Page 76 of Jaime
“No, I am. I knew I would be. I can’t be a mom.”
I wasn’t sure how to react. In the face of Liz’s tears, it felt dirty to be happy about what she was saying. I couldn’t be.
My eyes flew to Ethan’s. He met my gaze, his filled with compassion.
“You just need some experience,” I found myself saying, echoing Ethan’s earlier sentiment. “It takes practice to read a baby. I’ve known Evie longer. I spent every moment with her all this time.”
“It’s not just that,” she sniffled.
It took her another minute of wiping tears before she could go on.
“I’m not fit for this yet. I don’t even have anywhere to live yet. Even if I did…” She took a shuddering breath. “No, I knew when I gave her to you it was probably going to be permanent, I just didn’t want to admit it at the time.”
She looked up at me, tears still streaming from her red eyes.
“Please don’t hate me for this, but seeing her with you two…” She swallowed and pressed on. “I don’t think Evelyn was ever supposed to be mine. I think I had her for you.”
“Liz,” I choked.
“With you, she has a real family. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give her that. It’ll take a few years, I’m thinking, before I can be stable enough for a family and it wouldn’t be fair to take her away from you after all that time.”
My eyes stung with tears. I tried to blink them back but couldn’t.
They poured free as I sank down in front of her chair, taking her trumping hands in my own.
“Liz,” I said gently, “I’m so sorry.”
A fresh wave of tears poured from her eyes.
“I should be apologizing toyou.You didn’t ask for this.”
“Maybe,” I admitted, “but I want it. I would be heartbroken if you took her.”
Finally telling Liz that lifted a weight from my shoulders and the way she lit up a little bit helped.
“Do you mean that?” she asked. “I can’t tell you how guilty I’ve felt.”
“It was a lot at first,” I admitted. “But I would be devastated without her.”
“I don’t think Evie is too unhappy with the arrangement either,” Ethan added. “She’s a very happy, healthy baby.”
She looked between us three, smiling sadly.
“I hope you won’t mind if I’m still around, will you? I’d still like to know her and maybe even be involved sometimes, if it’s not too much.”
I shook my head fervently.
“No, Liz, Iwantyou around. I miss you.”
The tears started again, for both of us. We ended up hugging and crying while Ethan sat feeding Evie across the table, watching with warm, sad eyes.
Only the sound of the water overflowing and hitting the hob finally drew us apart.
“Shit, the potatoes,” I muttered, and for some reason, that made us all laugh.
The rest of the night passed in a haze.
Ethan was unnecessarily impressed by the roast dinner I threw together. Evie was in a happy mood, smiling at anyone who looked at her, and me and Liz kept smiling too, when tears didn’t burn our eyes.
