Page 16 of For the Plot
“Excuse you, I was notcrying.I wasmoping.There’s a difference.”
“Mm-hmm,” he hummed unconvincingly. It only took a moment to realize he had done it yet again, teased me out of my discomfort.
I took a deep breath to ground myself, knowing that if I didn’t just do it, I would end up chickening out. It was now or never.
“Well, remember how I told you the reason I had writer's block and how I tried to hook up with a stranger?” The words squeaked out of me.
He froze, which made my nerves start to come back. "Yes?"
“I realized that I was never going to be able to have sex with a total stranger.” Some of the tension eased from James’s shoulders as I spoke, and it gave me the confidence to continue. But the nerves still made the words come out of my mouth faster and faster as I blurted out, “I was wondering if instead you would have sex with me?”
10
James
You're My Best Friend - Queen
TherewasnowayI heard that right.Right?Did Nikki fucking Stone actually just ask me to sleep with her? I must have fallen asleep on the couch, and now I was dreaming. That wasthe only possible explanation. Nikki had never once shown even an ounce of interest in me.
She started chewing on her lip, the most obvious sign of nerves with her, and I snapped out of my daze, blinking at her through my glasses.
I had to clear my throat twice before any words could actually come out. “Did you… Did you just ask me to have sex with you?”
“Um, yes?” An anxious laugh huffed out of her, and she looked down at her lap.
“Can I, uh, ask why?” I tried to school the shock out of my expression, but never in a million years could I have dreamt up this scenario.
She seemed to steel herself before she answered, and my heart ached for her. I never liked seeing her in distress. “I want to start off by saying that if you say no, I promise I’ll never bring it up and we can pretend like this never happened.” She chuckled awkwardly before continuing. “I really thought about what you said the other might, about how it just needs to be the right person for me. It needs to be someone that feels safe to me, who understands me and my demisexuality. And well, that’s pretty much you.”
The breath caught in my throat, hearing the words I’d always wanted to hear from her, but not in the way I wanted. But I forced myself to stay silent so she could say everything she needed to first. “There’s definitely some assumption here on my side, but I was thinking that since you seem to be OK with and enjoy sex with people you aren’t attracted to, and have a super casual approach to it, maybe that same mentality could apply to me? That you could like, teach me. You know, give me 'sex lessons,' as it were?”
Nikki looked up at me through her lashes as she finished speaking, taking in my expression, which I kept carefully neutral. Inside, I was falling apart.
My first thought wasYes.Yes, Nikki, I want to make love to you.And that was exactly why I shouldn’t,couldn’tsay yes. How could I sleep with her and not fully fall in love with her? If I wasn’t already. I feel like part of me had started falling in love with her the moment I met her. But it was all the little things over the past year that had made me fall more and more.
But it wasn’t something I was brave enough to act on. Not when she was such an important person in my life. I had casual sex because I enjoyed sex. And it was easy for me to sleep with people I wasn’t attracted to, especially when I knew I wasn’t going to fall for them.
I turned my body fully towards her, knowing I needed to find the best way to say this so I didn't hurt her feelings. “Nikki, you’re one of my best friends," I began. Immediately she started retreating in her shell, and I reached forward to hold her hands. “I value you and our relationship so much, and I wish this was something I could help you with. I just don’t know how to do this in a way that won't change our friendship forever.”
She was looking down so I couldn’t see her face, but the way she curled into herself indicated she was hurt.
“Yeah, no, I totally understand.” She sniffed, pulling her hands out of my grasp and leaning away from me. As much as I wanted to her her in my arms, tell her I was wrong and we could do this, I just couldn’t. And it was killing me. But I wanted to respect her space and her feelings.
“Nikki, I promise this has nothing to do with you, it’s all me. I just—”
“It’s OK, I promise,” Nikki cut me off, finally looking up at me, and my heart sank at how glassy her eyes were. “Like I said, we can just pretend this never happened, and go back to how things were.” She shot me a watery smile, getting up and heading back to her room before I could get another word out.
I buried my face in my hands, fighting back my own tears and wishing this could be different.
Ithadonlybeena day, but it felt like forever, because things were nowhere near back to normal. Nikki was doing her absolute best to ignore me as much as she could. She’d been hiding away in her room the whole time, only coming out for food or the bathroom.
I had no idea how to fix things between us, and no idea how to move forward. Part of me was still kicking myself for not just saying yes. But I also had to respect how she had to protect herself. And if that was by distancing herself for now, I just had to be ok with that.
Walking in the door now, I braced myself for more awkward interactions. It had been a long, rough shift today, and I didn't know if I had it in me to pretend like everything wasn’t ruined between us. Coming farther into the apartment, I found Nikki and Will on the couch watching a movie.
Nodding my head at them, I walked past to my room to change. Shucking off my jeans, I pulled on a pair of gray sweatpants. My hair was damp with sweat from all the running around I had done, and I raked my hand through the strands, pushing them back from my face. I took a quick look in the mirror and noticed the stubble on my chin. I really did need a shave soon before it turned into a full-on beard.
I took my glasses off, leaving them on my dresser before heading out into the living room to join the three of them. Nikkiwas curled up in one corner of our giant couch, Will in the middle, leaving the opposite end of the couch from her vacant. I flopped into the spot, kicking my socked feet up onto the coffee table.
