Page 164 of Faking the Pass
Looking back on that morning in court now, I could see that I’d been so freaked out over Randy’s threats, I’d plunged into fight-or-flight mode—with both feet.
Unfortunately, I’d chosen flight instead of staying to fight for what Presley and I had together.
“Maybe you’re right, but I messed it up,” I said to Elka. “I got scared and gave up on us. I’m the one who ended it, saying it was for the best.”
Going back to my favorite justification, I said, “Maybe it was. His career has thrived without me.”
Her face softened in sympathy. “I walked away from some good guys myself because of fear.”
“You did?”
“Oh yeah. Anyone who had potential to actually be something real, anyone who made me feel vulnerable, they had to go,” she said, hooking a thumb over her shoulder.
“And who knows, maybemycareer thrived because of it?”
She waved a hand toward the mansion, which was perfect in every way.
“But you know what? I’m living in this big old house alone. And I’mtiredof being alone. I wouldn’t even admit that to myself until recently.”
I was riveted, nodding as she continued.
“But I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself the last year or two and finally noticed my pattern,” she said, “which has done nothing but keep me isolated and full of regrets. I not only hurt those men by holding myself back and eventually leaving, I hurt myself by keeping my walls up. Extreme independence is a trauma response, you know.”
A lance of self-recognition pierced my heart.
“So what are you doing differently now?” I asked.
She smiled.
“I’ve decided mynewpolicy is going to be choosing faith instead of fear. You wouldn’t be sitting here otherwise.”
“I chose faith when deciding to hire you for this film,” Elka said. “That’s what I plan to do next time I meet one of the good guys. I’m going to have faith in him, but more importantly, faith in myself that I’menoughto keep him and not spend the whole time I’m with him waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m going to choose to believe thereisno shoe and let myself be fucking happy for a change.”
I was stricken by the suspicion I’d done the wrong thing in surrendering to my own fear and leaving Presley before he could leave me.
My lack of faith had caused me more pain than I’d ever felt before, even when Randy had deceived me. Even when I’d lost my mom.
This time there was no one to blame but myself.
“I made the wrong choice, didn’t I?”
Elka shrugged. “Only you can say for sure. What does your intuition tell you?”
Just then a very clear internal YES ricocheted through my brain. It was so loud I almost wondered if Elka had heard it too.
“I didn’t invite a plus-one to the Academy Awards,” I said. “But I’m about to. I just hope I can reach him in time.”
“And if you can’t?” she asked.
“Then I’ll choose faith over fear and fly to Rhode Island the day after the Oscars and talk to him in person.”
“That’s my Lucilla,” Elka said. “There’s a reason you read that book so many times. I think you were gathering inspiration and courage to rewrite your own story… and save your own damn self.”
Chapter 41
Off Script
Rosie
