Page 40 of Make it Real
I pointed vaguely at the market crowds. “People.”
“They didn’t complain, either.”
Sighing, I crumpled up my cone’s paper wrapper. I didn’t know exactly where to start here, but figured I’d go with the glaring choice.
“My college boyfriend wasn’t the greatest, okay? It took me a long time to realize it, since I’d never dated in high school.”
“I have a hard time believing that.”
“Believe it.” I lifted a shoulder. “I wasn’t a pariah or anything, but nobody asked me out. So when Andrew did my second year in college, it was exciting and new. I let a lot of stuff slide because I thought it was normal.”
He shifted toward me, giving me his full attention. “What kind of stuff?”
“Well…his compliments always came with criticism. Like, ‘You look so good in that dress, have you ever thought about losing some weight?’. Or ‘You’re smarter than I thought’ when I did something really obvious.”
Jed’s mouth thinned, and a line formed between his eyebrows where they pulled together.
“I realize now he probably thought if he pointed out my flaws, I wouldn’t think I could leave him. Who else would want me, right? I guess there’s a name for that dating tactic and everything. But I didn’t know that then, I just knew he left me confused and scrambling to make him happy.”
Strange to look back and think a twenty-year-old guy could have had such a hold on me. I’d internalized his half-insults, his jabs about my chosen major or classes, his jokes at my expense that I’d tried to laugh over even though they hurt. He hadn’t been worth a minute of my time, and I’d dated him almost two semesters.
“His biggest thing was that I talked too much. Sometimes, he’d yawn really wide in the middle of a story, or just cut me off entirely. Or he’d listen, and then instead of responding to what I’d told him, he’d say I must really like hearing my own voice.” I scratched at the fraying hem of my shorts. “He’d tell me I was embarrassing myself.”
Never mind how often he’d intentionally embarrassed me in front of his friends.
“Anyway,” I said, pulling myself back into the present. “I’m long past everything with him, but that part kind of stuck. I mean, I do talk a lot. He wasn’t exactly wrong. You said so, too.”
“Callie.”
Jed’s tender voice curled around my heart like a bear hug. He slid closer on the bench and took my hand in his. His strength and warmth worked together to chase away the bad memories of Andrew. I didn’t revisit them a lot, but when they came up, they could hit hard.
“You can talk as much as you please, about whatever you please. Always. Not just with me, butespeciallywith me.” He squeezed my hand, tucking it carefully inside his. The small gesture made me feel protected and cared for instead of ridiculous and dumb. “I meant what I said as a joke, truly, but I’ll never say anything like that to you again.”
“Thank you.”
“That guy sounds like a real ass. How’d you get rid of him?”
I couldn’t help the tiny smile that peeked out. “I had a little help. I’d been seeing a campus therapist, mostly because of my grief about losing my mom. But he’d pulled my confidence down to zero that year, and she’d noticed. When we finally talked about him, she gently pointed out how his comments had never been designed to help me improve myself, the way he always claimed. And I started to realize how badly he’d affected me. I wasn’t sure how to break up with him, though—I mentioned before I hate conflict. I’m the kind of person who’ll eat the wrong meal the waitress brought rather than complain.”
I tried to laugh, but he didn’t seem to find that amusing.
“Anyway, at the end of that year, I declared early childhood education as my major. I was already taking the classes, but I made it official. He said he wasn’t sure he could date somebody with such low ambitions, and I saw my chance. I said if that was how he felt, we should stop dating, for his sake.”
“Oh, how the turn tables.”
I smiled wider. “NiceOfficereference. Yeah, he tried to backtrack, but I held him to it, said I didn’t want my low ambitions to negatively affect him, so the best thing would be if he just never spoke to me again.”
“You badass.”
“It didn’t go as easily as all that, but once he realized I was really done, he moved on. My therapist and I had some new things to talk about for a while, but college got better after that.”
“‘Low ambitions’.” Jed shook his head, eyes stormy. “Any idea where I can find good old Andrew these days?”
Understanding his veiled threat, I laughed. Then I all-out giggled. Maybe not the best response, but I couldn’t hold it in. Leaning against him, I felt lighter than I had in a long time. I hadn’t told anyone else about Andrew, thinking the story could only make me look like a dummy for putting up with a guy who’d insulted me for so long. But Jed hadn’t judged me a bit. He’d listened, comforted, and lightly threatened my ex.
My heart swelled fit to burst, glad to have a man like Jed by my side. For however long I had him. It wouldn’t be very long, I knew that. But maybe it would be enough.
“He’s not worth it,” I said, laying my head on his shoulder.
