Page 23 of To Love a Monster
Chapter Nine
Lila
The sun has alreadystarted to dip, bleeding gold through the branches, casting long, skeletal shadows across the living room floor.Twilight, that in-between hour where things feel half-real, half-nightmare.The glass is streaked from last night’s rain, the trees shifting gently beyond the frame, but it’s not what I’m looking at.It’s what I’m looking for.That telltale flicker of movement in the woods.The shape of a shadow that doesn’t belong.The gleam of green eyes watching from the dark.
But there’s nothing.Not today.Again.That marks three full days now.No contact.No figure lingering outside the glass just waiting for an invitation.Just ...silence.And I hate how much it’s getting to me.
After this morning’s run, after Carl’s charming smiles and conversation, I came home, showered, and tried to pull myself together.I brewed coffee, sat at the easel, and tried to paint.But the brush didn’t move the same.The canvas stayed too clean.My mind was too loud.I tried music, doing the dishes.Anything to prove I’m okay.That I’m not waiting for a ghost to crawl out of the trees.That I’m not some delusional woman hung up on a possessive stalker.Even if he is devastatingly beautiful.
But it didn’t work.None of it did.Now, evening has crept in, turning the corners of the room gold and gray, and I’m standing here, again, watching the window like it might suddenly breathe.
“He’s gone,” I whisper to the glass, like it might correct me.“You should be relieved.A normal person would be.”But I’m not.I’m angry.Because he’s fucked with my head.Told me that he was protecting me.That I couldn’t let another man touch me without consequences.Almost kissed me.And then ...he vanished.No claim.No contact.Not even a threat to remind me I’m still in his line of sight.The audacity of it burns in my chest like acid.
He wants to haunt me?Fine.But if he thinks he can vanish like a ghost and I’ll just sit around waiting, then he’s more delusional than I thought.I spin away from the window and begin to pace the living room.Every step echoes too loud in the stillness.The walls press in like a cage.The ceiling feels too low.
And then the thought slinks in again.Maybe I should just go to him?He’s been stalking me, sending fucked up texts, and showing up unannounced so why can’t I?Who says he’s the only one who gets to write the rules to whatever fucked up game we’re playing?I deserve to know what I’m being protected from, if he’s even telling the truth about there being any danger at all.
And if it was all a lie?Then I get to look him in the eye and tell him to fuck off properly this time.Either way ...I’m done being passive.I grab my keys off the counter and shrug into a hoodie.My sneakers are already by the door.It takes all of ten seconds to lock up behind me, take the path and step off the main trail toward the shadowed section of trees I know lead to him.
The air feels different here.Heavier.Like it’s closing in around me with every step.It smells of damp and pine.My footfalls are dull thuds against the earth and my heartbeat seems to match them, pulsing harder as I go.Part fear, part anticipation.
I don’t even know if he’s there.If this is reckless or brave or just insane.But my body moves faster than my mind can question.Deeper into the trees and farther from safety.Into the shadowed path where every line he’s crossed, every claim he’s made, suddenly feels like things I need.
The gravel crunches beneath my feet, and soon, the shape of his cabin cuts through the mist.Stoic, silent, and still.A knot forms in my stomach as I slow.The windows are dark and the porch empty.He’s not here.I bite the inside of my cheek and step closer, circling toward the side entrance.Maybe he’s inside, watching.Waiting.
I knock once.Nothing.Twice, louder this time, but still nothing.The silence mocks me.The forest rustles behind me like it’s trying to pull me back, but I plant my feet and glare at the wood siding of his door.“You want to disappear?”I mutter.“Fine.You’re not the only one who can play games.”
But it isn’t just anger in my chest, it’s something heavier.Something messier.It’s shame masked as defiance.Hurt tangled up in pride.A hollow echo of need that I hate myself for having.And somehow, it feels worse than every dark, possessive thing he’s ever said to me.
Because this silence?It feels like rejection.Like I almost crumbled for nothing.Almost gave in to him despite his fucked up nature.
I turn on my heel, rage curling low in my stomach.Not from desire, but from fury and humiliation.From the need to feel like I still have control over something ...even if it’s only my own destruction.
I’m done waiting, done being hunted.If he’s disappeared, then good.If he’s been watching this whole time, sitting in silence purely to punish me, then even better.Let him watch.I want him to choke on what I’m about to do.Let the wolf see what happens when the lamb bites back.
I spin around and head to the house next door.Toward Carl.Toward the kind of oblivion that comes with closing your eyes, your mind, and having your legs wrapped around someone that’s wrong in all the right ways.Toward defiance and choice.And if Nikolai is truly still watching, I hope it fucking kills him.
I cross the trail and march up the short, paved drive.Right to Carl’s door.His porch light is still on.That subtle glow, soft and domestic feels almost obscene in contrast to the fire still curling in my gut.I should turn back.I know it.But I knock anyway.
