Page 59 of For the Plot
After all, they had all known each other longer. The guys were always going to take Nikki’s side, as they should.
“That’s good.” Will nodded his head encouragingly at me.
“We miss you, man,” Collins suddenly burst out, and I blinked in surprise.
Will smacked his arm. “Dude, I thought we were gonna be cool?”
Collins just brushed him off. “I know, but fuck, this is all so stupid!” He turned to me, leaning forward earnestly. “I don’t know what happened between you and Nikki. She won’t talk to us. But I know you’ll figure it out eventually. Just move back in, OK?”
I was already shaking my head before he’d even finished speaking. “I can’t, man.”
“Why not?” Will asked, seeming to give up on whatever plan they’d had. “What happened?”
I swallowed, unsure if I should tell them. If Nikki hadn’t said anything, maybe she didn’t want them to know. I looked down, picking at the chipping nail polish on my fingers. I needed to repaint them. Maybe a fun winter color this time. Fake it till you make it, right?
I decided to be honest. They’d find out eventually, and it wasn't like things were ever going to go back to the way they were. “I told her I was in love with her, and she told me I was just a distraction.” I kept my gaze down as I spoke, unable to handle whatever pitying expressions I’m sure they were trying to give me.
I was pathetic.
“Bullshit.” My head snapped up. Collins was shaking his head at me.
“Excuse me?”
“No, not that you’re in love with her, I knew that.” He waved a dismissive hand at me, and my cheeks pinkened.
“Was I really that obvious?” I asked sheepishly. Collins and Will looked at each other, and I buried my face in my hands.
“Hey.” Will put a hand on my shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with being down bad.” He and Collins laughed as I groaned, dropping my head back.
“There is when she doesn’t love me back!”
“See,that’swhat’s bullshit, man. Nikki is totally in love with you,” Collins said.
My heart wanted to believe him. But I couldn’t let myself go through this heartbreak again. I shook my head.
“You’re wrong. She doesn’t care about me. At least, not in that way.”
“She’s just overwhelmed, and stressed. You should see her—she’s doing even worse than you.” I ached at his words, hating the idea of her in pain, even still.
“She gets like this sometimes, when everything around her is just too much and she shuts down. You just need to be patient with her. She’ll come around,” Will said.
“No,” I stated firmly. “I know you guys mean well, but just—I can’t, OK?” I hated the way my voice cracked on the words. “I can’t move back in and be near her, knowing she doesn’t love me back. I never should have said yes to sleeping with her in the first place, but if I didn’t do it, she would have found someone else and I couldn’t let her do that. I couldn’t let her be vulnerable in that way with a stranger. With someone who wouldn’t give her the respect and the care she deserved.”
“Fuck, man, you really are gone for her, aren’t you?” Collins sounded surprised, and I realized that while he knew I loved her, he probably didn’t understand the depths of that love.
I looked down to my hands again. “I love her more than anything. That’s why I can’t come back.”
They were quiet then, giving me space while I collected myself. I’m glad they weren’t pushing anymore, but it also made it worse. I wasn’t just losing Nikki, I was losing them, too. Sure, they would try to keep touch with me, but I knew that eventually time and space would come between us and we’d drift apart.
My heartbreak would be threefold.
“Will you at least tell us where you’re staying?” Will asked, and I finally looked back up to them.
I flicked my eyes up to the ceiling. “In Sasha and Lauren’s spare room. At least until I can find a more permanent place to stay. I promise, I’ll come get the rest of my stuff once I have somewhere to take it.”
"Dude, shut up," Collins interjected. "You’re coming back eventually. Just give it some time."
I didn’t respond.
