Page 57 of For the Plot
“This. You and me.” James’s words were firmer now, his back straightening as he spoke. “I want to be with you for real, Nikki. We’ve been friends for years, I think you're amazing, and the sex with us is the best I’ve ever had in my life. I think we could be so good together, and I think you know that, too. We’ve both been miserable this past week. Why are we fighting this?”
“I don’t…” I shook my head, not knowing what to say.
“Please.” He grabbed one of my hands in his, and I watched numbly as he cradled it lovingly between his own. “I miss you.” He was pleading now, his eyes glistening. “You can’t tell me you don’t feel it, too. I know you didn’t always, I know I used to be alone in these feelings, but hasn’t that changed?”
“What do you mean?”
“You really had no idea?”
“No idea about what?”
James gave me a devastatingly sad smile. “Nikki, I love you. I’ve been in love with you probably since the day I met you.”
I was shaking my head before he even began speaking, pulling my hand out of his grasp. “No, no, we’re just friends.” I couldn’t stomach the look of absolute devastation on his face as I pulled away from him, and I looked to the ground. But what the fuck? He was in love with me? What was he talking about? This wasn’t how things were supposed to go, this wasn’t the plan. He was the one who told me he didn’t want a relationship! This plan was perfect because we knew we wouldn’t develop feelings for each other, but he was in love with me the whole time?
It was all too much. I was so behind on this book, I was about to lose my dream, my career, my livelihood. I could barelyfunction, and I just needed everything to go back to the way it had been.
No. No, I couldn’t do this.
“James, what are you doing? We both knew exactly what this was, what it was supposed to be.”
James swallowed hard, and I watched the muscles in his neck move, unable to look him in the eyes. “I’m sick of living my life too scared to ask for what I want. Too afraid to rock the boat and demand more for myself. So this is me telling you that I am in love with you, and I want to be with you. For real. No lessons, no friends-with-benefits, no whatever the fuck this has been. We’re perfect for each other, and you know it.” His voice was fierce and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“James, stop.”
“I thought… I thought you felt it, too.” I couldn't stomach the look of devastation on his face, but I also knew I couldn't give him what he wanted.
I knew what I had to do. “I appreciate you being willing to help me, but that’s all this ever was. And now, you’re nothing but a distraction.” My voice got louder and angrier as I spoke, unable to stop myself from spiraling. “You’re the reason I’m so behind. I got caught up in our lessons because you kept pushing me for more, and now everything is at risk. I just… I need you to stop. We are friends and nothing more, and I need you to just leave me alone so I can finish this book and save my career.”
Before he could say anything else, before I could see the look my words could put on his face, I slammed the door shut on him. As the quiet echoed around me, the tears slipped down my cheeks. I wrapped my arms around myself, gasping in air that didn’t seem to be filling my lungs. I crawled in bed, curling up on my side as my tears soaked the pillow beneath me.
When had everything gotten so fucked up?
Nikki
Aweekhadpassed,the worst week of my life. After letting myself wallow for the rest of the day after James and I talked, I forced myself to get back to writing, but it was like pulling teeth.
And then, two days later, James texted the group chat to let us know he was moving out. His text had sent me spiraling all over again.
It was all my fault. I had ruinedeverything. Our friendship, my book, the apartment. But I couldn’t fix it. I couldn't fixanyof it. I didn’t know how, and I didn’t have the time. So I continued ignoring Will and Collins every time they tried to talk to me and ask me what happened. I only left my bedroom when absolutely necessary. I hadn’t even responded to any of Noah’s messages.
But then yesterday, as I had sat staring at my document trying to get the main characters to give mesomething, a conversation popped into my head between the female character and her best friend who was trying to help the love interest fall in love with her.
And that was when everything clicked.
The reason the main characters had no chemistry was because they weren’t right for each other. The main character andher best friendwere the ones who were in love.
In a manic fugue, I started the book over almost from scratch. But this time, the main character and her best friend fall in love. And it was… fuck, it was perfect. It might be the best book I had written yet, even if it was rushed. It would need a lot of work in editing, but that was future Nikki’s problem.
Powering through the draft was the only thing keeping the depressive episode I could feel looming at bay. And I was powering through it. I’d gotten through the first act just between yesterday and today.
Even now I was planted at my desk, barely looking up from the screen to to eat or drink or take care of personal hygiene.
Suddenly, there was a knock at my door. I ignored it, going back to the screen in front of me. I didn’t even have the energy to tell whoever it was to go away.
But then the door opened, and Will and Collins came into my room. Begrudgingly, I turned in my chair to glare at them.
“What is it?” I asked sharply.
