Page 37 of To Love a Monster
The knock comes likea question I don’t want to answer.Sharp, measured, and way too early.I stir beneath the sheets, mind still tangled in dreams I can’t hold onto, only the feeling lingers.The weight of his body, the scrape of his stubble against my skin.My eyes flutter open to soft morning light leaking through the curtains.The air is cool and the room is quiet.Almost too quiet.
I blink against the silence, my body sore in the most intimate ways.The ache between my thighs is a whisper of what happened, of what I gave.Of what he took like it was always meant to be his.I reach my hand out to find that the sheets beside me are cold and empty.
I turn my head slowly, and my fingers trail across the mattress, finding the faint indentation where Nikolai had been.Where he should still be.
The cool imprint of his absence sinks into my chest like a stone dropped into dark water, no splash, just the slow pull downward.My palm rests there for a beat too long, like I could summon him back with touch alone.
There’s no message, no note.Just the lingering echo of him on my skin, in my breath, in the way my body still remembers him.My throat tightens around the thought, and I sit up slowly, the robe at the foot of the bed catching around my ankles.
And then there’s another knock.Louder this time.
I blink hard, pulse rising.I throw the covers back and grab the robe from the foot of the bed, tugging it over my shoulders and tying it in a loose knot at my waist.My legs are unsteady as I cross the cabin, every step still humming with the imprint of his touch, warm, lingering, and impossible to ignore.
I reach the door and pause for half a second, fingers hovering above the handle.And then I open it to find Carl.He stands there like nothing’s changed, like we didn’t almost do something I’d really regret.He’s dressed casually in a pair of joggers and a black shirt.His hair is damp like he just came back from a run.
My stomach twists because all I can think about is how his mouth was on mine last night ...and how I was trying to convince myself I actually wanted him to take it further than just foreplay.But the moment I saw him, Nikolai, standing outside like a storm barely held back, I knew.
There was never any room for Carl.Not with whatever this thing with Nikolai is becoming.
But now he’s standing in front of me, smiling like we still might have something sparking between us.Like I didn’t crawl into bed with someone else moments after leaving him and offer myself up like a secret I couldn’t keep anymore.I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly aware of the robe and how it hangs open at the collar, the way his eyes linger just for a second too long.
“Good morning, beautiful” he says, giving me a sheepish grin.“Hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Hey, Carl,” I say, keeping my tone light.“Yeah, but it’s okay, I wasn’t planning on sleeping in anyway.”He glances down again and I tighten the robe instinctively.His eyes flicker, then he offers a lazy smile like nothing happened.
“I just wanted to check on you,” he says, leaning casually against the doorframe.“And, uh, apologize.For last night.Things got ...weird.I think it was just some bored teenagers messing around.Probably dared each other to screw with the neighbor’s place.”He chuckles like it’s nothing.“Anyway, I’ve got someone coming out this afternoon to fix the windows.”
I nod, fingers curling around the edge of the door.“That’s good.I’m glad.”
“I also...”He trails off, scratching the back of his neck.“I wanted to say I’m sorry for the way the night ended.I was hoping we could maybe ...I don’t know, maybe pick up where we left off sometime?”
I hesitate.His eyes scan my face, waiting.
“Look, Carl, I had a really great time,” I say softly.“But I didn’t mean for things to go that far.I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”Carl’s expression doesn’t change.Not much.Just a flicker.
“Totally understand,” he says, smile unfaltering.“But I’d still like to make it up to you.No pressure.Just dinner, as friends.Let me make you supper.”
I hesitate again.Not because I’m unsure but because I already know the answer should be no.But guilt is a heavy thing, and it settles in my chest before I can push the words away.I did lead him on.I went to his house unannounced.I kissed him.Let him touch me.Let it go further than I should’ve.And then I left him, after the glass shattered and the mask slipped, and I ran straight into another man's arms.
So now, standing here in my robe, pretending everything isn't tangled and messy and blurred, I do the easy thing.I nod.“Okay,” I say.“Just supper.”
“Great,” he beams.“I’ll be in touch.”He gives me a wink, easy, casual, like we’ve already made plans for something more than supper.Then he jogs off down the path, light on his feet as he disappears into the distance.
I close the door and lean against it, exhaling slowly.My thoughts are a mess of fractured memories.Carl’s smile, the broken glass, Nikolai’s hands on my body, how he used his voice in the dark the way others might use their hands, guiding me to the brink of madness with nothing but a whisper.
I walk back into the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed.The sheets are still a little tangled and still smell like him.My fingers ghost over the pillow where his head rested.The ache in my chest begins to bloom.
Is he coming back?The thought tastes bitter, too familiar.I only just let him in.I only just gave myself to him completely, without walls, without logic, without the armor I’ve spent years hiding behind.And now...Now he’s gone.
Part of me tells myself not to panic, but the other part, the quieter, crueler voice, whispers something else.Maybe he’s already gone for good.Maybe I gave too much.Maybe I made it real and that’s exactly what sends men like him running.
My phone buzzes on the nightstand and I grab it like it might vanish if I’m too slow.
You miss me already?
My heart stutters.Before I can try to type a reply, another message flashes across the screen.
Don’t worry, little lamb.I haven’t gone far.I’ll be back to finish what we started.
