Page 53 of Collin: Episodes 10-12
“I appreciate sexuality. Watching him edge you that first time was exquisite. I didn’t want to touch you, then, necessarily, but it was arousing to watch and also sexual for me because Richard was involved. Demisexuality is a subtle thing, and it falls on a spectrum, like most sexuality. Richard says I like to play everything on a spectrum and I won’t pick a side. I simply do not understand why everyone else makes those boxes when they don’t exist.”
“Is that what it feels like to be bi, sir?”
“Oh, partially. I’m much more of a switch than he is, so that also enhances the situation.”
“But if I never want to top you, sir, is that okay?”
“Yes, Collin. I’m with you for what you are. I don’t pick partners from a catalog like puzzle pieces to fit my urges. I’m not drawn to you because I want you to top me or ever dominate me; quite the opposite. Though you will find if we were in your realm of expertise, for example, parking cars or setting up a fish tank, I would defer to you and expect your leadership.”
Collin laughed, surprising himself. “I think I would take it, sir. I’d want it done right.”
“And I would enjoy it because confidence and competence are attractive.” Mr. Moreau smiled down at Collin in a way that was altogether not rated for general audiences.
He squeezed Collin’s thigh. “I need time. Ritual. Not chaste courtship, but certainly intention and progression. I build foundation in my relationships from the beginning. I don’t do sex and then go back and find out if our lives are compatible. To me, that has always seemed a strange practice.”
“Lots of people seem to think the sex needs to be compatible, sir, and then they check to see if the getting-along-with-each-other part will work out. My mom’s friend called it driving the car before buying it.”
Mr. Moreau shook his head. “But one spends much more of one’s life outside of intercourse than in it.”
“I’m not arguing, sir. I mean, I barely had sex before coming here. But…I do need something.”
“Tell me. This is part of ritual, Collin. Telling each other our needs.”
Collin squeezed his hands into fist. “I need something to hold onto. I need to know, while we’re building this foundation, that I’m safe, that I’m not going anywhere.”
“Does cuddling like this help with that?”
Yes! Collin nodded but bit his lip, too. “Is it bad that I need more, sir? I need to be needed. It feels good when I’m helping Ash or doing something for Mr. Reevesworth in the office. The hardest things any of you have asked me to do was be a kitten and do nothing.”
“Until we distracted you enough and embarrassed you and wore you out.” Mr. Moreau grinned.
Collin’s cheeks flamed. “Even that was kind of the same, sir. Because you made me understand that being embarrassed for you was giving you something. If you weren’t enjoying whatever was embarrassing me, it wouldn’t be arousing. I’d just hate it. It would be terrible. I don’t think I want to be a kitten for anyone else or, at least, not without you or Mr. Reevesworth present to enjoy it. Maybe Damian for the cuddling. He needs touch. Lots of touch.”
“He does. And he’s not been getting enough of it.”
“Why doesn’t Mr. Reevesworth give him more? Am I in the way?”
“No. Not at all. He’s getting more cuddling now that you’re here. Damian’s story is his to tell, but he started pulling back about two years ago, taking on more independence and putting up more distance. It aligned with him taking on more responsibility as a partner in his firm. I’m guessing it has been part of his journey to discover himself as a dominant.”
Mr. Moreau’s explanation was probably true, but it was also kind of idiotic, the way social pressure made apparent dunces out of so many smart people. “Dominants can get touch from each other. You and Mr. Reevesworth do.”
“Yes, but we didn’t get here overnight or without a long series of choices, challenges, and changes. Franklin was there for much of it, guiding and advising us. We were submissives to him together even though we were also together, which made touching and cuddling each other easier. Just because someone understands intellectually that a dominant person still requires touch, companionship, and comfort doesn’t mean that they’ll actually follow through on that understanding when they start to step into that role, especially when there’s overwhelming social pressure and earlier childhood conditioning to the opposite.”
“So, you’re saying that even though Damian knows things, that Mr. Reevesworth has probably addressed them with him, that he might have difficulty living it because he hasn’t practiced it from the position of meeting his own needs while being a dominant yet?”
Mr. Moreau nodded. “Precisely. Being an experienced submissive doesn’t mean you have the skills to be a responsible dominant immediately. You’ll have a lot of knowledge, but you still don’t know how you’ll feel when you have someone under you, suffering for you, or serving you. It’s not just actions but your own internal stance that has to be developed.”
“The same goes for being submissive to a new partner. You might have been an excellent submissive to one person, but it doesn’t mean those same behaviors and habits translate well to a new relationship.” Mr. Moreau lifted Collin’s hand to his lips and kissed the back of his palm. “This is why we need a period of courting, pet, a period of discourse, and ritual. What about our relationship drew you to me in the beginning?”
“Cooking.” Collin’s chest lit up just thinking about it, and he wiggled around to a new position so he could talk with his hands. “When we made the profiteroles together, though I guess that’s baking, but also when we cooked dinners. I liked watching your hands, how you prepare things and present them. And your voice, telling me what to do, explaining what’s happening. And the silences. The silences are easy.” His hands fell into his lap. That was just how easy silences were with Mr. Moreau. Restful.
Mr. Moreau retrieved Collin’s hand and kissed it again. “I enjoy cooking with you. You’re a quick study and attentive assistant. Shall I tell you what attracted me to you?”
“Please, sir.”
Mr. Moreau gazed down at Collin, watching his hands trace invisible lines over Collin’s skin. “You were, and are, so earnest. Even when you struggle to communicate, that earnestness is still there. You appreciate beauty. You care about it. From design to color. I know I can share my love of balance, flow, and elegance with you. When I show you something, it doesn’t stop at the surface. You see it, and you see what I love in it. Your eyes close when you taste food, and you breathe in before you take a drink.”
Collin swallowed. Mr. Moreau had noticed all this about him? No, not merely noticed but made note.
