Page 38 of I'll Be There
“You blew a circuit. I saw the darkness and reset it—but I had no idea you were locked in here. I’m so sorry. I went to the courthouse to meet Ivy. I should have checked on you. Are you...are you having a panic attack?”
Liza managed to push herself up to a sitting position. She appeared crazy, even to herself. Now, judging by Grace’s face, yeah, she had completely overreacted... Talk about blowing a circuit.
“I—I’m a little freaked out by the dark.” But the explanation seemed so frail against the truth, so... “Actually, every time I close my eyes, I see...the...” She folded her hands together, forced herself to be calm. “I’m still having nightmares about the attack. I’m not sleeping well, and...maybe I’m just tired.”
“Oh, Liza.” Grace touched her hands. “You must be so stressed. Planning a wedding is overwhelming enough—to not be sleeping...you must be exhausted.” Then she looked at Liza with such compassion, Liza couldn’t help it—
She pressed her hands over her eyes, took a breath, and fought a shaky sob. “I...just want it all to be over. To be married already and not have to be so afraid all the time. I keep thinking that if Conner is there, maybe...maybe I’ll be able to sleep.”
Grace nodded.
“But see, that’s the problem. He’s a smoke jumper and he’s gone—most of the summer. And I know that he wants me to move out to Montana with him, but I just don’t think I can. Being there, being alone while he gets called out? I...but then I suggested staying here this summer, and...I don’t know. I hate being away from him...”
Now, shoot, she was crying. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not a victim—I’m a survivor. I hate being weak.”
Grace stared at her as if stricken. “You’re not weak, Liza. And youarea survivor. But you were traumatized. It’s reasonable to be freaking out about going back to Montana. Have you talked to Conner about this?”
“That’s the problem. He was so undone by the attack. Barely left the hospital, camped out for a month during rehab. And then...I don’t know. I think he feared something happening to me again and...maybe that’s why he proposed.”
“You don’t really think that.”
“I think Conner would do anything to keep the people he loves safe.”
“And you proved your words. People he loves. Person he loves. You.”
Liza sighed. “I know. I just wonder...maybe I’m not ready to get married. He has a life in Montana. Mine is here. And that’sthe problem. Maybe we’re too old to get married. Maybe we’re too set in our ways. All these disasters—maybe it’s God telling us to pack it up. Stop trying so hard to make something happen that isn’t...isn’t right. Perfect.”
“Stop. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be right.”
“I know. But I was perfectly fine before I met Conner—”
“Of course you were. But you’re even better with him, right?”
Liza drew in a breath. “He...he makes me feel brave. And beautiful. And he...he wants me.”
Grace smiled.
“Not like that—or notjustlike that, but...he wantsme.”
“Of course he does. That’s the point. He wants you. And you wanthim. And mutually, you’re better people because of the fact that you are wanted. Needed. Cherished.”
Grace took her hand. “God loves marriage. He uses it to symbolize the bride and the church...His relationship with us. How He desires us, and how we respond to Him. We come to Him, but Heruns after us. God is constantly meeting our needs, even as we surrender to Him. Trust Conner enough to tell him your needs.”
“He needs the Liza he knew—capable. Independent. Strong.”
“If you don’t let him see the Liza you are now, you’ll never allow him to be the husband he should be to you. The one who protects you.”
“I don’t need protecting—”
Grace raised an eyebrow. “Marriage is about protecting each other. He protects you—physically, emotionally. And you offer him the protective comfort and support he needs to do that. But you do need to be honest with him, Liza. Let him show you how much he loves you by showing him the Liza you are now.”
And that was just it, wasn’t it? He’d fallen in love with a different Liza than the one who would meet him at the altar. She simply didn’t know if he could love that version of herself.
Frankly, she didn’t think she could love it, either. Perhaps that was the problem. She didn’t like the Liza she’d become.
Once upon a time, she trusted herself, listened to herself. Didn’t feel brittle, jumpy, and, well, exhausted.
She wanted herself back.
