Page 24 of Under the Texas Sky
I check your social media every time I get a chance, and if you knew this, you would think I’m pathetic. But that’s okay, I’ll take any crumb of your life that I can get.
You started an OnlyFans, too. You post about it on your stories every day. And every day my fingers itch to press the button, but I can’t. I’m not strong. I’m not strong enough to see you like that and not break down.
Mitch is doing good. He still loves going to the senior citizen center every day for lunch, but between me and you, I think he has a crush on one of the ladies. I made him blush, actually blush, the other day when I called him out on it. It was one of those times when I miss you the most, sitting on the couch and working on a puzzle, Mitch and I talking about our day. A piece of our lives are missing, and every day without you feels hollow.
Mitch misses you. I miss you.
I love you. Yesterday. Today. Always.
Yours forever,
Trent.
CHAPTER 22
TRENT
Journal Entry- Day 365
Hi Freckles
It’s been three hundred and sixty-five days, two hours, and thirty-seven minutes since the moment I realized you were gone.
Time is a finicky thing. Because while it seems like it was just yesterday you walked away, the pain reverberates in my bones every moment I have to exist without you. How can I ever recover from losing a love like ours?
There’s no right answer. No one way or another makes the most sense. I can’t live without you, but I can’t live with you either. Everything is black & white, there’s no gray. No color. My life has never been bleaker without you bursting into rooms. A bright ray of sunshine on a cloudy day and spreading happiness that costs nothing but is worth millions.
Mitch doesn’t talk to me, not like he used to. And that’s my fault. Because one day, after long hours out in the sun, the only thing I wanted to do was come home and relax. I sat down on the couch by him, like so many times before.
He slipped your name into a conversation and I lost it.
I locked myself in the bedroom for four days. I was perfectly fine to wither away and leave nothing of me on this earth except my bones.
He wouldn’t let me.
I understand it. It’s the same concern you had. Worrying about finding me dead. But I’m selfish, I always have been. I always will be. I can accept that now. I’ve always seen it, but I’ve never taken the steps to work on it.
I’m working on it now. It’s too little too late, and I know writing this in my journal is a coward's way out, but these pages hold words that I can never speak out loud.
Maybe one day, our love will come together again. Until that day, our love will live in between these pages, holding on to hope that’s foolish to have.
I can’t move on from you.
I won’t.
You’re it for me.
In this life and every life I live.
You’re the stars in my universe. Shining so bright, but always out of reach. And by the time I see you in the sky, you’re already burnt out.
You were mine once and I was yours. I’ll still always support you and your dreams. You always deserved more than this town had to offer, more than I had to offer. Watching your social media is hard, but I do it anyway. I watch your life from the sidelines. Enjoying the scenicviews of the oceans and mountains and old architecture. Your whole life is an adventure now.
Sometimes I dream that I’m standing behind the camera. Snapping pictures of you from every angle, making sure the sunlight highlights those freckles I love so much.
It hurts.
But as long as you’re loving life, I can stand being able to watch you and never have you. Because any piece I can get is better than nothing.
