn’t even noticed I’d been hidden in here all day. Not really the comfort I would have hoped for from my mom.
“I had to redo the cranberry orange bread. The last loaf was inedible.” I’d chucked it in the garbage can with a pathetic thud.
“Don’t work yourself too hard trying to make a good Christmas for everyone else. You’ve got to live it, too.”
Kind of echoed everything Sam had said last night.
Our conversation had played through my thoughts a thousand times, but I still couldn’t figure out where things had gone wrong. How had we moved from making Christmas plans in each other’s arms to Sam walking away? And not just walking away—I’dpushedhim away because…why? Because he knew me too well? Because I didn’t want to risk my heart again?
If that was it, I hadn’t done a very good job protecting my heart. It’d hurt and squeezed and reminded me of everything I’d got wrong all day.
He thought I was being a martyr about work, that much had been clear. But that he thought he needed to settle down and take a job working for his dad instead of working as a guide? Giving up what he loved made no sense, even if he thought he was doing it for me.
“Did you ever resent all the time Dad spends away on call?” Maybe he’d never spent days out at a time, but he’d had overnight calls through the years, and he’d certainly never kept perfect nine to five hours.
Mom leaned against the counter next to me. “No, because he loves it. It fulfills him. And I’m always here to welcome him home.”
Could have done without the saucy wink. Didn’t care what Eliza said, she got about sixty percent of her personality from Mom.
