Page 17 of For the Plot
Nikki’s eyes tracked me as I moved, and I could’ve sworn they traveled down my body and back up again, but my eyes were too blurry without my glasses to notice for sure. My eyesight was just bad enough that I needed them out and about, but not so bad that I needed them full-time, so I often left them off when I was just hanging around the apartment.
“What’re we watching?”
“Some random rom-com that popped up on Netflix,” Will responded. “Their movies are often better and worse than Hallmark at the same time, I swear.” Will filled me in on what I had missed in the story. After that, we all fell into a comfortable silence, watching the couple break up so that they could have their big grand gesture moment.
“Alright, resident romance expert. On a level of one to ten, how was that grand gesture?” Will asked Nikki after the credits started rolling.
She rubbed her chin in exaggerated thought. “Hmmm, not terrible, but could use more groveling. Six out of ten.”
“Fair enough,” he responded through a yawn, stretching his arms over his head. “And on that note, it is definitely time for bed."
I stayed slouched in my spot, scrolling on my phone. I was too wired for sleep, and wanted to give Nikki a chance to sneak out of the room without me noticing, but she stayed on the couch. After a few more moments, I finally looked up to see she was twisting her fingers around in her lap, chewing on that damn lip again, a contemplative look on her face.
“You alright, Nik?” I asked softly, as if trying not to spook a wild animal. This was the first time she had willingly stayed inthe same room with me since our conversation. I didn’t want to get my hopes up that she was finally ready to speak to me again, but I couldn’t help the way my heart soared with hope.
“Yeah.” She finally looked up at me, smiling softly. “I just wanted to talk with you, if that's alright?”
“Yeah, of course!” I tried to keep my voice from being too cheerful, but I didn’t know how successful I was.
“I’m sorry I was avoiding you, I just—”
“No, please, don’t worry about it. You take all the time you need,” I said, giving her an encouraging nod.I missed youis what I didn’t say, not sure she was ready to hear it yet.
“I’ve thought a lot about what you said, and I think you’re right. I love our friendship too, and if you think sleeping together would jeopardize it, I don’t want to do that. You're so important to me."
My shoulders loosened, feeling like I could finally breathe for the first time since yesterday afternoon. “Good, I’m so glad to hear that.”
I tried to keep the smile from my face, but hearing that she cared so deeply for me, even if it wasn't in the way I wish she did, made me the happiest I had been all week.
She continued, “I also just wanted to let you know that my plan hasn’t changed.” She chewed on her lip once more before pushing her shoulders back.
My heart stalled. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Nikki said, finally looking up at me and making eye contact, “that I’m still going to find someone else to sleep with.”
11
Nikki
Let's Talk About Sex - Salt-N-Pepa
Jamesstaredatme,blinking slowly. It took him a moment, but finally he pulled himself together enough to ask, “I thoughtyou said you knew you couldn’t go through with it with a stranger?”
I had said that. And I had also spent the past day trying my best not to cry after being completely rejected by James. I may not have feelings for him beyond our friendship, but rejection of any kind was always extremely difficult for me. My nervous system just couldn’t tell the difference between someone saying no one time versus someone saying they hated me.
And while it had gotten better since getting diagnosed with ADHD and understanding there was a reason behind the way I felt things, it didn’t stop me from feeling them. Hence, me avoiding him like the plague while I licked my wounds and tried to figure out how to move on from this. I knew that his decision didn’t say anything about how he felt about me as a person—it was just a boundary he had to set for himself, and I had to respect that.
But I also knew that I still had a book to write and writer’s block to break, with no other ideas as to how to fix it. I was on a tight deadline and had no time to waste, which meant I needed a solutionyesterday. I also needed to put him out of his misery. Even as I had avoided him, I had noticed him moping around the apartment like a sad puppy, and I hated that I was the one who made him feel like that. I needed to be a big girl and put it behind us. I told him we could pretend like it had never happened, and I meant that.
Taking a deep breath, I said, “Well, I’ve been thinking more about it. And I think if I get to know someone for more than five minutes this time and don’t try to hook up in a bar bathroom”—I smiled wryly—“I’ll be OK. Maybe I’ll try a dating app this time or something, I don’t know. But I needed to tell you that I’m sorry for avoiding you, and I promise I’m all good now.”
James didn’t say anything, his eyes skipping around my face, brows slightly scrunched together. God, I wish I could tell what he was thinking.
“So, yeah. I told you we could pretend it never happened, so let's just do that. Are we all good?” I asked.
I waited anxiously for his response, hoping he wasn’t too upset with me, and that we really could go back to the way things were. It took him a moment, but he seemed to pull himself together, finally responding, “Yes, yes, of course. You know I value our friendship so much. I never want to hurt you.”
The tension that had wrung my body so tight since our conversation finally released, and I slumped in my seat.
