Page 12 of How is This My Life?
I turned away, feeling the emotions swirling inside of me. I was trying to breathe, to not lose my shit in the middle of a venue, a job. I saw the other bartender coming in behind the bar with a full crate of liquor bottles and two cases of beer on top. I took the cases and set them on the cooler. The other bartender started putting them in there, while I grabbed two bottles of vodka and slunk off to one of the guestrooms. I needed a little bit of time away from all the shit.
I wasn’t planning on drinking, but in case I needed a little courage to come back out and face the woman who was even more beautiful than I remembered, who’d had my child I threw away. I was trying to breathe. I texted my cousin that she was here, my sponsor, and even called to leave a message for my therapist. I waited, the pain of the future I’d so carelessly thrown away, crushing me. My phone was silent while the voice in my head was loud. It was telling me to drink, that I’d feel better once I had a little in me. I’d be calmer. I’d be able to handle the situation out there.
So, I did.
I don’t remember much after I cracked the first bottle.
Not until the next morning.
My cousin told me he should fire me because he would do that for any other person who worked here.
“I’m not going to, though. But you should know, this is your last shot. I had to cover the full cost for the gig last night. That’s coming out of your pay until it’s fully paid off.” I nodded my head gingerly, the throbbing from the movement and the way it felt like I was getting seasick told me I’d more than overindulged and that I was going to be working hard to get back to where I was before. So, after that? I cleaned myself up. Again.I worked hard, eventually checked into an inpatient rehab when I would hear things about Elise and her new life.
I tossed money down on the table, more than enough to cover the cost of the date. My cousin and I had partnered up two years ago, and career-wise, my life was on track. But my dating life, my sex life, were pretty much non-existent. I stood up, straightening my jacket, and turned to walk out of the restaurant. Just as I was about to reach the front door, I heard it. I heard her.
Her laugh.
I forced myself to walk forward, not to look for her. I put my head down and kept walking. Three steps later, I bumped into the woman herself. She tripped over my foot, and I stuck my hand out, catching her. That fucking best man was there, with her and Tennley, and another little face. When I righted her, she didn’t look like she recognized me, but I knew it was her.
She was older, but every bit as beautiful. She was heavily pregnant, but I noticed my heart didn’t hurt nearly as badly as I thought it would. I didn’t get the urge to drink when I saw her. I didn’t get that strong pain that felt like it was ripping me apart, bit by bit, fiber from fiber, from deep inside of me.
“Thanks, I’ve got her.” I looked at the best man, who very clearly hadn’t forgotten who I was, and nodded.
Then, I watched them walk into the restaurant. Almost a full family of five. I held the door open for them, and my daughter smiled up at me.
“Thank you,” she smiled at me, looking almost identical to her mother, before running up and launching herself with a shout. “Catch me, Daddy!”
I let the door handle fall from my fingers as I figuratively closed the door on that part of my life.
I still didn’t know how this was my life. But I was going to try to make the best of it.
