Page 48 of Our Big White Lie
“I assume that’s the disapproving granny?” He tilted his head subtly in her direction.
My back was to her, so I just asked, “Is she glaring at you?”
His brow furrowed, and he drew away from his husband as he grimaced. “Kind of looks like she’s trying to kill you with her mind, baby.”
Marco grinned and wrapped an arm around Derrick. “If she does, I’m taking you with me.”
“No! No!” Derrick squirmed out of his grasp. “I’m here for cake, not old lady hex magic.”
Ava and I were both giggling. So was Marco. Derrick kept a straight face, but his eyes were sparkling.
“So.” Marco clapped, then rubbed his hands together. “Are we ready to rehearse?”
My humor instantly vanished, and a rock took my stomach’s place. Oh, crap. It was time, wasn’t it? We were doing this.
Apparently my shock didn’t register on my face, because Marco barreled on. He was carrying a small bag, and from that, he pulled out printed copies of the ceremony we’d all agreed on.
“Why don’t you two look that over and make sure nothing has changed?”
In silence, Ava and I skimmed the pages. There were no surprises or anything—it was the exact text we’d finalized a couple of weeks ago. But tomorrow’s date was written across the top. Where there’d been placeholders before, our names were printed now. I could almost hear Marco reading all these words, and I could hear Ava reciting her part. I could hear myself…
God, could Idothis? Could I really hold her hands and look in her eyes and smile as I said all those things about ’til death do we part and in sickness and in health?
Could I say them, knowing it was all a lie? Because as I read them again and again… I wanted tomeanthem.
I wanted Ava to mean them.
But that wasn’t why we were here, and it wasn’t what we were doing, and suddenly everyone was taking their places to run through the processional and ceremony. Oh shit. We were doing this? Not actually for real, but also, in a way… for real? Because we’d be doing it all and saying it all in front of our friends and family, with no one knowing the truth except the two of us, Marco, and any higher power who happened to be watching.
What the hell am I doing?I stole a glance at Ava.Would you still want to do this if you knew I wanted to do more than pantomime marrying you?
But that was stupid. We hadn’t even dated. We’d just…
Lived together.
Been there for each other through the best and worst times in our lives.
Leaned on each other.
Shared our deepest fears and biggest dreams and darkest secrets and silliest fantasies.
“How exactly are you two not dating?”my older brother had asked a lifetime ago.“Like if you were dating, whatspecificallywould you be doing differently?”
I’d answered him jokingly, but now his question burrowed deep beneath my skin.
What would be different? Physical intimacy, of course. I had no idea what that would be like with Ava.
My lips tingled, and I pressed them together as the memory of her kiss raised goose bumps along my spine. No, I had no idea what sex with Ava would be like, but if her kiss was any indication…
God, Iwantedto know.
But I didn’t, and I wasn’t going to, and I would be saying “I do” with my fingers crossed tomorrow even though I really fucking did. Going through these motions carved an icy void into the pit of my stomach. Walking down the aisle together. Standing at the altar. Reciting the vows. We were just practicing for now—just running through the ceremony so it would be smooth tomorrow—but it was almost the real thing.
The real wedding that wasn’t actually real.
Where I’d pretend to marry the woman I loved.
The woman I really, truly, honestly loved, but somehow I had to?—
