Page 26 of Under The Cherry Blossoms
The front door is thrown open by a harried woman who is being dragged forward by two young children. They are practically vibrating with excitement, ready for whatever adventures the day holds for them. I grab hold of the door as my eyes follow the little bundles of energy, racing down the street. My heart aches as my vision clouds, and I see an image of Ben being pulled along by a little girl with light brown curls in my mind’seye.
Shaking my head to clear it, I move forward into the building and steel myself for what is about tohappen.
I’m terrified to tell Ben that there is no baby. Terrified to hear that venom in his voice again. But as I leave the elevator and make my way down the hall to Ben’s door, I prepare myself for exactlythat.
I knock hesitantly, and as I hear his footsteps approach, I make one last silent prayer that I can do what needs to bedone.
The door is pulled open and I can only stare in shock at Ben’s haggard appearance. His eyes are red and bloodshot as though he hasn’t slept in days, and he is sporting a full beard. My hands itch to reach out to him, to caress his cheek as I lean into his body, and try to catch a hint of his familiar scent. However, I contain myself and my hands stay where they are, locked to myside.
“Hey,” Ben says, offering me a tight smile. His voice is rough, as though talking is difficult, but I refuse to consider how hard this week may have been for him. Instead, I focus on the intensity of my own heartbreak, and allow the anger to clear my head while Ben stands there drinking me in. “Sorry, come in.” He steps back to give me room toenter.
I walk in and pause just inside the entry, unsure how to proceed. Looking around, the sadness practically crushes me. We have created so many memories here over the last six months, and the realization that this is probably the last time I’ll stand here, the last time I’ll seehim, is destroyingme.
“Have a seat.” Ben points to the overstuffed sofa in the living area. “Can I get you a drink? Coffee? Soda orwater?”
“No, I’m fine, thanks,” I reply as I take aseat.
Ben crosses the room quickly and sits himself down on the coffee table, right in front of me. Our knees graze, barely touching, but it’s enough to cause my breath to catch in mythroat.
Trying to refocus, I close my eyes and consider how I’m going to start this conversation. Ben beats me to the punch,though.
“I fucked up, Squeak.” My eyes snap open and meet his briefly, before he scrubs his hands across his face and continues. “So bad. I fucked everything up so bad, and I’m sorry. I don’t even…” His voice drifts off. “I’ve been fucking trying to figure out how to fix this for the last four days but I’ve got nothing.” Reaching over he takes hold of my hands and laces our fingers together, his eyes glued to the perfect fit. “You telling me about our baby should have been a fucking spectacular moment, and I ruined it. I can never take that back but I promiseyou—”
“There is no baby.” My voice cracks as I abruptly cut him off, and I watch as his eyes cloud over. As the pain of losing another baby he didn’t know he wanted, setsin.
“I don’t understand.” His eyes search mine for answers, while mine search his forreproach.
“It was a false positive. When we went to the doctor the test came back negative. She said that it happens sometimes.” I can hear the desperation in my voice. The need for him to trust my truth. To believe me. To believeinme.
His hands tighten around mine and suddenly I’m in motion, my body pulled to his and his arms envelopingme.
“I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” he whispers into my hair, his warm breath tickling my ear. I pull back, and meeting his gaze, I try to ascertain hissincerity.
“You believeme?”
“Fuck, Skye, of course I believe you. I know you would never do that, lie about something so huge. I knowyou,Squeak.” He cups my face with his large hands and gently places his forehead againstmine.
“I was an asshole, and I lost my head, my fuckingmind, for a minute there. But I know you would never pull the shit that Amber did. I’m so sorry I questionedthat.”
With that he closes the small gap between us and brushes his lips against mine. The kiss starts soft, but as soon as his tongue tastes mine, our control snaps. I put every bit of emotion that has pulsed through my body this past week, into that kiss. And for a brief moment, I let the hungry desperation consume me, and allow the heat of Ben’s mouth to convince me that we are going to beokay.
But as I pull away all I can taste is regret, and might-have-beens.
“We can try, if you like.” Ben’s low voice interrupts mythoughts.
“Trywhat?”
“For a baby. I know it’s not something we had ever talked about, but if it’s what youwant...”
“Wait, Ben, stop for a second.” I force the words out harshly, scarcely believing the change in his attitude. “We can’t just act like this never happened. A week ago, you accused me of trying to trap you with a baby. You spoke to me as if you hated me. You looked at me as though Idisgustedyou! I don’t know if I can forgive you forthat.”
“Yes, you can.” His eyes beseech me. “You have to, Squeak. I fucked up, I couldn’t possibly have fucked up any bigger. Iknowthat. I let shit from my past fuck me up, but I love you. You know I loveyou.”
“You left me,” I whisper. “I trusted you. I believed you when you said you wouldn’t hurt me. But you did. You crushedme.”
His body moves closer to mine, almost imperceptibly, while I speak. His legs now splayed on either side of mine, his face only inches away. I place a hand on his cheek and feel him lean into my touch. My eyes seek his, and as I gaze at the man before me, I remember the boy he was. The boy who helped me see the sunshine on my darkest day. Who would have thought that all these years later, he would be the one to bring thestorm?
“I need time. I’m sorry, but I need to figure out if I can move on fromthis.”
