Page 56 of For the Plot
“Hey.” I smiled, but I didn't think it quite reached my eyes.
“Hey.” His brows were drawn together as he scanned all over my face. “Is everything OK? I woke up and you were gone.”
“Oh yeah.” I waved a dismissive hand. “Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to fall asleep in there. Woke up super early and came back to my room when I realized.” He tried to hide the devastation in his eyes, but I still saw it. My grip tightened on the door as I tried to keep from breaking down.
“Are we… good?” he asked hesitantly.
“Of course!” I responded with forced brightness, “I just realized today is November first so it’s time for me to really buckle down on this draft.”
“Oh, OK.” His shoulders dropped in relief. “So you’ll just let me know the next time you want to meet up?”
“Actually, I think we can probably call it, now.” I felt like I was ripping my own heart out as I said the words, but I knew it was time. “I really appreciate all the help! But I really gotta focus on the writing now.”
The more I spoke, the more the light in his eyes dimmed.
“Yeah, no, I get it.” James smiled weakly at me. “Glad I could help.” He turned around without another word, walking back to his room.
I don’t think I’d ever hated myself more.
I closed the door and let my head fall against it as the tears started to fall. I gasped in shuddering breaths, trying to calm my breathing, trying not to have a panic attack for the second time this morning.
I crawled back in my bed, lifting my phone back up to keep scrolling. Everything was going wrong. I’d ruined my friendshipwith James, I still had no book to show for it, and I’d fallen back into my habit of lying to everyone around me because I couldn’t face my own failings.
It was times like these that made me wish I didn’t have to do this anymore. Not that I wanted to kill myself or anything, but like I just wanted to hit pause on existing for a while. Fade into nothingness for a few weeks or months until everything that was making me feel so overwhelmed that I couldn’t function had passed.
I knew that wasn’t possible, so instead I stayed in bed, scrolling without seeing what I was looking at while my brain told me what a shitty person I was.
Honestly, I deserved it.
32
Nikki
Jenny - Studio Killers
Afewdayshadpassed since Lucy called, and I’d barely written anything. I felt numb to every feeling besides exhaustion. I did my best to push through it though, because Ihad no choice. I couldnotmiss this deadline. The problem was that I felt like everything was wrong with the plot of my book.
I no longer feel stuck with the sex scenes, but every time I sat down to try and write, it just felt… wrong. My main characters had zero chemistry with each other, and no matter how much I sat and thought about how to fix it, nothing was working. I didn’t know what to do. How could I write a romance with zero chemistry? But I didn’t have the time or capacity to start over from scratch, which sent me into another panic spiral.
I was sitting at my desk now, pulling at my greasy hair. My eyes felt like they were full of sand for how little sleep and how much screen time I’d had the past few days. I was so frustrated I wanted to cry, but I was too numb even for that.
Someone knocked on the door. I debated ignoring them, but decided to be a big girl and get up to answer it. Swinging the door open, I came face-to-face with James. I hungrily took in the sight of him, trying to resist the urge to grab his shirt and pull him further into the room, fucking away everything I was feeling. But another part of me wanted to slam the door in his face and curl into a ball and never get up again.
Scanning over him I noted the circles under his eyes, his facial hair more grown out than usual. He looked as terrible as I felt.
“Hey.” His voice was quiet. His brows furrowed as he looked me over as well. “How are you doing?”
I cleared my throat, shrugging. “Fine. Just trying to get this book written.”
James nodded his head. We both stood there awkwardly, not looking at each other as the tension stretched between us. I felt my anxiety stealing the breath from my lungs. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t stand here and share space with him like I didn’t want to pull him into my arms and lose myself in his body. I needed to end this.
“Well, I should get—”
“I want to do this for real.”
We spoke at the same time, and my words died on my tongue as I registered what he said.
“What?” The word fell out of my mouth as my heart seized in my chest.
