Page 49 of Our Big White Lie
“Tori?” Ava inclined her head. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m…” I laughed nervously as heat rushed into my face and bile tried to climb the back of my throat. “Just a lot of pressure.”
She smiled and squeezed my hands. “It’s just the rehearsal. No pressure right now.”
Easy for you to say.
“I think I just need a drink.” I gestured around us at all the decorations we’d helped arrange. “It’s been a day!”
Her easy laugh made my balance waver.
Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?
My head was spinning so fast, I almost missed her saying, “I could use some water myself.” She clapped her hands in the air. “All right, everyone! Take a break!”
No one objected, and I was grateful for a chance to catch my breath and wet my parched throat.
It wasn’t enough, though. I still couldn’t get my thoughts in order and reconcile what we were doing with what I wanted. It wasn’t that I’d suddenly developed an aversion to pretending we were getting married. It was that pretending to get married to Ava shined a very harsh light on some feelings I’d been trying desperately to ignore. It didn’t matter that I’d resolved to tell herafter everything had wound down. It didn’t matter that we were doing this for reasons that were bigger than us.
Now I was suddenly looking down the barrel of actually saying “I do,” and I wasn’t so sure I did. Not like this.
I don’t want to say “I do” to make your mom happy.
I want to say “I do” to you.
I want tomeanit.
Damn it. There was no turning back, though. Not without hurting Ava. Not without hurting Gail. Not without doing damage I wasn’t sure I could undo.
But going forward—couldn’t that also do the same damn thing?
I needed to think. I needed someair.
Right then, Ava was talking with her mom and aunt, so I slipped outside to the courtyard. There wasn’t enough air out here either, but it would have to do. I walked the flagstone paths and took some long, deep breaths, willing myself to get my shit together. It was too late to back out of this, but I was in too deep to go through with it. What was I supposed to do with that? Was there even any point in telling Ava what was on my mind? Because there was no going back to normal after I said “I’m in love with you.” There just wasn’t.
The chatter of people amplified inside the venue for a moment, then was muffled again—the door must’ve opened and then closed. There were footsteps out here now, so I wasn’t alone anymore. Damn it.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I set my shoulders back. The last thing I needed was someone—anyone—seeing me this close to falling apart.
“Tori?” The sound of Marco’s voice gave me a sense of both relief and dread. He wouldn’t judge me or give me shit for being a mess right now, but he’d probably talk some sense into me that I wasn’t ready to hear.
Steeling myself, I turned around. I had no idea what he saw in my expression, but he halted, his lips parting. Even the plastic devil horns on his head couldn’t make me laugh.
After a moment, Marco sighed and came closer, enveloping me in a bear hug without a word. I always struggled to keep my composure when he hugged me while I was in a bad place, and tonight was no exception. I fought it anyway, though, because I didn’t want to explain to anyone—least of all Ava or Gail—why my eyes were red and my makeup was smeared.
“Talk to me,” Marco said gently. “What’s going on?”
I exhaled and drew back from his embrace as the truth poured out: “I don’t know if I can do this.”
He didn’t seem the least bit surprised. “I figured.”
Good thing I’d spilled my guts to him before and wouldn’t have to explain a thing to him. Instead, I could just cut to the chase: “What do I do?”
He studied me for a long moment. I hated when he was this serious. I mean, I loved it—he was a dear, trusted friend for a reason—but when we weren’t snarking at each other, that meant thingshadto be serious. It meant serious things were happening that had to be dealt with seriously.
“Tori. Listen to me.” Marco put his hands on my shoulders and looked right in my eyes. “I know you wanted to make this dream come true for Ava’s mom, but you’re here too. You’re part of this. You have feelings, and they matter.”
“But they really don’t,” I whispered. “I can’t just bail now. Not with…” I flailed a hand toward the venue. “I can’t… There’s no way…” My shoulders dropped beneath an unseen weight, and I couldn’t hold back the tears as I admitted, “I can’t do this.”
