Page 42 of The Atonement
He folded his hands in front of him, his thumbs tapping nervously against his knuckles. “Okay, sure. What things?”
“Well, now that things have calmed down, I want you to know that…” I pinched my lips together, staring at the cup of tea. “You weren’t wrong before. What you said about me not being able to…you know.”
When I looked back up, his brows were an inch higher than before, his eyes wide. “I wasn’t?”
“Come on, you know you weren’t.” I rolled my eyes.
“It’s nice to get a confirmation.”
“You’re my husband, Peter. The father of my children. Of course I love you. How could I not? I should’ve… I was hurt by what happened. I was hurt about…her. And I was vulnerable in a way I’ve never been vulnerable with you. I was trying, actively trying, and it felt like you weren’t.”
“I know,” he said, reaching for my hand. I didn’t budge. After a moment, he withdrew the gesture. “Everything with Joanna was a mistake. I love you, Ainsley. I love you so much. And I took you for granted, I know that. You were willing to give me everything, to changefor me, and I still couldn’t see what I had right in front of me. I’m sorry for that. But don’t you think we can still work it out? Is there even a chance we can fix this?”
“I don’t think so, Peter,” I told him, spinning the cup in place on the table with one hand. “I… I think I’ve done all I can do.”
“You don’t have to do anything. You’re perfect. I’ll do it all.”
I held up a hand. “Just…stop. Please. We’ve been down this road too many times. The bottom line is that we’re dangerous for each other. We both deserve better—”
He shook his head wildly. “That’s not true—”
“I love you, Peter. I will always love you. I wish it hadn’t come down to this. I wish there was any other way, but there isn’t.” To my surprise, tears stung my eyes. “We have to move on, both of us, and the only way to do that is to get through this. It’s the hardest part, but we have to.”
He looked down, keeping his eyes trained on his coffee. “I…don’t want that.”
“I know. I don’t either. But it’s what’s best for everyone involved.”
“The kids?” When he looked back up at me, his eyes glistened with tears.
“Especially the kids.”
“I love them.” The first tear fell, and he brushed it away.
“I know that.Theyknow that.”
“Then how can this be the right thing?”
“Sometimes…even people who love each other aren’t meant to be together. For various reasons. Personalities, timing… It just doesn’t work between us. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of fighting.”
He was silent for a moment. “There has to be another way.”
“I don’t think there is. I’m going to take care of them, Peter. You know I will. I’ll make sure they have good lives, I promise you.”
“And what? I just… I justdisappear?” His voice was too loud. The couple sitting three tables down eyed us suspiciously, and Peter stood.
I stood up too, trying to get him to calm down. “I never said that. Maybe we can come up with a new sort of arrangement. Where the kids can see you a few times a month. We can come and visit.”
“Come from where?”
“Sit down, please. This is just a conversation.” I gestured toward the seat and, when he finally took it, I sat down as well.
“Come and visit from where, Ainsley?” He repeated, not looking at me. “Where are you planning to go?”
“Wherever we’ll be living at the time. I haven’t decided anything yet.”
“But I get no say in this?” He covered his mouth with his palm, then let it fall away, his eyes unfocused. “Is that really what you want?”
“I’m trying to be civil here, Peter. Short of us coming home and pretending nothing’s changed, what can I give you that you want? I won’t try to take any money, or any part of Lae Haer—”
