Page 14 of Mistletoe Mistake
“Of course he didn’t.” She wraps her arms around herself and for a moment it looks like she’s trying to protect herself. From me?
“You don’t have to stay.” She gives me a small smile. “You’ve done your duty.”
I am an asshole.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Hols. Of course I want to be here.”
She stares up at me and she’s so fucking pretty I almost don’t know what to do with myself. Her eyes are sapphire blue that seem darker out here under the stars, and I don’t know why, but I have this urgent need to memorize everything about this moment. As though a fundamental part of me recognizes its importance, even if I can’t quite understand what that is.
We sit on the swings, side by side, and when she begins to gently rock herself back and forth causing the chains to creak, I’m grateful for the distraction. The silence I welcomed only moments ago feels stifling with Holly beside me.
“I’m sorry about your dad.”
It’s a statement. Straightforward and not requiring a response. Thank fuck, because I can’t seem to work my tongue loose enough to give her one.
“I heard him talking to my dad about you once, you know?”
I glance over at her to find she is looking up at the stars, her expression unreadable.
“He loved you so much, but he was worried he was messing it all up. He wanted to give you everything he never had and the only way he knew how to do that was to work his backside off.” She bites her bottom lip and her nose twitches as though she’s holding back tears. “My dad told him you were a good kid and maybe you didn’t always understand why he worked so much then, but one day you would and you would thank him for it.” She leans her head against the chain and a small sigh escapes her plump lips. “Maybe if he knew how little time he had, he would have made different choices, but god, Nick, his heart was in the most beautiful place.”
I choke down a swallow, and all I can get out is a strangled, “I know.”
There is a pause, a moment when we’re both lost in memories, before I can’t do it anymore. I open my mouth to change the subject, but before I can, Holly cuts me to the quick.
“Then how about you pull your head out of your ass and get your fucking life together.”
Well, punch me in the dick and call me Sally, who the fuck is this girl?
“Brandon told me you lost your job.” She shakes her head and throws an anguished look my way. “About the drinking. You barely talk to your mom. He’d be so disappointed,” she ends with a whisper. I don’t have to ask who she’s talking about.
Anger instinctively rushes through me. I want to tell her to fuck off, tell her that she doesn’t know shit about the relationship I have—had—with my parents. But she does. Of course she does, she was there for most of it.
My eyes fall to my feet because looking at Holly feels too difficult right now.
“I was mad at my parents a lot growing up. I resented how often they were gone. I mean, logically, I knew they were doing it for the right reasons, but I was a kid.” I clear my throat. “I just wanted themthere. When they got divorced after I left for college I wasn’t surprised. Iwassurprised when Dad moved to Washington and started turning up at my door every Sunday for dinner.” Memory after memory hits me but instead of the painful bite of anger, I feel grateful for each and every one of them. “I didn’t know he’d had a heart attack. I didn’t know that’s what instigated the changes he made. The new job, making more of an effort to spend time with me, all of it.” The unforgiving burn behind my eyes causes me to scrub a hand over my face. “He should have told me.”
“Would it have changed anything?”
“I would have been prepared,” I snap. “He should have prepared me for this happening, I had no fucking clue.”
“Maybe.” Uncertainty clouds her words and I find myself seeking out her eyes. “Or maybe he didn’t want you to worry. Maybe he wanted to just enjoy the relationship he was building with you.” She stills, turning to face me. “Or maybe he didn’t think things were as serious as they were. You’ll never know.”
I huff out a bitter laugh, because isn’t that the point? I’ll never have answers now.
“You and I both know there wasn’t a malicious bone in your dad’s body. Whatever his reasons were, you know—you know—they were honorable. So what are you going to do? Hate him forever because he didn’t do things the wayyouthink he should? Fuck your life up just to defy him? What the hell does that achieve?”
Her anger is palpable and I’m a little afraid right now.
“He made amends for his mistakes, Nick, and he turned his entire life upside down to do it. It’s time for you to grow the fuck up and forgive him. Be the man he raised you to be, not the drunken asshole you’ve become.”
Have you ever been called out so hard you don’t know whether to cuss the person out and storm off or fall to your knees in gratitude at being seen?
Yeah, until this moment I hadn’t either.
Choking down the lump in my throat, I finally put words to what I have been struggling with for all these months. “If I don’t hold on to this anger, then I’ll have to start moving on.” I tighten my grip on the chains of the swing. “I’m not ready to let him go yet.”
She reaches out and strokes her thumb over my cheek, claiming a tear I didn’t even realize had fallen. “You don’t have to let him go. But hold on to him with love, not hate. Be grateful for every moment you had with him, instead of angry for every moment you missed out on.”
