Page 69 of To Love a Monster
Her boots are gone but the socks are damp, with one toe torn open.Her wrists are raw, her skin bruised from whatever restraint that sick fuck used.Her knuckles are also scraped and there’s blood under her fingernails.Her arms wrap around her middle like she’s holding herself together and the sight is enough to break me.
I’d hoped and prayed that I'd get her back before they could break her.Hell, I believed I'd succeeded when I found that the screaming on the rooftop was just a recording.But now I realize how stupid that was.Because itwasher voice.They recorded her pain, and I had no idea what they did to make her scream like that, but the possibilities made my blood boil.Suddenly the urge to rip Annalise apart piece by piece returns with such fury it’s hard to breathe.
The guilt rips through me like a clean tear and at first I can’t move, can’t fucking think.
I just stare at this broken, bleeding girl who’d once danced in the kitchen with paint on her nose, now silent and still and wearing agony like a second skin and it’s all my fault.I let myself believe we had time.I told myself she was untouchable because I would protect her.
Her face is pale beneath the grime and one cheek is filled with forming bruises.Her hair is damp from sweat, dirt clinging to the strands.And her eyes ...it’s like someone turned the lights off behind them.
“Lila.”Her name scrapes from my throat like it has claws.It’s only been hours since I last saw her.But standing here now, it feels like lifetimes have torn through us in the space between.
Her head lifts slowly and then her eyes lock onto mine.
“Nikolai...”she whispers, but before she can say anything else I close the distance between us and pull her into me.I wrap her up like I can make her whole again by simply holding her tight enough.Her skin is freezing beneath the stained fabric of her clothes as her arms come up, shaking and clinging to me like the world will end if she lets go.
“I didn’t know,” I breathe against her hair.“I didn’t fucking know they had eyes on me.I thought we had more time.I thought we were safe.If I’d known there was any risk at all, I never would've left you alone.”
She doesn’t say anything, but her grip tightens.A small, gasping sob escapes her throat and punches straight through my ribs.“I’m so fucking sorry, baby.”I whisper, pressing my forehead to her shoulder.“I should’ve been there.I should’ve—fuck.”
She shifts slightly, her voice a rasp.“It’s not your fault.I know you would’ve protected me if you knew.I don’t blame you.”I pull back and cup her face in both hands.She’s bruised, beautiful, and battered, but she’s alive.Her eyes fill with tears that don’t fall.Fuck, she’s so strong.
I don’t tell her everything that’s running through my mind.That maybe the closeness made her a bigger target.That falling for me could be the reason she gets killed.
It dawns on me then, that if I want to keep her alive, I can’t stay by her side.Not like this.Not until Annalise is dead and buried.If I stay, I’ll slip up again, and next time we might not be so lucky.She deserves a future free from the collateral damage of what I am.If I can finish this, end this threat once and for all, then maybe, just maybe, I can come back to her.Whole.Free.Worthy of her.If she’d still have me.
Either way, I need to stay focused.Annalise is no fool and the thought of Lila falling prey to her because I was too blind to notice the obvious signs of danger again absolutely kills me.More than knowing that in order to have any chance of a future with Lila, I need to step away.
The door opens behind us and I don’t need to look up to know who’s standing there.
Matteo steps inside quietly, seemingly unbothered by the emotional wreckage in front of him.
I should, but I don’t let her go.Not yet.My arms stay wrapped around her protectively and I press my forehead to hers.Her eyes meet mine and I just look at her, taking in every detail as I gently tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.Her skin is cold beneath my fingers, her breath shallow, but her eyes stay locked on mine like she’s afraid I’ll disappear.
“I’ll be back soon,” I promise her softly, "I just need to talk to Matteo.”She glances quickly at Matteo and nods, reluctant but silent.
Outside the room, Matteo waits with his arms crossed and his expression unreadable.We walk in silence through the narrow corridor, each step echoing against concrete and bulletproof glass.We move past reinforced doors and motion sensors, deeper into the bowels of the safehouse where the real war rooms lived.
The tactical den sits like a heart of cold logic, metal racks filled with guns line the wall behind a long table made of black and gold marble, the screen mounted on the wall is dark for now but ready to map out bloodshed at a moment’s notice.Cameras blink in the corners, and on the far wall, a silent monitor feeds a live view of the compound’s perimeter.
Matteo takes the chair at the far end of the table and I sit across from him, the space between us thick with unspoken words.
“I need to pull back,” I say quickly, before I can change my mind.“Let someone else take the job.”
Matteo’s brow lifts.“Why?”
“Because I let my emotions get the better of me,” I say, my voice low and frayed.“I let my fucking heart cloud my instincts.I did theonething I was trained never to do.I got too close, I got too caught up in her, and because of that I missed the signs.I didn’t see them watching.I didn’t feel the shift.Didn’t move when I should’ve.”
I drag a hand down my face.“If I hadn’t been so fucking distracted, I would’ve noticed.I would’ve caught it.But I didn’t and she’s the one who paid the price.”Matteo doesn’t speak.He just watches me like he’s measuring every breath I take.
“She almost died because I forgot who I am, Matteo.I can’t protect her if I’m standing right next to her, distracted by everything I feel.If she’s within reach, I won’t be able to think like the weapon she needs me to be.I’m afraid I’ll miss something again and that the next time I do, she’ll end up dead.She’s just not someone I’m prepared to risk.”
He’s quiet for a beat as he studies my face.Then finally he lights a cigarette and inhales deeply before leaning forward.“You’re not wrong, Nikolai.Your judgmentwascompromised.Your involvement could have amplified the danger because of Annalise’s involvement, but we don’t know that this wouldn’t have ended up the same way if you weren’t the one assigned to her anyway.The child was born into blood and destined to be a target if her identity was ever revealed.But what’s done is done.It’s too late to wonder about what ifs now and it’s definitely too late for replacements.She trusts you, she feels for you what you feel for her and Annalise knows that.Unfortunately, the damage has already been done.If we pull you now, it leaves her even more vulnerable than she already is.”
My chest cracks and my patience is wearing thin.“So what then?I already told you I won’t risk making the same mistake twice, Matteo.We need to do something different if we expect different results.”
“You can still hunt Annalise, but youwill notleave Lila.Nobody can protect her as well as you can.It’s why I assigned you to this mission in the first place.I don’t want anyone else on this job.”
“But, Matteo,” I say through clenched teeth, “if I let Annalise think her words on the rooftop got to me, that I’ve left Lila to protect her, she could take that as a sign that I’m considering her offer.She could think that I am looking for her to join her in exchange for saving Lila’s life.It gives me time to hunt down the ones involved while waiting for her to find me.And when she does, I’m going to fucking end her.”
