Page 35 of For the Plot
It wasn't like I had a very large following. Would anyone even care if I didn’t finish the series? Maybe I could just delete all my social media and disappear from the bookish world, and no one would even notice or miss my books. I could go back to a job in retail, letting my soul die slowly more and more each day. Selling my soul to capitalist America was better than making myself vulnerable and risk being hurt, right?
Jesus, I was being such a fucking drama queen. The problem with being a self aware person was that you could recognize your harmful behaviors and patterns, but that didn’t make them just up and magically disappear. Sometimes I felt like being aware of it was even worse, because I would still do it, but then I’dfeel guilty about it, and then I’d spiral even further, in a never-ending cycle of doom.
So that was what it was like in my brain half the time. The other half of the time, I was thinking about James. Thinking about tonight. About how James wasfinallygoing to touch me.
My sex drive came in ebbs and flows. Sometimes I could go months without even thinking about getting off, months without touching myself. And sometimes I was so horny I masturbated like I was a teenager, getting off multiple times a day, every day, for a week or more. There were some days where no matter how many times I came, I still wasn’t satisfied.
That was probably one of the biggest misconceptions about demisexuality. That because we didn’t experience sexual attraction as often as allosexual people, we didn’t also feel desire as often. And sure, there were demisexual people out there like that, just like there were allosexual people with low sex drives.
I was definitely at a high point in this cycle. I don’t think I’d ever been so horny in my life. It had already been like that before we started this weird little adventure, but ever since that first conversation with James where I'd asked him to sleep with me, it had amped up higher than ever before. It was always the build up and anticipation that got me going the most. Knowing I had a plan, lessons to look forward to, amped it up to a whole other level.
I just hoped that tonight, once I experiences what it was like to have James's hands on me, would finally provide me release and the clarity I needed to write this book.
I looked down at my phone, realizing it was already almost six now, and if I wanted to shower and shave in time, I needed to get up now. Knowing what was coming—hopefully both of us—was the only thing that got me up and to the bathroom for my shower.
Istaredatmyselfin the mirror, taking in what I was wearing and trying to decide if it was too much. I’d gotten such a rush from our second lesson, seeing the way he’d looked at me in my lingerie set, that our third lesson called for another one.
I knew his favorite color was emerald green, and luckily I loved the way the color looked on me. So I was wearing an emerald green lace set, without the robe this time, impatient to see the look on his face when I opened the door in nothing but my underwear. Sometimes I questioned why I owned so many lingerie sets when no one ever saw them but me—well, at least until now. But there was something that made me feel so powerful and beautiful wearing delicate lace sets on my fat body, even if no one else saw them.
Fat women were told all the time that their bodies weren't dainty and feminine enough. That fat bodies could never be viewed as dainty in the first place, and that femininity would always be just out of reach for them. Buying and wearing lingerie was my own private fuck you to that feeling. And now, seeing the way James looked at me in the sets? It just made me feel all the more powerful.
A knock on my door pulled me out of my thoughts, and I took a deep breath before walking over to open it. I found James on the other side, this time in nothing but his gray boxers. My eyes immediately drifted down to the bulge between his hips, snapping up when I heard him suck in a deep breath. His eyes were roaming over my body, blazing with heat.
“Fuck, Nikki.” The words came out of him on a groan, and he swept into the room, slamming the door behind him. I backed up as he stalked towards me, making me step backwards until the back of my knees hit the mattress and I fell back onto my hands, already breathing heavily.
Looking up at him through my lashes, I asked, “You like it?”
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Perfect,” he breathed. “Can I touch you, Nikki?”
“Getting right to it then?” I asked, my voice a mix of anticipation and nerves. At the tone of my voice, James’s eyes snapped up to mine from where he’d been hungrily staring at my tits.
“No, darling. I’m not asking to touch your pussy, not yet.” My core clenched at his words, wetness begging to dampen my panties. “I think we should start today with kissing, exploring each other's bodies with our hands. Warm you up before we get to it. Does that sound good to you?”
I nodded my head, and he tsked at me. “I need your words, NikNak.”
“Yes.” The word came out much shakier than I intended it to.
“You remember the safe word?” he asked, and I nodded again.
When he raised his brow at me expectantly, I swallowed before answering. “Coffee.”
“Good girl.” He got onto his knees in front of me and spread my thighs wide to take his place between them.
A shaky sigh escaped my lips.Fuck, I liked the praise more than I thought I would. A shaky sigh escaped my lips at the words, and James smirked like he could read my mind. My skin buzzed with anticipation as I waited for his hands on me.
Leaning in, James breathed against my ear, “I’m going to take my time with you, darling, so I need you to be good and let me.” I closed my eyes, letting the words wash over me as I nodded my head in acknowledgement.
He pulled back, a wicked gleam in his eyes, and I swallowed hard as he moved his hands to my knees, slowly dragging them in circles up my thighs, watching the movement of his hands on my skin. I was still leaning back on my own hands, following his every movement. When he got to the apex of my thighs, he retreated, and I held back a frustrated whimper, toes curling into the carpet. Bringing his hands back to my knees, he used them for balance as he leaned forward until he could nuzzle his face into my neck.
I pushed forward, planting one hand on his shoulder and diving the other into his soft curls, lightly scraping my nails over his scalp. I felt his body shudder under my palm, relishing in the feeling of bringing someone pleasure. He pressed his mouth to my neck, letting his lips linger in soft kiss after kiss.
Slowly, he opened his mouth against my skin, sucking gently at the juncture where my neck and shoulder met. I tilted my head to the side, granting him better access. James immediately took advantage, sucking, kissing and nibbling up my neck to my ear, where he pulled the lobe into his mouth, biting just enough to sting. I gasped at the sensation, my eyes falling closed as my hand tightened in his hair.
His hands began sliding up my thighs again, fingers sliding under the lace as he squeezed my ass in his hands, pulling me in closer against his body. I let out a small whimper as my aching center met his, giving me only the smallest amount of relief and leaving me wanting more.
His hands continued wandering, sliding up my sides as he kissed his way from one ear and across my jaw to the other side, giving my other ear the same attention. On instinct my hips rolled again, and James pulled away.
“Ah, ah, ah, not yet, greedy girl.” A desperate whine escaped my lips before I could stop it, and he chuckled darkly. “I told youI was going to explore your body before I touched you there, and I keep my word.”
