Page 44 of The Atonement
Yes, that’s exactly what I thought.
I didn’t say that. Instead, I said, “Well, if that’s how you want to go about this, then I guess I’ll hire one, too.”
“Guess so.”
“This is only going to make things harder on the kids. You realize that, right?”
“So move home and let’s call it all off. If you are really thinking about the kids, that’s what you’ll do.”
In his eyes, I saw the challenge. I tapped my phone screen, checking the time. Nearly an hour had passed since I’d called him. Since our meeting started.
Had anything been accomplished in that time?
“That’s not an option,” I said finally.
“Well, call my lawyer, then,” he said, pushing up from the table to stand once again.
“Where are you going?” I stood, too, hurrying after him as he crossed the crowded coffee shop and shoved the door open. “Peter, wait!” I called, trying to keep my voice down as we stepped out onto the busy sidewalk. I moved aside as a group of young women scurried past us, laughing loudly at a joke we hadn’t heard. “Wait!” I shouted, grabbing his arm.
“Wait for what?” He spun around, tearing his armaway from me. “What could you possibly want me to wait for? What could we possibly still have to talk about?”
“I—” I tried to think, tried to find something I could say that would make sense.
“Unless you don’t want me to leave,” he offered, the anger dissipating from his voice.
“We aren’t done talking.”
“Oh, I think we are.” He turned away from me again.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I blurted out, grabbing his arm again.
When he turned to face me, the smug grin on his face was enough to make me sick. “I knew it.”
“Don’t make this a thing.”
“Why don’t you want me to leave, Ainsley? Because you love me?”
“I’m…” I couldn’t lie. “It’s hard to walk away.”
“Then don’t.” He closed the space between us in an instant, gathering up my hands in his. “Don’t do this. Please.” He lifted our hands to his lips and kissed my fingers. “I love you. I love our family. We can fix this.Youcan fix this. You fix everything else. Please fix this.”
I was silent for a moment, trying to think. It was all too much. The conflicting emotions, the panic, the fear. The anger. “Can…can we go for a drive?”
He pulled the keys from his pocket triumphantly and jutted his head toward our SUV across the street. “Sure. Of course.”
I followed him to the vehicle with apprehension, stillnot sure it was the best idea, but it was the only idea I had.
He opened my door for me, waiting until I was inside before shutting it. Once he was in his seat, he locked the doors. I swallowed, gripping the door with sweating palms.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
“Now then, where to?” He started the SUV with a smile plastered on his lips. Would I ever be able to feel normal with him again? He pulled out of the parking space and outstretched his hand, waiting for me to place mine in his waiting palm.
When I did, he rubbed his thumb across my knuckles slowly, reminding me of the many times he’d done that to keep me calm. During labor with the kids, during a scary movie, during a particularly stressful dinner with my parents.
Once, Peter had been loving.
