Page 5 of Emily's Moments
*Flashback*
The doctor came out of the double doors, and I stood, hopeful, with that look of pity on his face. I knew. I knew before he even said anything. He stood before me and told me they did everything they could. Alex had developed a blood clot after his emergency surgery following his accident, and it traveled to his lungs. There was nothing else they could do. They tried everything they could think of, but he was gone. I stared at the man in front of me. Telling me my husband was gone. I felt frozen.
The feeling in my legs went out. I fell back into the chair behind me. The doctor tried to talk to me more, but I wasn’t able to hear anything he was saying to me. He was gone. Alex was gone. I had no one now. He was my everything. He was my life. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? How do I do this? Do I have to call our lawyer? Where do I get him from? I have so many questions, and I have no one there to help me get through this.
What do I have? I have work…and that’s it. What do I do now? How do I do this? I’m only thirty-one. We promised for life, till death do us part, but I have to keep on living. Without him. Where do I go from here?
“I’m very sorry for your loss.” The doctor said, walking away after patting my hand like I was some sad little puppy who’d lost its owner. Like, it was just another day, same old, same old. Like, it was just a bad day at the office for him. I stayed seated. Not sure where to go or what to do.
Snapping out of the memories, I saw Parker talking to the doctor. I took one step towards them, out of the group of loved ones around me. Parker and the doctor look up at me. The doctor hung his head, and they both walked over towards me.
“How is he?” My voice was trembling, but still sounded stronger than I thought. It was silent in the room, all of them waiting for news of Jefferson. I was fidgeting with my fingers, waiting for someone to say something. The doctor took a deep breath, and then he dropped the bomb. The earth-shattering, life-changing news that I never wanted to hear again. I watched his mouth open in slow motion, and the silence in that moment was so loud that I thought I’d gone deaf.
“I’m very sorry, Mrs. Patel. We did everything we could…” He continued talking, but I couldn’t hear anything. My heart broke as I heard someone screaming ‘no’ over and over, and I agreed with them. I was feeling the same way; I couldn’t believe it. My knees gave out. I was sobbing and crying on the floor of the surgery waiting room. My husband, the other half of my soul, was gone.
He left me.
“He fought hard, Emily. They didn’t expect him to make it this long,” Parker crouched down next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
“Come on, Mom. Beckam went to grab all our stuff from the room in the ICU. Let’s get you home.”
Home? My home was gone. I didn’t have a home anymore. My home was no longer here. No longer anywhere on this earth. How did you go back to somewhere like that? To a place that went from a home because of who lived there, to just aplace? My girls picked me up off the floor. Parker held me up on one side. Atlas was on the phone with someone.
“He’s making all the phone calls, so you don’t have to call anyone. We can get you back to either our house or Raven’s, and you can take a nice bubble bath and sleep.” I looked at him. Not ready to face a house full of kids, wanting to be alone to wallow and drown in my grief. I wanted to sleep on his side of the bed. I wanted to wrap myself in his smell.
“Couldn’t I just go to my house? I want to smell him. I want to sleep in our bed again.” Tears welled up in my eyes. I was going to sob harder if I couldn’t be as close to him as I could in the only way I had left. He was gone. I just wanted to feel as close to him as I could.
“You can. I’ll stay in one of the guest rooms. We have to talk about some stuff tomorrow morning anyway.” Atlas said, very matter-of-factly. I just nodded as we turned to head out of the hospital. They walked me out to their vehicles, their arms around me, holding me up like I was a puppet that would fall without the strings to keep up moving. All our stuff that was in his hospital room was packed in with Kai and Parker. They ushered me into the SUV, buckling me in as I stared off, out into nowhere. The girls hugged me tightly, promising to come by tomorrow after we’ve talked. Raven hugged me the hardest and longest. Jefferson was the closest thing to a father that she was going to get. I knew Beckam was going to have her. She had lost her dad tonight. Beckam had always put her above whatever else was going on, but I still hugged her back as tightly as I could.
We took off, dropping us off at the house before Parker, Kai’s partner, drove home.
Walking into the house, I was expecting to still see him. And I could. I saw him cooking in the kitchen and setting thetable. I saw him walking towards me to kiss me after a long day and wrap me in a giant hug. His hugs were the best. I always felt so safe and loved and wanted in those strong arms. I saw him sitting on the couch, lifting the blanket, waiting for me to slide in next to him for our movie nights. I made my way upstairs to our room. I walked in. My nose tingling, my eyes burning with tears.
It was just how we had left it that morning. The sheets were carelessly tossed after the eventful morning we had exploring each other and wishing the other the best day. His book was still open on his nightstand to the page he was reading. My heart shattered as I noticed the little details. The tiny things that this made this place my haven, my sanctuary.
His reading glasses, set on the page as a bookmark. His slippers, on his side of the room. His “Handsome” mug that held his morning tea, sitting on the dresser, had a note tucked underneath. The note he made me promise to read together that night. He was so playful when he said it, kissing me like he hated walking away from me before he was even gone from my side. Kai followed quietly behind me, not entering, but stopping at the door just in case I needed him.
“Are you hungry? I could run a bath for you if you wanted?” I just shrugged, tears flowing down my face as I looked at proof of the love and life we’d shared, not knowing what to do anymore. He brought the bags I had at the hospital in, setting them just inside the door. I put our pillows back on the bed, sitting on his side. I stroked his pillow and the picture of us on our wedding day. Tears streaked my face as I thought about that day. I laid down on the bed, wrapping myself around his pillow, crying as I thought about the happiest day of my life, on the saddest day of my life.
Our wedding day.
That was a happy memory. We had a small ceremony and reception with just our family. It was a destination wedding, one we’d been talking on and off about for a few months. We had spent two weeks in the Bahamas on a family vacation, and decided to tie the knot on the beach one night. We’d asked the hotel to help us get it organized the day before.
They had a dinner set up on the beach for us and our family. They found someone who could marry us that day. We applied for a marriage license before the trip, thinking that we’d go to Vegas after we got back and elope there. WithElvismarrying us in a rented ’57 Chevy. But something about being there, with our family, in our little bubble, our own world, was perfect. The girls and I found a beautiful white dress for me. The rest of the family went out and made sure they had white shirts and khaki pants for the guys. The girls were all in pretty white sundresses, like their moms. I was the only one with a little bit of a fancier dress. The one I picked was a white lace, knee-length boho-beach dress. Jefferson was standing there, with our family standing on both sides of the aisle, waiting for me. Stormi brought down her Bluetooth speaker and played “Lover of Mine” by Louyah as I walked towards him.
Tears filled my eyes as I listened to the lyrics because that was exactly how I loved him, and how he loved me. Forever, completely, wholly. Bone-deep, soul-touching love.
Tears kept falling as I remembered that day, the emotions I felt that day. How perfect it was. The promises we made. When we danced with our kids and grandkids on the beach. As we ate dinner and laughed together. It was perfect. It was a day I never wanted to end. I reached for our wedding picture, hugging it to my chest, wishing I could go back to that moment.
Closing my eyes, I begged to have more time with him. To go back to that moment and love him more, better. To be able to tell him a million times a day that I loved him until he was annoyed with me. I just wanted more time. I didn’t know how to do this life without him anymore. I heard Kai shutting off the water in the bathroom.
“I drew you a bath. You don’t have to get in,” I opened my eyes to look at him. He was closer than I thought. He was kneeling next to the bed to talk to me, “I’m going to make some soup, and then I’ve got some legal stuff to take care of. He had me as his lawyer, so I’m just going to get started taking care of all that. I don’t want you to have to try to do that too.”
I nodded. Closing my eyes again.
I wanted to go back.
I want you here, Jefferson. Why did you leave me?
