Page 89 of Anywhere with You
“Like living here. After owning your own home, after sharing your space for so many years. Do you think you’ll be okay with this?” She gestured back to the apartment that was, thanks to her, mostly unpacked.
I looked toward the apartment, to Badger’s face pressed against the glass door, to the balcony and the beautiful view, then to Cara. “I think I do like it. I think I should’ve made the move a long time ago.”
“Making the moves—” Cara stopped herself, as though she’d realized it was, maybe, a joke she shouldn’t make.
“What about you?” I asked quickly.
Cara shrugged one shoulder, turning back to look out over the park. “I don’t know about me. I think…I think I’m happy, actually. Is that strange? This whole year has been…let’s sayturbulent. Because it’s been bad and good, both, but never calm. I think I’m looking forward to some calm.”
I nodded slowly, absorbing her words. “Calm sounds incredible.”
“Doesn’t it? It’s iced tea and a blues band and a sunset. It’s hard to get more perfect than that.”
She grinned, and I saw every wrinkle beside her eyes, the lift of her cheeks, the glimpse of her teeth, all so familiar and so new, and all I wanted in the world was for her to have a hundred thousand calm evenings and a million perfect smiles, and if she wanted me there, too, I’d be there, but more than anything—God, more thananything—I wanted her to be able to sayI think I’m happyevery day for the rest of her life.
But I didn’t know how to say any of that. So instead, I told her about everything that was new with Strings & Things, about Badger’s upcoming vet appointment to get a rabies booster shot, and about how my mother had tried to sign herself and my dad up for an Introductory Weight Lifting for Seniors class and accidentally signed them up for Introductory Wine Tasting.
“Oh no,” Cara said.
“Yes, my dad pretended to be upset about the mistake for a whole five minutes. Now he uses words likebouquetandherbaceousandvelvetyevery time we talk. He’s become so obnoxious that my mother threatened to cancel their tuition payment if he doesn’t cut it out.”
Cara laughed. “At least you know that they won’t be pairing rosé with steak the next time you’re there for dinner.”
“Yeah.” I set down my glass, thinking. “Yeah. You should come, too.”
“What?”
“To dinner. My parents have heard so much about you, and they watched all our reels.”
Cara seemed to blush a little at that, as though making our videos was something completely different from people actually watching them. It was, I supposed. Even I sometimes managed to forget our brush with internet fame.
“I would like that,” she said, grinning that grin again, shining in the sunset glow.
I watched her, hearing myself add, “But only if the wine is good.”
“Right,” she said, meeting my eyes. “Only if the wine is good.”
Chapter Thirty-seven
The sky was almost dark when Cara said she should be getting home.
I didn’t argue, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how to ask her to stay without sounding needy. I’d told her I was okay in my new apartment alone, and I was. I didn’t need her to stay and keep me company. I had Badger, who had wiggled himself halfway under a pile of throw pillows and fallen asleep.
When Cara left, I stood at the door, wondering at the empty, aching sensation that started in my chest and radiated outward. It was so unexpected that it took me a minute to identify the feeling.
I missed her. That was all. I just missed her.
I missed her smile and her criticism of my towels and her newfound enjoyment of every experience. I missed the sound of her voice and the way she rolled her eyes at my jokes. I missed every minute we’d had and every minute we should’ve had and every minute we could still, maybe, have together.
I kept thinking that we could be, that weshouldbe friends.
I’d walked out on her, accused and abandoned her. She said she’d forgiven me. She said we could be friends.
That should be enough, shouldn’t it? To be friends with Cara Espinoza, I’d be the luckiest person in the world.
I was attracted to her, of course, but I could manage that, shove it down deep and bury it like healthy people probably don’t do. But I thought that was an option. I thought I would need time to wrap my mind around everything that had happened and to find my imaginary happy place where I’d accepted the past and was ready to move on.
I’d thought it would be good for me to focus on my business and this new stage in my life before I considered a real relationship.
