Page 64 of To Love a Monster
She looks at me like I’m something she lost once and always expected to find again.But all I can think about is the last time I saw her face through smoke, pain, and blood as the roof caved in and everything went dark.I thought she died that day.I grieved for her.And God help me, I loved her.
Even when Matteo dragged me out half-dead, even when I couldn’t walk straight or breathe without choking on ash, some part of me still thought maybe she had meant it.That maybe the way she looked at me hadn’t been part of the game.
Then I learned the truth.I was always just a tool.She fed me false intel, used my face to draw Matteo out, and then left me behind like a stray dog.
And when Matteo found me, what was left of me, I wasn’t just broken.I was hollow.And the worst part?It wasn’t the scars, the emotional damage or months of physical recovery that gutted me.It was the fact that she had planned it and I never suspected a thing.Every word, every touch, every fucking kiss.She played me, watched me fall, and then simply walked away.
So now, as she stands here in the flesh smiling like this is some twisted reunion, I can barely hear her over the sound of my pulse crashing like waves in my ears.
She leans in closer, her face so close to mine I can smell the familiar scent of vanilla and wildflowers clinging to her skin.“I missed you, you know,” she says.“Missedus.”
Her gaze drags over me, slow and deliberate.Like she’s unwrapping the past between us piece by piece.“The way you moved...”she murmurs.“The way you looked at me when I gave orders.That flicker in your eyes when you thought I was watching.How your hands would tremble, just a little, right before you touched me.”
There were nights I couldn’t sleep without hearing her voice in my head, sharp as glass and low as sin.Nights where I could feel the echo of her breath against my skin, the taste of blood and command in her kiss.
She didn’t just touch me, she rewired me.Broke me open and stitched her name into the open wounds.And the worst part?For a while, I craved it.Back then, there were no lines.No right, no wrong.Just the missions and the raw pull of the fight.The heat between us felt more like a fuse than a flame.I let her lead because I wanted to follow her, until I realized I was never meant to make it out.
A smirk curls the corner of her mouth.“I doubt your little cabin girl ever got to see that side of you.She doesn’t belong in your world, Nikolai.She’s soft, sweet, and, oh, so breakable.”Her tone drips with mock concern.“Too delicate for a man like you.What does she know about blood and war?About what it means to really please someone like you?That little girl of yours,” she murmurs, voice curling around the words like smoke, “she doesn’t see you, Nikolai.Not really, not like I do.She thinks you’re some wounded animal she can tame with soft hands and tender glances.”
Her eyes flick down, then back up.“But I know the part of you that doesn’t flinch at blood.The part that breaks things just to see if they scream.The part that needs to be matched, not coddled.”She smiles, sweet and cruel.“Lila could never touch that side of you.Not like I can and you know it.”
For a second, I don’t move and don’t speak.Her voice drips into the cracks of old memories like acid, eating through the places I thought I’d sealed shut.She always knew where to dig, what nerve to press next.And this?This is the blade she’s always been best at twisting, reminding me of what I used to be before Matteo pulled me out of that goddamn pit.Before I ever learned how to want something clean.Somethingreal.
She thinks I’m still that man, that monster she helped mold with pain, praise, and promises she never planned to keep.And maybe part of me is, maybe part of me always will be.
But Lila?Lila sees the wreckage and stays.She walks into the fire without knowing where the exit is and still dares to love what could burn her.She doesn't want to own me, doesn't try to use me.Annalise will never understand that because people like her only know power when it's held by the tip of a knife, and I’m done being a weapon in someone else’s never ending war.
“You think she understands you?What you are?”she continues, laughing quietly.“She wouldn’t survive a day in the kind of world we built together.”
“Is that what this is?”I ask, voice low.“You lured me here just to reminisce?”
She tilts her head.“Iinvitedyou here to remind you of who you are.”Her smile turns soft.“You think that little plaything of yours is worth risking your life for?You think she’d still want you if she saw what I saw?If she knew the real you?”
Her eyes gleam as she takes another step, slow and deliberate.“I still have your tags, you know.From that night.The ones that were ripped from your neck while you were half-dead.I kept them.”A beat.“Under my pillow for months.”
Something in my gut twists.“And you really think Matteo rescued you after suddenly finding out where you were?”she breathes, her eyes narrowing.“You think he didn’t know where you were for that whole year?That he wasn’t waiting for you to break?Oh, Nikolai...”She steps close enough that I can smell her perfume, jasmine and steel.“He didn’t save you.He let me gut you first.”
I shake my head once, sharp, but she doesn’t stop.“You didn’t walk away from me,” she says, voice dropping to a rasp.“You walked exactly where I wanted you to.You think I haven’t been keeping track of you?”
She steps in close again, her eyes glittering.“Every job you took, every city you moved through, every name you took that wasn’t yours.You were never free of me, Nikolai.You were just walking the perimeter of a leash you didn’t know I left around your neck.”
I exhale through my nose, slow and controlled, but I can feel the heat rise in my throat.I refuse to give her the satisfaction of seeing me react.A long beat stretches between us as the wind kicks up across the roof, sharp, dry and ice cold.
Then I say it, my voice low and steady.“She’s not like you.”My gaze meets hers like steel on ice.“That’swhyshe matters more to me than you ever will.”Something in her expression shifts but I’m not finished.
“She doesn’t use pain to control people, doesn’t twist love into a weapon.”My voice roughens but I don’t break eye contact.“She looks at me like I’m worth saving, even when I know I’m not.And somehow ...she makes me want to be more than the monster you trained.”
A flicker of something carves through Annalise’s mask, something sharp and possessive.“She touches me like I’m not broken,” I push.“Not a project, not a pawn.Just a man.Justhers.”
I let the silence hang for a breath.Then finish with, “You couldneverdo that.Because you were too fucking busy trying to break me open and use me like a puppet.”
Annalise’s smile falters, just for a second.“She’ll never survive this world, Nikolai.Not like I did.Not like you did.Especially not with blood like hers.Do you honestly think she’s built for this?That being with you will save her rather than destroy her?”Her voice is cool now, a smirk playing on her lips.“She’s too soft, has a heart that’s too good for a ruined man like you.You’re going to hold onto her innocence so hard that you’ll drag her to the grave yourself.Maybe you want to believe that good conquers evil, that she’s the one who can save you from yourself but we both know that’s not reality.Not in our world.”
I don’t respond but I don’t look away either.Then she’s leaning back in, just slightly.Enough for me to feel the quiet threat in her words.“And being Matteo’s daughter?”Her eyes flash.“That makes itworse.I’ve made sure that she’s a prime target, a symbol of power.And believe me when I say that every power-hungry bastard in this game wants to be the one to own her.Kill me and there will be others.Kill them and there will be more.There’s no way to end this without me, Nikolai.”She lets the silence stretch, then delivers the final blow.
“Without me, she doesn’t stand a chance.Her life?It’s in my hands and mine alone.”Her hand lifts, palm open.“Come with me.Stand beside me again like you used to and I’ll keep her alive.Walk away?”Her smile returns, slow and cruel.“And you know exactly how this ends.”
The rooftop hums with tension.Annalise’s eyes gleam in the dim light.She’s too calm, too still.And that smile, the one that used to unravel me from the inside, is tighter now as the first crack of a footstep echoes behind us.
